The gloves are off.
Dearest friends,
I hate to say it (yet at the same time, I revel in the prospect), but I'm going to be on a serious hiatus from now on. Until when? I don't know for sure. Maybe come April 30 or May 3. Which ever works out best. Reason? I don't really feel I owe anyone a reason, but I may as well, because I might get a flood (more like trickle) of communique from folks calling me out. In a week, I've got a 10 page research paper due that I've got to start on which I should have been working on all semester. The late night kick-its did not help me get started on this at all. This is serious crunch time, friends. Although I abhor the idea of continuing school, I need to at least pass my classes this semester so I won't be any farther behind than I already am.
Spring break SHOULD have been at least 5 days dedicated only to work, this research paper, and video games. Instead I'm looking back on it and I'm seeing that nothing happened as hoped. So now I hate everything. This random assortment of days, albeit fun, have probably been the worst time for me to attempt to live. I'm not supposed to be out late hanging out. I'm not supposed to be spending money for the benefit of entertaining me and my friends. I'm not supposed to be social. As much as I want to be there for each and every one of you through thick and thin, I can't. I know I'm going to regret even trying to achieve some kind of passing grade, and I know I'll regret not being there for thing even more. But this has to be done.
I thought I had found my focus this year, the set path I must walk to make something of myself, but in finding that focus, a lot of my previous priorites were fucked to the moon and back. What I did was just delude myself, fooled myself into thinking that the objective was clear. Instead, my mind is fucking TORN, and I've been more indecisive about even the LITTLE things more than I ever have.
To tell you the truth, the next two weeks will probably fuck me up worse than any girl, academic grade, or drugs ever had. So. This is goodbye.
But don't take this as me backing out of any allegiances and promises I've made, because I will come back to rip shit up. Just not now, or anytime in the immediate future. I won't be online to chat from now on, nor will I be frequenting any message boards you would normally see me in. I won't be answering the call to go out and have fun. I won't waste anymore of anyone else's time. However, I will answer e-mails, if ever I get them.
Alex: I'm still dedicated to the cause, but I know you'll move right along with or without me to lend some kind of supporting role. Be thankful Rob is just as stalwart (or even more so) than I. The month of May will see my return to rock out. I'll get you that $30 for the comic boards somehow.
Rob: I didn't forget the track you want me to spit lyrics on, I've worked on it a little bit. I'll leave it up to you, Alex, and Ryan to keep the forums alive while I'm in self-exile.
Ryan/Nolan/Nick: Keep me posted on the development of your works, especially the track I'm supposed to battle Blithe.
Jun: Seeing as how you haven't answered the last TF challenge, here's the answer:
1. Megatron/Prime
2. Megatron/Starscream
3. Jetfire (Skyfire)/Starscream
4. Omega Supreme/Devastator (Constructicons)
5. Omega Supreme/Astrotrain
6. Metroplex/Trypticon
7. Fortress Maximus/Scorponok
-Rod
Monday, April 12, 2004
Friday, April 02, 2004
Drunk Hand DROP!
odd inside joke aside, this week has been nuts. wednesday and thursday night were the stage for life altering experiences. wednesday, saw eternal sunshine with the homies, and that definitely gave me a new perspective (and leash) on life and love. needless to say, LOVE is the only goal now, none of the games and emotional bullshit. she's got to be the one or none.
thursday. holy hell, thursday. a new direction has been proposed for the betterment and evolvement of ourselves, thanks to the wildman X. i told the man, all i'm waiting for is for him to start the revolucion, and i'll be there to provide ammo... and he has lit the match. DOOM I SAY! crush them like rice cakes!
drunken shenanigans are off the hook!
odd inside joke aside, this week has been nuts. wednesday and thursday night were the stage for life altering experiences. wednesday, saw eternal sunshine with the homies, and that definitely gave me a new perspective (and leash) on life and love. needless to say, LOVE is the only goal now, none of the games and emotional bullshit. she's got to be the one or none.
thursday. holy hell, thursday. a new direction has been proposed for the betterment and evolvement of ourselves, thanks to the wildman X. i told the man, all i'm waiting for is for him to start the revolucion, and i'll be there to provide ammo... and he has lit the match. DOOM I SAY! crush them like rice cakes!
drunken shenanigans are off the hook!
Friday, March 26, 2004
Weeeeiiiiird Week.
This has been a fairly long and taxing week, and it's bound to get extremely more taxing Friday night. FUCK. Hell, today has been pretty fucking long a day. Monday and Wednesday were 8 hour shift days, just so I can move my hours around and work a 4 hour shift on Friday. However, Monday was still an opportunity to kick it with the folks at Pat's house. Good times, our 'family' of friends met a new addition to the crowd, Ralphie. Ralphie rocks.
Anthony is on spring break this week, and him, Ryan, Jaime, Nolan, and I went out to WinCo that night to score the crowd some booze.
Wednesday, I actually got to go to my morning communication studies class. Kicked it after class with Terell for a minute, conversed about gravity bongs and spring break plans.
Thursday, I had to finish up a 4 page essay for my other comm studies class, essentially scrambling my thinking processes for the rest of the day. After class, Dave and I kicked it the rest of the day. We wandered from the schools library, to the cafeteria/union, and back to the library. Dave got to meet Sherly, and they conversed for a while in their native Indonesian languages. Groovy. Oh yeah! I got two essentially unexpected calls, one from Shannon giving me directions for her party Friday night, and one from my buddy in Florida, Travis (Diabolicol). After those calls, and after Dave got plenty of foreign language exercise in with Shmerl, Dave and I rolled out to Laguna to KB Toys and Borders. Saw Her #6 (the Jailbait) at Borders. One more instance of weirdness to add to my week. Not to mention Alex called me earlier in the day and didnt leave a message; I ended up calling the number back and speaking briefly with Alex's grandmother.
And now, there's another kick-back at Pat's, which I've chosen to skip. Tired. Weird week. Need to recuperate. Or something!
Friday night is going to involve a step back into a weird chapter of my night, Shannon's party will most likely have Her #2 attending. Along with her current beau. And me with my standard crew of homies. No girl to show her up and show that I've gotten along without her. Oh well! I can show her that I've become badass in the time since and astound her with my destructive habits of smoking and drinking. Yeah, that'll impress her REAL well.
This has been a fairly long and taxing week, and it's bound to get extremely more taxing Friday night. FUCK. Hell, today has been pretty fucking long a day. Monday and Wednesday were 8 hour shift days, just so I can move my hours around and work a 4 hour shift on Friday. However, Monday was still an opportunity to kick it with the folks at Pat's house. Good times, our 'family' of friends met a new addition to the crowd, Ralphie. Ralphie rocks.
Anthony is on spring break this week, and him, Ryan, Jaime, Nolan, and I went out to WinCo that night to score the crowd some booze.
Wednesday, I actually got to go to my morning communication studies class. Kicked it after class with Terell for a minute, conversed about gravity bongs and spring break plans.
Thursday, I had to finish up a 4 page essay for my other comm studies class, essentially scrambling my thinking processes for the rest of the day. After class, Dave and I kicked it the rest of the day. We wandered from the schools library, to the cafeteria/union, and back to the library. Dave got to meet Sherly, and they conversed for a while in their native Indonesian languages. Groovy. Oh yeah! I got two essentially unexpected calls, one from Shannon giving me directions for her party Friday night, and one from my buddy in Florida, Travis (Diabolicol). After those calls, and after Dave got plenty of foreign language exercise in with Shmerl, Dave and I rolled out to Laguna to KB Toys and Borders. Saw Her #6 (the Jailbait) at Borders. One more instance of weirdness to add to my week. Not to mention Alex called me earlier in the day and didnt leave a message; I ended up calling the number back and speaking briefly with Alex's grandmother.
And now, there's another kick-back at Pat's, which I've chosen to skip. Tired. Weird week. Need to recuperate. Or something!
Friday night is going to involve a step back into a weird chapter of my night, Shannon's party will most likely have Her #2 attending. Along with her current beau. And me with my standard crew of homies. No girl to show her up and show that I've gotten along without her. Oh well! I can show her that I've become badass in the time since and astound her with my destructive habits of smoking and drinking. Yeah, that'll impress her REAL well.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Good fuckin-Times
Monday- worked, earned my $7.80 an hour, came home. A kick-it at Jen's was a-brewin, but alas, I was condemned by my parents. But I got my paycheck, so it panned out somehow.
Tuesday- school. talked to Dave, was finally able to convince him that I could give him a ride home. came home, talked to several folks about pulling a guerilla kick-back in lieu of me not being able to last night. I rounded up Pat and Jaime, the responsible adults of the group, and had them buy some booze to get the night rolling. We try to hunt down Alex, but came up empty. We try to 'invade' Jen's house on our own, but failed. So we dropped by Robert's and picked him and Nick up. We make it to Jen's place, with booze and Playstation2 ready. This time, we're able to get in with Robert's help, and wait for Jen to get home from work. She is greeted with liquor and cigarettes. Jasmine and Kiel eventually show up, bringing Pat some lau-lau. BOMB-ASS FOOD. Jaime and I head out early, but not with consuming a healthy supply of beer.
Wednesday- more work.
Thursday- I skip one of my classes because I left my wallet at work and had to drive all the way out to Bradshaw rd. to retrieve it. I get home and chat with Rob and Pat, who are down to get another night of kicking it organized. All in all, I leave Jen's early once again, but this time, not in time to see more people arrive.
Friday- work is just a 6 hour delay from a party night. Jasmine/Jamie are throwing a house party/bbq for their older sister. Ryan goes balls out and attends, and we stop by the 'Philippines" on Mack rd. to pick up two cases of San Miguel. It turned out to be one of those perfect kick-back nights: fair weather, barbecque, beers, and our old friend Mary. Ryan, Jaime, and I leave around 1am, but the night didn't turn out bad at all. Needless to say, the presence of cute female guests made the shindig a better time.
Saturday- I wake up with the slight after-effects of Miss Mary's charm, but I'm urged to action when Leo calls to trade his Wacom tablet for my Gameboy. DEAL. Talk to Alex, and I help him hitch a ride with Ryan/Jaime to Rob's house. After a shower, I'm ready to hang out at Rob's as well. Slightly dislocated from the rest of reality, I pull together to become the driver to yet another night of festivities. Alex, Jaime, Rob, and I drop by Jen's work (Steve's Pizza) to eat pizza and drink beer. In short time, the four of us are buzzed and laughing. Freudian slips here, manly contests of eating food topped with chili there, it was a GOOD TIME. Alex makes calls, and finally convinces me to head downtown for a night of Sacramento's second Saturdays. Re:Vibe is a bust, but we walk over to Infusion to find the place is packed beyond capacity for an open mic night. I bump into some of the folks (Elisa , Henry, Brian, Renato), as well the kind of people that can destroy and uplift your self-esteem. The "Hers." We cut out early; I knew I couldn't step up to the pressure of the moment. Instead, we head back Souf and pick up Jen. A quick liquor run and gas-up, and back downtown to kick-it at Alex's we go. He makes some calls, and we find that Ada is kicking back with friends at her place. A short drive later, and we're somewhere off Broadway, and hot-boxing an office room and talking Lockeian.
A productive week, no?
Monday- worked, earned my $7.80 an hour, came home. A kick-it at Jen's was a-brewin, but alas, I was condemned by my parents. But I got my paycheck, so it panned out somehow.
Tuesday- school. talked to Dave, was finally able to convince him that I could give him a ride home. came home, talked to several folks about pulling a guerilla kick-back in lieu of me not being able to last night. I rounded up Pat and Jaime, the responsible adults of the group, and had them buy some booze to get the night rolling. We try to hunt down Alex, but came up empty. We try to 'invade' Jen's house on our own, but failed. So we dropped by Robert's and picked him and Nick up. We make it to Jen's place, with booze and Playstation2 ready. This time, we're able to get in with Robert's help, and wait for Jen to get home from work. She is greeted with liquor and cigarettes. Jasmine and Kiel eventually show up, bringing Pat some lau-lau. BOMB-ASS FOOD. Jaime and I head out early, but not with consuming a healthy supply of beer.
Wednesday- more work.
Thursday- I skip one of my classes because I left my wallet at work and had to drive all the way out to Bradshaw rd. to retrieve it. I get home and chat with Rob and Pat, who are down to get another night of kicking it organized. All in all, I leave Jen's early once again, but this time, not in time to see more people arrive.
Friday- work is just a 6 hour delay from a party night. Jasmine/Jamie are throwing a house party/bbq for their older sister. Ryan goes balls out and attends, and we stop by the 'Philippines" on Mack rd. to pick up two cases of San Miguel. It turned out to be one of those perfect kick-back nights: fair weather, barbecque, beers, and our old friend Mary. Ryan, Jaime, and I leave around 1am, but the night didn't turn out bad at all. Needless to say, the presence of cute female guests made the shindig a better time.
Saturday- I wake up with the slight after-effects of Miss Mary's charm, but I'm urged to action when Leo calls to trade his Wacom tablet for my Gameboy. DEAL. Talk to Alex, and I help him hitch a ride with Ryan/Jaime to Rob's house. After a shower, I'm ready to hang out at Rob's as well. Slightly dislocated from the rest of reality, I pull together to become the driver to yet another night of festivities. Alex, Jaime, Rob, and I drop by Jen's work (Steve's Pizza) to eat pizza and drink beer. In short time, the four of us are buzzed and laughing. Freudian slips here, manly contests of eating food topped with chili there, it was a GOOD TIME. Alex makes calls, and finally convinces me to head downtown for a night of Sacramento's second Saturdays. Re:Vibe is a bust, but we walk over to Infusion to find the place is packed beyond capacity for an open mic night. I bump into some of the folks (Elisa , Henry, Brian, Renato), as well the kind of people that can destroy and uplift your self-esteem. The "Hers." We cut out early; I knew I couldn't step up to the pressure of the moment. Instead, we head back Souf and pick up Jen. A quick liquor run and gas-up, and back downtown to kick-it at Alex's we go. He makes some calls, and we find that Ada is kicking back with friends at her place. A short drive later, and we're somewhere off Broadway, and hot-boxing an office room and talking Lockeian.
A productive week, no?
Thursday, March 11, 2004
ProtoTYPICAL
So I want to register to vote. My former 'independent thinker' values have been shot to shit.
What am I to do!? I'm a punk rockstar at heart, but now I'm going all soft and corporate. What. The. Fuck. All my seething enmity for the System, gone. My paranoia of "the Man" and "Big Brother" one step behind me, and now I want to go straight to the horse and stick my HAND down it's mouth. Genious.
It's weird how i go through these retarded phases of "I know what I want out of life, I know what the next step must be" and then "I've lost my way, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life." I'm in a funk similar to the latter. And nothings going to make it any better with the sordid girl 'problems' I slog through.
So, from now on, take my advice and shit-bricks of wisdom with precaution and apprehension; I officially don't know what the FUCK I'm saying half the time. Also, I will be turning off my "I give a damn" sensors for the most part, unless of course I'm actually telling you, "yes, I give a damn." Think of it as a LOOONNG reboot for my brain, because I need to figure shit out one step at a time. Although, time is running out.
So I want to register to vote. My former 'independent thinker' values have been shot to shit.
What am I to do!? I'm a punk rockstar at heart, but now I'm going all soft and corporate. What. The. Fuck. All my seething enmity for the System, gone. My paranoia of "the Man" and "Big Brother" one step behind me, and now I want to go straight to the horse and stick my HAND down it's mouth. Genious.
It's weird how i go through these retarded phases of "I know what I want out of life, I know what the next step must be" and then "I've lost my way, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life." I'm in a funk similar to the latter. And nothings going to make it any better with the sordid girl 'problems' I slog through.
So, from now on, take my advice and shit-bricks of wisdom with precaution and apprehension; I officially don't know what the FUCK I'm saying half the time. Also, I will be turning off my "I give a damn" sensors for the most part, unless of course I'm actually telling you, "yes, I give a damn." Think of it as a LOOONNG reboot for my brain, because I need to figure shit out one step at a time. Although, time is running out.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Leo called me tonight and mentioned the chance of me getting a job at Albertson's with him. AWESOME. Two jobs at once, righteous. If i can figure out this situation, and somewhow have both, I might be on my way to moving out. Or something. Let's hope and pray.
This Tuesday rocked, barely school to contest with, and a night-cap of kicking it with the usual crowd, knocking back some drinks. Now I can survive this week with confidence.
On a highly unrelated note, I'm trying to give up beef for the rest of Lent (and hopefully the rest of the year), seeing as how I failed to quit smoking for the mean-time. And besides, I like chicken. YUM.
This Tuesday rocked, barely school to contest with, and a night-cap of kicking it with the usual crowd, knocking back some drinks. Now I can survive this week with confidence.
On a highly unrelated note, I'm trying to give up beef for the rest of Lent (and hopefully the rest of the year), seeing as how I failed to quit smoking for the mean-time. And besides, I like chicken. YUM.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
The Abnormal Swing of Things
I woke up at 8 am to drop off my younger sister and cousin off to school, and promptly shuffled my half-conscious ass back to bed. In the three odd hours of sleep I caught, I had possibly the BEST dream in a while. It is in these few hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I seem to formulate the most enriching dream sequences. But this morning, all the lovey-dovey-perfect-world dreams were TOPPED. This latest dream involved Ms. #1, in what seemed like the beginnings of a playful friendship. ALMOST along the lines of "My Perfect Love Story" (6/23/2003). Which made the dream THAT much more compelling.
It was a party at my house, where I played host and party-goer, introducing friends and getting mad buzzed. Co-workers and friends alike mingled in a swirl of liquor and laughter. And then.
The party comes to a dead halt, as the one person walks in that becomes the center of the moment. HER (#1). She's arrived, although I have no idea whether I had invited her, with a cadre of her friends. Her group easily homogenizes with the party, and the house livens. I say hi, and she smiles and we exchange small talk briefly. Then, something happens, a drunken participant spills their cup on me, soaking me in beer. It's ok, I'm drunk, shit happens. I walk into my room, and it has been invaded with a small party on it's own. Oddly, I'm pleased, but the slight crowd makes it a bit difficult for me to get to my dresser drawer to find new clothes. I stumble on and around those hanging out in my room, and finally make it to the dresser. I open a drawer, and look to my left to see HER sitting on the floor. Everyone in the room now notices that beer was spilled on me, and several of them leave the room to give me space to change clothes. Oddly, the JayZ/Pharrell song plays in the background at this moment. As I rifle through my clothes for a fresh shirt, she's still sitting on the floor next to me. We converse, from small talk to gossip. I delay switching shirts, and decide to sit down next to her and talk some more. At this point, the brilliant soul of hers shines through, as we laugh and share a moment of slightly-inebriated happiness. I stand up, and pull her off the ground and for a quick moment she is in my arms. Feeling awkward, we seperate quickly. I turn around and hurriedly change shirts. She makes fun of me, saying that I'm scared to change in front of a girl, and pokes me in the side. As I pull my shirt down, I turn around and smile. I playfully poke her back, returning the favor. We begin to lightly rough-house, from pokes to tickles, and laugh drunkenly. We realize suddenly that we're the only ones in my room. DEJA fuckin VU. We sit down on my bed, and I begin to gather myself together to tell her that which I've bottled up for years.
I wake up realizing that I'm late for class.
I walked into class today to find that our study groups had formed, and all we had to do for the day was review material for Thursdays midterm. We were free to leave whenever we wanted. My group adjourns 45 minutes before class normally ends, and I wander the campus to ponder things. Eventually, I decide not to leave campus to run errands, and I run into Elissa in the music/arts wing. I talk to her for a few minutes, as well as Ryan on the phone with her. I walk with her back to the reading/writing lab, and make my way to my history class. One hour and 15 minutes later, I give Dave a lift home, and finally return home. Now, the night is up in the air, and the sky seems to be the limit. ROCK ON.
I woke up at 8 am to drop off my younger sister and cousin off to school, and promptly shuffled my half-conscious ass back to bed. In the three odd hours of sleep I caught, I had possibly the BEST dream in a while. It is in these few hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I seem to formulate the most enriching dream sequences. But this morning, all the lovey-dovey-perfect-world dreams were TOPPED. This latest dream involved Ms. #1, in what seemed like the beginnings of a playful friendship. ALMOST along the lines of "My Perfect Love Story" (6/23/2003). Which made the dream THAT much more compelling.
It was a party at my house, where I played host and party-goer, introducing friends and getting mad buzzed. Co-workers and friends alike mingled in a swirl of liquor and laughter. And then.
The party comes to a dead halt, as the one person walks in that becomes the center of the moment. HER (#1). She's arrived, although I have no idea whether I had invited her, with a cadre of her friends. Her group easily homogenizes with the party, and the house livens. I say hi, and she smiles and we exchange small talk briefly. Then, something happens, a drunken participant spills their cup on me, soaking me in beer. It's ok, I'm drunk, shit happens. I walk into my room, and it has been invaded with a small party on it's own. Oddly, I'm pleased, but the slight crowd makes it a bit difficult for me to get to my dresser drawer to find new clothes. I stumble on and around those hanging out in my room, and finally make it to the dresser. I open a drawer, and look to my left to see HER sitting on the floor. Everyone in the room now notices that beer was spilled on me, and several of them leave the room to give me space to change clothes. Oddly, the JayZ/Pharrell song plays in the background at this moment. As I rifle through my clothes for a fresh shirt, she's still sitting on the floor next to me. We converse, from small talk to gossip. I delay switching shirts, and decide to sit down next to her and talk some more. At this point, the brilliant soul of hers shines through, as we laugh and share a moment of slightly-inebriated happiness. I stand up, and pull her off the ground and for a quick moment she is in my arms. Feeling awkward, we seperate quickly. I turn around and hurriedly change shirts. She makes fun of me, saying that I'm scared to change in front of a girl, and pokes me in the side. As I pull my shirt down, I turn around and smile. I playfully poke her back, returning the favor. We begin to lightly rough-house, from pokes to tickles, and laugh drunkenly. We realize suddenly that we're the only ones in my room. DEJA fuckin VU. We sit down on my bed, and I begin to gather myself together to tell her that which I've bottled up for years.
I wake up realizing that I'm late for class.
I walked into class today to find that our study groups had formed, and all we had to do for the day was review material for Thursdays midterm. We were free to leave whenever we wanted. My group adjourns 45 minutes before class normally ends, and I wander the campus to ponder things. Eventually, I decide not to leave campus to run errands, and I run into Elissa in the music/arts wing. I talk to her for a few minutes, as well as Ryan on the phone with her. I walk with her back to the reading/writing lab, and make my way to my history class. One hour and 15 minutes later, I give Dave a lift home, and finally return home. Now, the night is up in the air, and the sky seems to be the limit. ROCK ON.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Productivity
Today was good, this is true. Although everyday is not without it's regular routines of being slaved, today was still good. Went to church, didnt really give a damn, so I rocked what i wore yesterday as well as my glasses. No one to impress, nor do I expect to impress anyone anytime soon. Finished up chores, including mowing the lawn. The weather is finally shifting to the sweet sweet air of spring. I wore shorts today, a sign of this change. We were out of petro for the mower, so I had to drive out to the nearest gas station and buy it myself. No big deal. After getting some gas, I dropped by Jen's place, only to catch her on her way off to work. However, I really dropped by Jen's to see how Rob was doing from last night's spree of liquor consumption. Needless to say, ol' boy was quite hung-over. Kicked it for a bit with him, smoked a 'square,' rolled on home. Finished mowing, and got word from Rob that he didn't need a ride home. Instead, Pat drops me a message online, asking if I'd bring him to Adam's to pick something up. Sure thing, bucko. I swoop up Pat, and we cruise out to Adams. Spent a good 20 or so minutes, smoked a bit more, chit-chatted until sundown. I drop Pat off, then get home to eat some dinner. And now... I'm actualyl doing art! HOLY shit. Page one of an intended 24 page comic.
Today was good, this is true. Although everyday is not without it's regular routines of being slaved, today was still good. Went to church, didnt really give a damn, so I rocked what i wore yesterday as well as my glasses. No one to impress, nor do I expect to impress anyone anytime soon. Finished up chores, including mowing the lawn. The weather is finally shifting to the sweet sweet air of spring. I wore shorts today, a sign of this change. We were out of petro for the mower, so I had to drive out to the nearest gas station and buy it myself. No big deal. After getting some gas, I dropped by Jen's place, only to catch her on her way off to work. However, I really dropped by Jen's to see how Rob was doing from last night's spree of liquor consumption. Needless to say, ol' boy was quite hung-over. Kicked it for a bit with him, smoked a 'square,' rolled on home. Finished mowing, and got word from Rob that he didn't need a ride home. Instead, Pat drops me a message online, asking if I'd bring him to Adam's to pick something up. Sure thing, bucko. I swoop up Pat, and we cruise out to Adams. Spent a good 20 or so minutes, smoked a bit more, chit-chatted until sundown. I drop Pat off, then get home to eat some dinner. And now... I'm actualyl doing art! HOLY shit. Page one of an intended 24 page comic.
Game Over
This night was going soooo well, too. REWIND:
Woke up late, gave my baby (my car) a wash. Felt good. This bitch was ready to go cruise tonight.
Got in touch with several folks that afternoon, getting the word about the parties going down that night. I hurried and did whatever chores I had to do to appease the parental units, built credit to buy a night out. I hurried to finish some "extracurriculars", and proceeded to Kinko's and get them printed by way of Amador's graces. Alex met up with me at Kinko's, the first of the crew to roll in tonight's party wagon. Jaime gives me a ring, telling me he's in Natomas, so we wait him out until he get's home. I drop off my work to my cousin Junior, and head back to my house so Alex can drop off his car. We pick up Jaime, the second of the usual suspects. After a bit of deliberation, we drop by Robert's house, to try and add him to the wagon or determine how things are going to go down tonight. Robert calls up Jen's work, so we can figure out whether we can grab her and head to a party or two. So we make our way to where Jen works, pick her up, and then drop by the gas station and Winco. We buy smokes, Jaime buys Rob a bottle of Jagermeister. The PARTY is ready to roll.
First party, David Kincannon's going away party (he's going into the Navy). Alex and I prophesize that this party will be nothing but yet another sausagefest. I get us lost in the Vintage Park area. Fuck Elk Grove. We finally roll up to the right place and enter. Lo and behold, the crowd there is nearly a 1:1 ratio of girl and guy. Not to mention I see a couple of old friends, namely Shawn Thompson and Rachel Guitierrez (sp?). It's a cool couple of minutes we spend at David's party, but we're itching to hit up the next venue. Next place to drop by for the night: Jasmine's.
We leave David's party, got lost some more in Vintage Park. ELK GROVE WILL BURNNN. The wagon's rolling pretty deep with Alex, Jaime, Rob, Jen, and I. Alex forgot to hit the bathroom before we left...this is the crucial event that shifts the night's conclusion (for me at least). We return to my house so Alex can pick up his car and head either home or to Jasmines. He needed to take a piss real bad, so I open the garage and let him in to use the potty. To my surprise, the mercedes is in the garage...meaning my family is still home. REJECTION. I can't go out as I hoped, now that I've shown my face in the house. It's 1 am, my mom concludes, I can't go out anymore. My night has officially met it's end. So Rob, Jen, and Jaime have to transfer over to Alex's car, or not go at all. Of course they have to go, they have no reason not to. Alas, I am home-ridden, my credits have run out.
After a heartfelt departure with my would-be party mates, I proceed home with my head and heart hung low.
I suppose theres a balance here somewhere, seeing as how my older sister, Cheryl, has gone out of town to party with the girl cousins. Where one sibling can stay out, the other must stay home. And don't even get me started on my younger sister; that's a whole different matter.
So, to those that got to party at Jasmine's with Kiel, Adam, Pat, and whomever got to roll through: PARTY HARD FOR ME. I can't be redeemed now, the EMO has taken me in it's dark grasp. Sigh.
This night was going soooo well, too. REWIND:
Woke up late, gave my baby (my car) a wash. Felt good. This bitch was ready to go cruise tonight.
Got in touch with several folks that afternoon, getting the word about the parties going down that night. I hurried and did whatever chores I had to do to appease the parental units, built credit to buy a night out. I hurried to finish some "extracurriculars", and proceeded to Kinko's and get them printed by way of Amador's graces. Alex met up with me at Kinko's, the first of the crew to roll in tonight's party wagon. Jaime gives me a ring, telling me he's in Natomas, so we wait him out until he get's home. I drop off my work to my cousin Junior, and head back to my house so Alex can drop off his car. We pick up Jaime, the second of the usual suspects. After a bit of deliberation, we drop by Robert's house, to try and add him to the wagon or determine how things are going to go down tonight. Robert calls up Jen's work, so we can figure out whether we can grab her and head to a party or two. So we make our way to where Jen works, pick her up, and then drop by the gas station and Winco. We buy smokes, Jaime buys Rob a bottle of Jagermeister. The PARTY is ready to roll.
First party, David Kincannon's going away party (he's going into the Navy). Alex and I prophesize that this party will be nothing but yet another sausagefest. I get us lost in the Vintage Park area. Fuck Elk Grove. We finally roll up to the right place and enter. Lo and behold, the crowd there is nearly a 1:1 ratio of girl and guy. Not to mention I see a couple of old friends, namely Shawn Thompson and Rachel Guitierrez (sp?). It's a cool couple of minutes we spend at David's party, but we're itching to hit up the next venue. Next place to drop by for the night: Jasmine's.
We leave David's party, got lost some more in Vintage Park. ELK GROVE WILL BURNNN. The wagon's rolling pretty deep with Alex, Jaime, Rob, Jen, and I. Alex forgot to hit the bathroom before we left...this is the crucial event that shifts the night's conclusion (for me at least). We return to my house so Alex can pick up his car and head either home or to Jasmines. He needed to take a piss real bad, so I open the garage and let him in to use the potty. To my surprise, the mercedes is in the garage...meaning my family is still home. REJECTION. I can't go out as I hoped, now that I've shown my face in the house. It's 1 am, my mom concludes, I can't go out anymore. My night has officially met it's end. So Rob, Jen, and Jaime have to transfer over to Alex's car, or not go at all. Of course they have to go, they have no reason not to. Alas, I am home-ridden, my credits have run out.
After a heartfelt departure with my would-be party mates, I proceed home with my head and heart hung low.
I suppose theres a balance here somewhere, seeing as how my older sister, Cheryl, has gone out of town to party with the girl cousins. Where one sibling can stay out, the other must stay home. And don't even get me started on my younger sister; that's a whole different matter.
So, to those that got to party at Jasmine's with Kiel, Adam, Pat, and whomever got to roll through: PARTY HARD FOR ME. I can't be redeemed now, the EMO has taken me in it's dark grasp. Sigh.
Friday, March 05, 2004
The inevitable has come to pass
I've lost my man card. In front of, and to Alex, no less. And the day was going quite well, too...
So, I was able to rally Ryan and Alex to the Aceyalone/Visionaries concert, the big night that we could let loose a bit, and for me to see HER (#1). It was going down pretty well, hadn't caught sight of her during the Visionaries set, and Alex and I wander outside after their performance. We see Erwin chillin outside, waiting for a way to get into the show. See, Erwin is the folks, and he's trying to sneak in because the rest of his folks are in there, including mine and Alex's "unicorns." Eventually, Alex scores Erwin a way in, because one of his friends is working the door. So we're all in now, and Erwin shows us the way to where THEY are. So shit, the storm is brewin. I locate Ryan, and now we're rockin steady to Ace-one, within distance from HERs (Alex and mine, respectively). The show rocks socks, and when it ended, we're all chillin in the lobby. Alex is 'wooing' his, and I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm of mine.
Little did I know, the family connection has surfaced as I had hoped it wouldnt: Eric Nedora is there, and Henry (Geno's homie) is there as well. I retardedly mention the Hiero pictures I'm going to develop for her...and then, the disaster hits. I fumble my words, trying not to look like some fool perpetrator moving in on a girl in the midst of her folks. I verbally dance around the subject of trying to get her number, fully aware that there are people here who've known me for as long as I've lived in Sac, and that connection can MAKE or BREAK me. All the while I'm stumbling over my words, Henry sees through me and says, "Why don't you just ask for her number, man." AND HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I don't even look her in the eyes; I've already been defeated. The next few words I say were the words of a man that momentarily lost dignity. EH. I didn't get her number, end of story.
I've explained it already, BUT I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE. And that was like, 10 G of weight on my shoulder.
Half a year ago, Jaime and I claimed Alex's man card because of a similar situation, and now, karma strikes back, and I've lost mine to him. ARGH.
I'll live, but DAMN.
ICE COLD!
eh, who am I kidding. Damned EMO is leaking out again... I should have just stayed at Jen's, it was getting fun. The usual Thursday night crowd was there, the comfort zone was there. Alas, I've got priorities. Damned younger sister needs to CARPOOL her ass to school, I want to party and sleep in. Well whatever, I'm ranting and raving... see what a bombshell of a girl can do to one's thought processes? I find myself identifying with Alex everyday. EMO!
I've lost my man card. In front of, and to Alex, no less. And the day was going quite well, too...
So, I was able to rally Ryan and Alex to the Aceyalone/Visionaries concert, the big night that we could let loose a bit, and for me to see HER (#1). It was going down pretty well, hadn't caught sight of her during the Visionaries set, and Alex and I wander outside after their performance. We see Erwin chillin outside, waiting for a way to get into the show. See, Erwin is the folks, and he's trying to sneak in because the rest of his folks are in there, including mine and Alex's "unicorns." Eventually, Alex scores Erwin a way in, because one of his friends is working the door. So we're all in now, and Erwin shows us the way to where THEY are. So shit, the storm is brewin. I locate Ryan, and now we're rockin steady to Ace-one, within distance from HERs (Alex and mine, respectively). The show rocks socks, and when it ended, we're all chillin in the lobby. Alex is 'wooing' his, and I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm of mine.
Little did I know, the family connection has surfaced as I had hoped it wouldnt: Eric Nedora is there, and Henry (Geno's homie) is there as well. I retardedly mention the Hiero pictures I'm going to develop for her...and then, the disaster hits. I fumble my words, trying not to look like some fool perpetrator moving in on a girl in the midst of her folks. I verbally dance around the subject of trying to get her number, fully aware that there are people here who've known me for as long as I've lived in Sac, and that connection can MAKE or BREAK me. All the while I'm stumbling over my words, Henry sees through me and says, "Why don't you just ask for her number, man." AND HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I don't even look her in the eyes; I've already been defeated. The next few words I say were the words of a man that momentarily lost dignity. EH. I didn't get her number, end of story.
I've explained it already, BUT I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE. And that was like, 10 G of weight on my shoulder.
Half a year ago, Jaime and I claimed Alex's man card because of a similar situation, and now, karma strikes back, and I've lost mine to him. ARGH.
I'll live, but DAMN.
ICE COLD!
eh, who am I kidding. Damned EMO is leaking out again... I should have just stayed at Jen's, it was getting fun. The usual Thursday night crowd was there, the comfort zone was there. Alas, I've got priorities. Damned younger sister needs to CARPOOL her ass to school, I want to party and sleep in. Well whatever, I'm ranting and raving... see what a bombshell of a girl can do to one's thought processes? I find myself identifying with Alex everyday. EMO!
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Fly little bird, as only your wings can send you
Fuck, its only Tuesday. What a way to get this week going. Yesterday was just the standard-fare-monday: school, 7 hours of work, a bit of chit-chatting with my classmate Terell before I headed out to make the money. He's a cool cat, might end up kicking it with him sooner or later outside of school.
Today, I got to hang out with Dave for a bit, get plans rolling for our history papers, and the normal talk. After talking to Dave, I headed over to Diana's and totally hung out with her for half an hour. On her bed. With her on it. OMG. It felt good to be around her again.
Oh, and I got several unexpected calls today, one of which from Shannon (former Connection staff-mate) telling me about a party at her and Pera's (!) place out in Chico. I want to go... but it's certain that Her #2 will be there. DILEMMA.
Another call was from Apple Computers about buying a warranty for my laptop (which will expire in a couple of days). Crap.
Later in the day, Alex called, and he eventually rolled by my place at late 7. We went to the store to get him a pack of smokes, Hollywood Video to 'surprise' Nolan, and eventually to Jen's kick it with Rob while Alex did his laundry there. And now. I've flown home, and I am still in the sky. Bye!
Fuck, its only Tuesday. What a way to get this week going. Yesterday was just the standard-fare-monday: school, 7 hours of work, a bit of chit-chatting with my classmate Terell before I headed out to make the money. He's a cool cat, might end up kicking it with him sooner or later outside of school.
Today, I got to hang out with Dave for a bit, get plans rolling for our history papers, and the normal talk. After talking to Dave, I headed over to Diana's and totally hung out with her for half an hour. On her bed. With her on it. OMG. It felt good to be around her again.
Oh, and I got several unexpected calls today, one of which from Shannon (former Connection staff-mate) telling me about a party at her and Pera's (!) place out in Chico. I want to go... but it's certain that Her #2 will be there. DILEMMA.
Another call was from Apple Computers about buying a warranty for my laptop (which will expire in a couple of days). Crap.
Later in the day, Alex called, and he eventually rolled by my place at late 7. We went to the store to get him a pack of smokes, Hollywood Video to 'surprise' Nolan, and eventually to Jen's kick it with Rob while Alex did his laundry there. And now. I've flown home, and I am still in the sky. Bye!
3, 2, 1, and the walls crumble
I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...
Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.
I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that look...like, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this afternoon...my phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.
...
...
...
I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.
To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.
I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...
Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.
I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that look...like, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this afternoon...my phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.
...
...
...
I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.
To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Three days of mild mayhem
Thursday: Like a week or so back, Thursday played host to another kickback at Jens. It wasn't as action-packed as I hoped, but there were still a couple of cool moments to glean from that night. For a period of about 30 minutes, it was just me, Rob, and Pat as the only guys in the house. In this brief half-hour, the ratio of girl-to-guy was actually tipped in THEIR favor. Five girls, three guys. Holy moly. And not, like, barely-bonkable girls. Rob's former co-workers Erica & Jeanelle, their friend, and Diana & Cindy. We could have seriously had the dream orgy there. Hah. The rest of the night was just kickin it with the folks, drinking and smoking.
Friday: I opted not to work extra hours, because I was getting lazy. Instead, I just chilled at home. Being lazy. Jaime and Orlando came by for a bit, and later that night I eventually went out to meet up with the former sQuiD kids at Futami's in celebration of Ryan's coming birthday. In honor of my bestestest buddy's birthday, I take a shot of sake and drink some plum wine. Loosey-goosey. After dinner, Alex finally swings by, and we roll to Orlando's to kick it for the rest of the night. We try to plan for tomorrow, but nothing really came to mind.
Saturday: SQUAREone (continued). A rave. My first rave. It was pretty fun, considering the rave thing is not my scene. But it was coo nonetheless. The best part was that I was on the guestlist with most of my friends thanks to ol' boys Adam and Pat. The downer was that Ryan, Alex, Adam, and I weren't able to rock some live art in the rave as we had hoped. So now Adam's got a big piece of plywood that should have been painted on. However, it was a fun four hours or so of jumping around like I'm suffering from seizures, and smoking nearly a whole pack of Luckie Strikes. In FACT, we (Nolan, Ryan, Jaime, and I) were luckie bastards tonight, seeing as how we dodged the retribution of The Man tonight, but got to the rave late because of it (thus missing Nick's set, GRR).
Thursday: Like a week or so back, Thursday played host to another kickback at Jens. It wasn't as action-packed as I hoped, but there were still a couple of cool moments to glean from that night. For a period of about 30 minutes, it was just me, Rob, and Pat as the only guys in the house. In this brief half-hour, the ratio of girl-to-guy was actually tipped in THEIR favor. Five girls, three guys. Holy moly. And not, like, barely-bonkable girls. Rob's former co-workers Erica & Jeanelle, their friend, and Diana & Cindy. We could have seriously had the dream orgy there. Hah. The rest of the night was just kickin it with the folks, drinking and smoking.
Friday: I opted not to work extra hours, because I was getting lazy. Instead, I just chilled at home. Being lazy. Jaime and Orlando came by for a bit, and later that night I eventually went out to meet up with the former sQuiD kids at Futami's in celebration of Ryan's coming birthday. In honor of my bestestest buddy's birthday, I take a shot of sake and drink some plum wine. Loosey-goosey. After dinner, Alex finally swings by, and we roll to Orlando's to kick it for the rest of the night. We try to plan for tomorrow, but nothing really came to mind.
Saturday: SQUAREone (continued). A rave. My first rave. It was pretty fun, considering the rave thing is not my scene. But it was coo nonetheless. The best part was that I was on the guestlist with most of my friends thanks to ol' boys Adam and Pat. The downer was that Ryan, Alex, Adam, and I weren't able to rock some live art in the rave as we had hoped. So now Adam's got a big piece of plywood that should have been painted on. However, it was a fun four hours or so of jumping around like I'm suffering from seizures, and smoking nearly a whole pack of Luckie Strikes. In FACT, we (Nolan, Ryan, Jaime, and I) were luckie bastards tonight, seeing as how we dodged the retribution of The Man tonight, but got to the rave late because of it (thus missing Nick's set, GRR).
Friday, February 27, 2004
Monday, February 23, 2004
Cash Rules Everything Around Me
Work has started once more for me. A break in the otherwise monotonous routine these past six months. But now that I've got a job I can consider stable income for the next few months, all of these financial woes are starting to come up. How am I going to figure out my budget? What can I consider 'want to buy' and 'need to buy?' First things first: debt. I've got debts piled on in several different directions. Credit card bill (respark), car insurance, car repairs (?), loyalty dues to the homies, gas, cell phone. URGH. And then there's the projected spenditures in the coming months. Coachella, San Diego, Las Vegas. Lastly, below all the important things, there are the small things... they're not as essential to me trying to live my life, but they're much cheaper in single amounts (although the little things add up).
so here's the preliminary equation to figuring out the next few months: $8 base pay x 20 hours worked per week = $160 x 4 weeks a month = $640, deduct taxes -> ~$550 x 4 months of work = $2200 - $400 of car insurance pay during those 4 months = 1800 - $200 for Coachella= $1600 - $500 for SDCC = $1100 - $330 for website bill = $770 or so for miscellaneous expenses.
that's not even figuring in my goal of gettin a snowboard ($300+). i am SOOO doomed this year.
on the flip side, today was maddeningly sweet. although i slept in and didn't get up in time to meet up with Dave to study (sorry about that, bud), i dropped on campus at just the right moments to run into some cool folks. for one, i walked up to the main building with Daryl Watson, one of the cooler comic artists i know of locally. we chit-chatted real quick, and i headed over to wait for my class to start. while waiting, i give a brief holla at HER (identification of the various girls i refer to will be described sooner or later). as usual, we have one of those pass-you-down-the-hall kinds of meetings consisting of:
"hi, how are you doing?"
"good, how about you"
"blah blah blah?"
"yeah, blah blah"
the quickness of the moment was still satisfying enough.
after class, i finally meet up with dave in the union, and meet one of his friends artist friends, Victor. nice guy, this Victor. i spot Henry and Dewon and discuss the events that went down at Henry's party, and shared a slight account of the shenanigans at Rob's. Jaime and Ryan come by Dave's table, and we kick it for a bit. All in all, I stick around campus and get to hang out with Jaime, Ryan, Nolan, Van, Dave, and Jen. Not bad at all.
all the lounging about actually almost had me running late to the first day of work, but i still managed to get in right on time. during work, i was actually able to spot HER #5, who i did not expect to be at FTB once again. needless to say, i'm fairly hyped up about this season of working.
then, when i got home, i checked my friendster account, and lo & behold... i get a message back from HER #2. ugh, i should really figure out which HER is HER. hah.
Work has started once more for me. A break in the otherwise monotonous routine these past six months. But now that I've got a job I can consider stable income for the next few months, all of these financial woes are starting to come up. How am I going to figure out my budget? What can I consider 'want to buy' and 'need to buy?' First things first: debt. I've got debts piled on in several different directions. Credit card bill (respark), car insurance, car repairs (?), loyalty dues to the homies, gas, cell phone. URGH. And then there's the projected spenditures in the coming months. Coachella, San Diego, Las Vegas. Lastly, below all the important things, there are the small things... they're not as essential to me trying to live my life, but they're much cheaper in single amounts (although the little things add up).
so here's the preliminary equation to figuring out the next few months: $8 base pay x 20 hours worked per week = $160 x 4 weeks a month = $640, deduct taxes -> ~$550 x 4 months of work = $2200 - $400 of car insurance pay during those 4 months = 1800 - $200 for Coachella= $1600 - $500 for SDCC = $1100 - $330 for website bill = $770 or so for miscellaneous expenses.
that's not even figuring in my goal of gettin a snowboard ($300+). i am SOOO doomed this year.
on the flip side, today was maddeningly sweet. although i slept in and didn't get up in time to meet up with Dave to study (sorry about that, bud), i dropped on campus at just the right moments to run into some cool folks. for one, i walked up to the main building with Daryl Watson, one of the cooler comic artists i know of locally. we chit-chatted real quick, and i headed over to wait for my class to start. while waiting, i give a brief holla at HER (identification of the various girls i refer to will be described sooner or later). as usual, we have one of those pass-you-down-the-hall kinds of meetings consisting of:
"hi, how are you doing?"
"good, how about you"
"blah blah blah?"
"yeah, blah blah"
the quickness of the moment was still satisfying enough.
after class, i finally meet up with dave in the union, and meet one of his friends artist friends, Victor. nice guy, this Victor. i spot Henry and Dewon and discuss the events that went down at Henry's party, and shared a slight account of the shenanigans at Rob's. Jaime and Ryan come by Dave's table, and we kick it for a bit. All in all, I stick around campus and get to hang out with Jaime, Ryan, Nolan, Van, Dave, and Jen. Not bad at all.
all the lounging about actually almost had me running late to the first day of work, but i still managed to get in right on time. during work, i was actually able to spot HER #5, who i did not expect to be at FTB once again. needless to say, i'm fairly hyped up about this season of working.
then, when i got home, i checked my friendster account, and lo & behold... i get a message back from HER #2. ugh, i should really figure out which HER is HER. hah.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Ok. So. I'm a bit high. . . ?
I'm mostly coming down from the height, but earlier, it was like a complete replay of the experience of induced euphoria during the cabin. The same kind of feeling of "awakening" with each moment I blink, as if I'm entering a new state of consciousness everytime I re-focus my eyes. Trippiness is the exact definition. And then I almost returned to that fucked cycle of obsessive-compulsive thoughts that kept repeating, "dude, these thoughts you're thinking are GENIOUS, you MUST write them down to share to the WORLD!"
haahaha.
After those distinct states of euphoria abated, I become less 'loose' with my senses. Simultaneous feelings of fatigue and minor attention of sensations assaulted my thougts. Cool. Now, I'm just in that general sphere of reality where everything feels distant and disjointed from the 'reality' you think you're perceiving. Fuck, when I read this in the morning I won't have a DAMN clue of what I'm describing. It's coo. I'MHIGHFOO.
I'm mostly coming down from the height, but earlier, it was like a complete replay of the experience of induced euphoria during the cabin. The same kind of feeling of "awakening" with each moment I blink, as if I'm entering a new state of consciousness everytime I re-focus my eyes. Trippiness is the exact definition. And then I almost returned to that fucked cycle of obsessive-compulsive thoughts that kept repeating, "dude, these thoughts you're thinking are GENIOUS, you MUST write them down to share to the WORLD!"
haahaha.
After those distinct states of euphoria abated, I become less 'loose' with my senses. Simultaneous feelings of fatigue and minor attention of sensations assaulted my thougts. Cool. Now, I'm just in that general sphere of reality where everything feels distant and disjointed from the 'reality' you think you're perceiving. Fuck, when I read this in the morning I won't have a DAMN clue of what I'm describing. It's coo. I'MHIGHFOO.
whaaaaaat?!??
so.
APE was the rockingest. Of course it doesn't top SDCC, right? No matter, this weekend so far has been chaotic, to say the least.
The night before the big-bad APE, a lot of HECTIC things went down, capped I by a late night visit to Rob's place, complete with a stealth escape from Frank (a.k.a. Orlando). The usual suspects were present, Jasmine/Kiel, Jamie, Jen (plus her co-worker Melissa), Ale Elexa, Rob, Nick, Savage, and Pat. Fun times, from plans getting scheduled and re-scheduled on the fly, to wildness at the Davidson's. First, Van, Jaime, and I went out to a suck-ass 'Mexican' restaurant. It's called Vientos, don't go there. Afterward, we played a bit of phone-tag with Ryan and Ron, resulting in us (Van+Jaime+me) heading back to my place and later meeting up with Ron + Ryan + Orlando + Sherly at Urban Cafe. We chilled outside; the first of Jaime's cigars are blazed. Afterward, Ron + Van + Jaime + Ron roll out to Borders' shopping plaza, to chill in front of Aloha Sushi. In time, we see Cindy pop out of Borders with some of her friends, after which we shoot the breeze with her. Eventually, the four of us are on the way home, which turned out to be only half the night (and it was only midnight). When I get home, I'm told there's a little kickback at Rob's. SWEET. Although I thought Jaime didn't want to go, I learn that he does go out, and I, fresh out of the shower, rush my ass over to chilllll. Frank took over that night and snuck out to live it up as well. I get home at well past 3 am.
The next morning, was the quasi-unexpected trip to APE. I awoke to the sounds of rocks thrown at my window at a good 9:30am. Ryan and Jaime have come to pick me up to head out to San Fran. BODACIOUS. So we head out, after a oil-change and gas-up. We truck it to Hilltop, and stop to get lunch. Three McChickens, please...capitalist slave! We finally make it to the Bay City, luckily surviving the trek up the foothills. APE was a blast, saw some cool indy talents, Jaime drank a gin & tonic at 3pm, I met BECKY CLOONAN, the Jet Rag monkey cats, Amador, the guys behind Hamburger Eyes, Jim Mahfood, and random other indy consters. I managed to walk away with Demo #1-4, a large print of Becky's work, a DEMO patch, and a pin-up & movie poster of Hellboy. RADICAL. After parting ways with the hairy APE at about 5pm (and that really hot girl that walked around the con), the boys were back in town. Ryan, Jaime, and I, met up with "Frank" for a meal at TK at around 7. Num-num. We split ways with Ryan, and Frank, Jaime & I try to make it to Skip's to buy a guitar. No go. With no options left for now, we return to my place, only to find I am locked out. An hour or so later, my sister shows up to open the garage so we can get in. With much deliberation over trying to head out to Henry's for a party/kickback, we instead make our way back to Robert's once more. Once again, the same cool-kid crowd have met up, but this time, I AM PREPARED. With my camera within access, I was able to capture randomly great moments. From the gratuitous booty shots, to the embarrasing shots of me in an "elevated" state of mind, the BLACKMAIL is prime. Although Frank and Jaime left early, the fun kept rolling, until I decided to leave at 3am. Unfortunately, I'm most likely missing much more.
P.S.: we forgot to bring Alex to APE! D'oh!
P.P.S.: I'm flying! WOOOOO! ok, gnite.
so.
APE was the rockingest. Of course it doesn't top SDCC, right? No matter, this weekend so far has been chaotic, to say the least.
The night before the big-bad APE, a lot of HECTIC things went down, capped I by a late night visit to Rob's place, complete with a stealth escape from Frank (a.k.a. Orlando). The usual suspects were present, Jasmine/Kiel, Jamie, Jen (plus her co-worker Melissa), Ale Elexa, Rob, Nick, Savage, and Pat. Fun times, from plans getting scheduled and re-scheduled on the fly, to wildness at the Davidson's. First, Van, Jaime, and I went out to a suck-ass 'Mexican' restaurant. It's called Vientos, don't go there. Afterward, we played a bit of phone-tag with Ryan and Ron, resulting in us (Van+Jaime+me) heading back to my place and later meeting up with Ron + Ryan + Orlando + Sherly at Urban Cafe. We chilled outside; the first of Jaime's cigars are blazed. Afterward, Ron + Van + Jaime + Ron roll out to Borders' shopping plaza, to chill in front of Aloha Sushi. In time, we see Cindy pop out of Borders with some of her friends, after which we shoot the breeze with her. Eventually, the four of us are on the way home, which turned out to be only half the night (and it was only midnight). When I get home, I'm told there's a little kickback at Rob's. SWEET. Although I thought Jaime didn't want to go, I learn that he does go out, and I, fresh out of the shower, rush my ass over to chilllll. Frank took over that night and snuck out to live it up as well. I get home at well past 3 am.
The next morning, was the quasi-unexpected trip to APE. I awoke to the sounds of rocks thrown at my window at a good 9:30am. Ryan and Jaime have come to pick me up to head out to San Fran. BODACIOUS. So we head out, after a oil-change and gas-up. We truck it to Hilltop, and stop to get lunch. Three McChickens, please...capitalist slave! We finally make it to the Bay City, luckily surviving the trek up the foothills. APE was a blast, saw some cool indy talents, Jaime drank a gin & tonic at 3pm, I met BECKY CLOONAN, the Jet Rag monkey cats, Amador, the guys behind Hamburger Eyes, Jim Mahfood, and random other indy consters. I managed to walk away with Demo #1-4, a large print of Becky's work, a DEMO patch, and a pin-up & movie poster of Hellboy. RADICAL. After parting ways with the hairy APE at about 5pm (and that really hot girl that walked around the con), the boys were back in town. Ryan, Jaime, and I, met up with "Frank" for a meal at TK at around 7. Num-num. We split ways with Ryan, and Frank, Jaime & I try to make it to Skip's to buy a guitar. No go. With no options left for now, we return to my place, only to find I am locked out. An hour or so later, my sister shows up to open the garage so we can get in. With much deliberation over trying to head out to Henry's for a party/kickback, we instead make our way back to Robert's once more. Once again, the same cool-kid crowd have met up, but this time, I AM PREPARED. With my camera within access, I was able to capture randomly great moments. From the gratuitous booty shots, to the embarrasing shots of me in an "elevated" state of mind, the BLACKMAIL is prime. Although Frank and Jaime left early, the fun kept rolling, until I decided to leave at 3am. Unfortunately, I'm most likely missing much more.
P.S.: we forgot to bring Alex to APE! D'oh!
P.P.S.: I'm flying! WOOOOO! ok, gnite.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Seems just about right
Dead-end theories of things I love to hate
There's nothing like seeing your face, your smile, on a daily basis.
Hell, if I saw you once in a year, that feeling will not have been erased.
When you give me that look, however brief or protracted, I am simultaneously destroyed and rebuilt.
It's a sin what I think of you sometimes, but I can seriously live with that guilt.
In my mind's eye, I can remember every detail, the minute features that make you what you are and unique.
I'm a devil, you're an angel, it's chaotic cacophony when I think, melodic symphony when you speak.
There's nothing about you that I don't love, but it's what I become that I hate.
A walking catastrophe, absent-minded, my thoughts register too little, too late.
What is this that you've done to me? What voodo did you do, did you do?
My waking moments are filled with images of you constantly.
Ambiguity is the rule to the way that we play this game.
Lucidity is what I want, and it's that fact that's the real shame.
Existence is vapid and shallow at this lowest of lows, and my hopes are rapid and fleeting like death throes.
FUCK the doubt, fuck the dark history, fuck friendship and it's benefits and gains.
I AM THE BULLET, YOU ARE THE TRIGGER, POINT THE BARREL AT MY HEAD AND BLOW OUT MY BRAINS.
Dead-end theories of things I love to hate
There's nothing like seeing your face, your smile, on a daily basis.
Hell, if I saw you once in a year, that feeling will not have been erased.
When you give me that look, however brief or protracted, I am simultaneously destroyed and rebuilt.
It's a sin what I think of you sometimes, but I can seriously live with that guilt.
In my mind's eye, I can remember every detail, the minute features that make you what you are and unique.
I'm a devil, you're an angel, it's chaotic cacophony when I think, melodic symphony when you speak.
There's nothing about you that I don't love, but it's what I become that I hate.
A walking catastrophe, absent-minded, my thoughts register too little, too late.
What is this that you've done to me? What voodo did you do, did you do?
My waking moments are filled with images of you constantly.
Ambiguity is the rule to the way that we play this game.
Lucidity is what I want, and it's that fact that's the real shame.
Existence is vapid and shallow at this lowest of lows, and my hopes are rapid and fleeting like death throes.
FUCK the doubt, fuck the dark history, fuck friendship and it's benefits and gains.
I AM THE BULLET, YOU ARE THE TRIGGER, POINT THE BARREL AT MY HEAD AND BLOW OUT MY BRAINS.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Valentines didn't turn out as uneventful as I thought. I ended up rolling out to Dobhie's house, since that's where most of the adults went to gamble. They had an ample supply of food to eat, which was good enough to keep me occupied. The cool part was that I was able to drive my dad over there in the MERCEDES. Hell yeah. Geno and Dobhie were there that night, and they told me that there was actually something to do on Friday night. Too bad my phone had died early on Friday, and I was unable to give him a call about it.
Hm. So Sunday has shaped up to be another surprising day in a string of days that have...well, surprised me. Went to church, big woop. BUT, being at church is always something to look forward, if only to spy on the really hot girls that go there. But this Sunday took the fuckin cake when it comes to a church day that has THE HOTNESS. For one, I spotted a cute girl that's also my classmate. Rad.
And then...as the offering is about to moved up to the priest at the altar, I see HER. (I'm sorry if I'm starting to confuse you readers with my many references to a "HER") This is not the same girl as I have ranted about before, this is the long standing Crush of all Crushes, dating back from AT LEAST 8th grade back in Samuel Jackman Middle School.
Ok, so she is bringing up the offering, and I could barely comprehend the moment, as I was sincerely DUMBFOUNDED by seeing her here, of all days, of all places, of all times.
I picked up my jaw and reinserted it with my mouth, and quickly shook the dumbfoundedness off. This girl is the queen supreme of my dreams, she physically and personally blends the best things I like. As she walked past my aisle to return to her pew, I kind of give a quick glance up, but just as quickly duck low so that maybe she doesn't see me as she walks within a mere two feet of my position.
Church mass ends, and I make my way out, hoping to get home as quickly as possible to shake off the feeling of just SEEING HER. You see, I have been communicating with this girl recently by way of Friendster. And even through this rudimentary form, I can still sense how rad she is after all these years. Sadly, I'm still too pussy to even TRY to get a number or a more personal way of talking to her. Actually, I'm just hoping that one day soon, I will genuinely bump into her somewhere out there, and we will have a grand conversation in which I can gain her number in a worthy fashion.
But anyway, I wait outside for the rest of my family to filter out, and this girl has already gotten in her car and is leaving the parking lot. My dad is right behind her car in our mercedes, and I look towards him, but catch her eye. She gives me a quick wave and that beautiful smile, and I return it. My existence has temporarily been validated.
Enough of that.
After the hub-bub of church, I was finally able to get to the important work at hand: designing websites. So far, I've just about finished respark's main site. For now, this page will be every visitor's welcome, with more content to be added as I figure it out what to add.
Somewhere during the day, Elissa gave me a ring to tell me that she, along with her sister Arlene, are to stop by my place. Arlene had a research paper to work on which involved my participation in a survey. Cool enough.
Later during the night, I got a call from Jun, telling me the things I've been waiting for since Friday. He scored me two things I requested of him. PROPS homeboy.
Now, I'm once again neglecting webdesign work, and randomly lollygagging online with my peers, one of whom I'm giving some pointers when it comes to sequential art. Yay. Too bad some of the key people I'd hope to be online right now AREN'T on. WAY too many people leave their away messages up.
Hm. So Sunday has shaped up to be another surprising day in a string of days that have...well, surprised me. Went to church, big woop. BUT, being at church is always something to look forward, if only to spy on the really hot girls that go there. But this Sunday took the fuckin cake when it comes to a church day that has THE HOTNESS. For one, I spotted a cute girl that's also my classmate. Rad.
And then...as the offering is about to moved up to the priest at the altar, I see HER. (I'm sorry if I'm starting to confuse you readers with my many references to a "HER") This is not the same girl as I have ranted about before, this is the long standing Crush of all Crushes, dating back from AT LEAST 8th grade back in Samuel Jackman Middle School.
Ok, so she is bringing up the offering, and I could barely comprehend the moment, as I was sincerely DUMBFOUNDED by seeing her here, of all days, of all places, of all times.
I picked up my jaw and reinserted it with my mouth, and quickly shook the dumbfoundedness off. This girl is the queen supreme of my dreams, she physically and personally blends the best things I like. As she walked past my aisle to return to her pew, I kind of give a quick glance up, but just as quickly duck low so that maybe she doesn't see me as she walks within a mere two feet of my position.
Church mass ends, and I make my way out, hoping to get home as quickly as possible to shake off the feeling of just SEEING HER. You see, I have been communicating with this girl recently by way of Friendster. And even through this rudimentary form, I can still sense how rad she is after all these years. Sadly, I'm still too pussy to even TRY to get a number or a more personal way of talking to her. Actually, I'm just hoping that one day soon, I will genuinely bump into her somewhere out there, and we will have a grand conversation in which I can gain her number in a worthy fashion.
But anyway, I wait outside for the rest of my family to filter out, and this girl has already gotten in her car and is leaving the parking lot. My dad is right behind her car in our mercedes, and I look towards him, but catch her eye. She gives me a quick wave and that beautiful smile, and I return it. My existence has temporarily been validated.
Enough of that.
After the hub-bub of church, I was finally able to get to the important work at hand: designing websites. So far, I've just about finished respark's main site. For now, this page will be every visitor's welcome, with more content to be added as I figure it out what to add.
Somewhere during the day, Elissa gave me a ring to tell me that she, along with her sister Arlene, are to stop by my place. Arlene had a research paper to work on which involved my participation in a survey. Cool enough.
Later during the night, I got a call from Jun, telling me the things I've been waiting for since Friday. He scored me two things I requested of him. PROPS homeboy.
Now, I'm once again neglecting webdesign work, and randomly lollygagging online with my peers, one of whom I'm giving some pointers when it comes to sequential art. Yay. Too bad some of the key people I'd hope to be online right now AREN'T on. WAY too many people leave their away messages up.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Happy Valentines Day, fuckers
So this is the infamous day, and I have successfully dodged the possibilities of my further humiliation. One year ago, I went out on a date with the girl I thought could be THE ONE, or at least, THE ONE until I actually found the real deal holyfield. All was well with the date, until I did something that forever changed the course of that night and our relationship. I broke my 6 CD changer. This event led to all kinds of fucked up shit, from her ex-boyfriend joining us on that date to me eventually not wanting to see her for a while, and then her randomly showing up and resparking a retardedly doomed thing. BAH.
This year, I saw the omens far ahead of time, I knew what I could do and what I HAD TO DO. As far back as before the cabin-trip, I knew I was recklessly hurtling to this day: Valentine's Day. I even referred to this day many blogger entries ago, that in the struggle of love between man and woman, Valentines Day was the inevitable D-Day for the war's turning point.
The difference in this year was even more clear as the V-Day approached. Thursday was a good day, TOO good a day. It was our official end of the week, as my school had Friday and the coming Monday marked as holidays. That night, there was a party/BBQ at Jen's house, where it was essentially the usual crowd, dominantly male and mostly single. Alex was already feeling the grasp of Valentines dark side, where the depression of singlehood can feel like there is no bottom. I was at that edge with him, but at the same time stradling the opposite side: risking my dignity and actually going on a date with a girl who's I'm starting to see as a representation of THE ONE. But Thursday was the HIGH point of this horrible period of time. Friday would come to be the nail in the coffin.
For once, the old gang was almost fully assembled: Ryan was driver, Orlando/Frank had come out of hiding, Jaime was the legal representative, and Alex and I were there for the ride...or I thought. Alex was still in the throes of sickness, but came along with us; I had hoped his addition to the party mobile would prove this Friday to be a great night to be out. FUCK, were we wrong. As we strolled into the downtown maze, all was quiet, eerily quiet. Infusion, a new cafe that opened up a few weeks back, was desolate. We tried getting in touch with friends who could point us to a fun thing to do: no dice. We dropped by Hollywood Video to see Nolan, still no idea what to do. We headed back to my house to re-coup. Nothing. So we end up getting a call from Nolan on his way out of work. We chill in the shopping plaza parking lot, still coming up with a plan of action on this, yet ANOTHER "Fun Friday." It seemed the entire city had slept for that night.
Finally, the option was taken to go to Mr. Perry's to have a late snack and hang-out. Lo and behold, Perry's was the busiest place this night.
Luckily, Mr. Chris Lee was there to surprise us with his presence, and we ended up just hanging out shooting the breeze from that point on.
And now, it is Saturday, St. Valentine's day. It's 6:40, and I am doing nothing. Have I succeeded in evading a possible replay of last year? Or have I failed to drive myself out of this rut? Maybe I'll figure that out in the coming days.
So this is the infamous day, and I have successfully dodged the possibilities of my further humiliation. One year ago, I went out on a date with the girl I thought could be THE ONE, or at least, THE ONE until I actually found the real deal holyfield. All was well with the date, until I did something that forever changed the course of that night and our relationship. I broke my 6 CD changer. This event led to all kinds of fucked up shit, from her ex-boyfriend joining us on that date to me eventually not wanting to see her for a while, and then her randomly showing up and resparking a retardedly doomed thing. BAH.
This year, I saw the omens far ahead of time, I knew what I could do and what I HAD TO DO. As far back as before the cabin-trip, I knew I was recklessly hurtling to this day: Valentine's Day. I even referred to this day many blogger entries ago, that in the struggle of love between man and woman, Valentines Day was the inevitable D-Day for the war's turning point.
The difference in this year was even more clear as the V-Day approached. Thursday was a good day, TOO good a day. It was our official end of the week, as my school had Friday and the coming Monday marked as holidays. That night, there was a party/BBQ at Jen's house, where it was essentially the usual crowd, dominantly male and mostly single. Alex was already feeling the grasp of Valentines dark side, where the depression of singlehood can feel like there is no bottom. I was at that edge with him, but at the same time stradling the opposite side: risking my dignity and actually going on a date with a girl who's I'm starting to see as a representation of THE ONE. But Thursday was the HIGH point of this horrible period of time. Friday would come to be the nail in the coffin.
For once, the old gang was almost fully assembled: Ryan was driver, Orlando/Frank had come out of hiding, Jaime was the legal representative, and Alex and I were there for the ride...or I thought. Alex was still in the throes of sickness, but came along with us; I had hoped his addition to the party mobile would prove this Friday to be a great night to be out. FUCK, were we wrong. As we strolled into the downtown maze, all was quiet, eerily quiet. Infusion, a new cafe that opened up a few weeks back, was desolate. We tried getting in touch with friends who could point us to a fun thing to do: no dice. We dropped by Hollywood Video to see Nolan, still no idea what to do. We headed back to my house to re-coup. Nothing. So we end up getting a call from Nolan on his way out of work. We chill in the shopping plaza parking lot, still coming up with a plan of action on this, yet ANOTHER "Fun Friday." It seemed the entire city had slept for that night.
Finally, the option was taken to go to Mr. Perry's to have a late snack and hang-out. Lo and behold, Perry's was the busiest place this night.
Luckily, Mr. Chris Lee was there to surprise us with his presence, and we ended up just hanging out shooting the breeze from that point on.
And now, it is Saturday, St. Valentine's day. It's 6:40, and I am doing nothing. Have I succeeded in evading a possible replay of last year? Or have I failed to drive myself out of this rut? Maybe I'll figure that out in the coming days.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
FUCKSHITASSFUUUUCK
I just checked my bank account online, and I've got the bill for buying respark.net... $333.60. HOLYSHIT. Help, anyone?
Hahaha, don't worry about it. I've got a meager amount of savings in there, which means I'll be throwing in the minimum for a while. Until I get a job, that is. If not... I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED UP THE ASS.
So, the belt is going to have to be tightened from here on out, every penny pinched. Whatever pitance I get will go straight to the bank, to keep me afloat above the dark depths of Davy Jones' locker of bad credit rating.
On the bright side, my risky venture has some signs of worth, as I think I was able to recruit (with the immense help of Travis/Diabolicol) this talented mofo that goes by the alias Fel.
Also, my mentor and hero Wil (dub317) has resurfaced, with a new site in the works. We had a pretty cool convo goin on tonight, in which he urged me to make a photoshop tutorial for him. Imagine that, my old mentor is asking me to teach him a thing or two. That's crazy.
But eh, the dreaded Valentines is fast approaching, and I'm out of viable options to consciously dodge that night. Will I cave and ask this certain girl out? Or will I stay ice cold and try to find a party to drown away the memory of last year's horrible date? (Please refer to blog entry 2/09/2003-2/15/2003)
I sure as hell can't try to go spend-crazy this time around.
I should really get off this before I forget about the many projects I've got to get out of the way. Ta-ta.
I just checked my bank account online, and I've got the bill for buying respark.net... $333.60. HOLYSHIT. Help, anyone?
Hahaha, don't worry about it. I've got a meager amount of savings in there, which means I'll be throwing in the minimum for a while. Until I get a job, that is. If not... I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED UP THE ASS.
So, the belt is going to have to be tightened from here on out, every penny pinched. Whatever pitance I get will go straight to the bank, to keep me afloat above the dark depths of Davy Jones' locker of bad credit rating.
On the bright side, my risky venture has some signs of worth, as I think I was able to recruit (with the immense help of Travis/Diabolicol) this talented mofo that goes by the alias Fel.
Also, my mentor and hero Wil (dub317) has resurfaced, with a new site in the works. We had a pretty cool convo goin on tonight, in which he urged me to make a photoshop tutorial for him. Imagine that, my old mentor is asking me to teach him a thing or two. That's crazy.
But eh, the dreaded Valentines is fast approaching, and I'm out of viable options to consciously dodge that night. Will I cave and ask this certain girl out? Or will I stay ice cold and try to find a party to drown away the memory of last year's horrible date? (Please refer to blog entry 2/09/2003-2/15/2003)
I sure as hell can't try to go spend-crazy this time around.
I should really get off this before I forget about the many projects I've got to get out of the way. Ta-ta.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Monday, February 09, 2004
Ho-ly shit. I was 'lucky' enough to bump into HER on my tardy way to class this morning. I was somewhat jittery, but I can attribute that to the fact that it was quite cold at the time. But yeah, we exchanged a bit of small talk, glad that she recognized me. well, its not like it was hard to do so, since I gave her a surprised look and slightly exclaimed, "Oh hey! It's you." Smooth man, real smooth. anyway. SHE TOTALLY ROCKS MY WORLD. except I have NOFUCKINCHANCE at her. it's okay, everyone is entitled to their dream.
Speaking of dreams, when I got home, I took a mid-day nap, because I had nothing better to do (and I was waiting for the DNS to finally load my goddamned account). Within the nap I had, was probably one of the oddest vibed dreams I've had in recent memory. It was winter in the mountains, possibly the next cabin trip with the friends. The same crowd was present, plus Alex. In one moment, I am happily enjoying the outdoors with 'the girl,' (not the same one mentioned earlier in this post) when I ultimately foul up the blissfulness of our time together. I think we were lightly rough-housing, when she pushes me back a bit. I push her back, and taunt her to come at me. She does so, with this angelic smile on her face. Instead, I actually let her playfully pounce on me, but I counter her momentum and viciously toss her aside. I smiled briefly, with all the childish whim of a school-yard bully. She, rising slowly from the ground, flashes me this glance of pure hatred and dispondent loathing. I realize the stupidity of what I had just done, but it was too late. She got up, wiped the tears forming from those beautiful big eyes of hers, and runs off back to the cabin. I try to chase, but she's ahead of me and inside. When I reach the cabin, I ask my cabin-mates where she's gone, but all they tell me is that she came in and ran outside through another door, crying. FUCK!
I catch up to her outside, where shes leaning against the wall, with her back to me. I try to approach quietly, and slowly whisper her name, trying to show that I'm truly and deeply sorry. She's still crying, and tells me to go away (or rather, to "Fuck Off"). I come closer, and put my hand on her back, rubbing it, to give her a sense of assurance of my genuine intentions. She gives me a slight glance, but still won't accept my presence. I grab both of her shoulders and try to turn her towards me, to face me and look me square in the eyes. TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CARE AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO REGAIN HER TRUST AND FORGIVENESS. I try to explain, with all kinds of worthless excuses, and she quiets them all when she tells me, "You really hurt me, I never expected you to hurt me." CRAP. I start sputtering how much I care and that I'd never intentionally hurt her, and I can see that her coldness is starting to soften. Somewhere in my stammering, I must have slipped in the forbidden words of "I," "Love," and/or "You." At that point, I am essentially professing my hidden love for her. She now knows this.
A voice from inside the cabin calls out, and my attention is divided for a fraction of a moment. But in that slight frame of time, something happens that even my own mind (which created the dream) could not understand. My head is turned towards the door I left open, but she grabs my face and pulls me in close. Her lips, those insatiable lips, closes in on mine, and in an instant she is kissing me. I am stunned momentarily, but it does not take me long to realize that THIS is what I've always wanted. We're kissing, and it feels better than anything I could imagine in real or fantasy. And then it stops.
More people are calling out for us, and possibly looking for me or her. We look towards the sound of their voices, hesitant that they might come upon this moment. Instead, I lift my hand towards hers, assuring her that it's ok, fuck what they think. I tell her, "don't worry about them." We kiss once more, and then...
DAMMIT, I wake up.
FUCKFUCKSHITFUCK.
Speaking of dreams, when I got home, I took a mid-day nap, because I had nothing better to do (and I was waiting for the DNS to finally load my goddamned account). Within the nap I had, was probably one of the oddest vibed dreams I've had in recent memory. It was winter in the mountains, possibly the next cabin trip with the friends. The same crowd was present, plus Alex. In one moment, I am happily enjoying the outdoors with 'the girl,' (not the same one mentioned earlier in this post) when I ultimately foul up the blissfulness of our time together. I think we were lightly rough-housing, when she pushes me back a bit. I push her back, and taunt her to come at me. She does so, with this angelic smile on her face. Instead, I actually let her playfully pounce on me, but I counter her momentum and viciously toss her aside. I smiled briefly, with all the childish whim of a school-yard bully. She, rising slowly from the ground, flashes me this glance of pure hatred and dispondent loathing. I realize the stupidity of what I had just done, but it was too late. She got up, wiped the tears forming from those beautiful big eyes of hers, and runs off back to the cabin. I try to chase, but she's ahead of me and inside. When I reach the cabin, I ask my cabin-mates where she's gone, but all they tell me is that she came in and ran outside through another door, crying. FUCK!
I catch up to her outside, where shes leaning against the wall, with her back to me. I try to approach quietly, and slowly whisper her name, trying to show that I'm truly and deeply sorry. She's still crying, and tells me to go away (or rather, to "Fuck Off"). I come closer, and put my hand on her back, rubbing it, to give her a sense of assurance of my genuine intentions. She gives me a slight glance, but still won't accept my presence. I grab both of her shoulders and try to turn her towards me, to face me and look me square in the eyes. TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CARE AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO REGAIN HER TRUST AND FORGIVENESS. I try to explain, with all kinds of worthless excuses, and she quiets them all when she tells me, "You really hurt me, I never expected you to hurt me." CRAP. I start sputtering how much I care and that I'd never intentionally hurt her, and I can see that her coldness is starting to soften. Somewhere in my stammering, I must have slipped in the forbidden words of "I," "Love," and/or "You." At that point, I am essentially professing my hidden love for her. She now knows this.
A voice from inside the cabin calls out, and my attention is divided for a fraction of a moment. But in that slight frame of time, something happens that even my own mind (which created the dream) could not understand. My head is turned towards the door I left open, but she grabs my face and pulls me in close. Her lips, those insatiable lips, closes in on mine, and in an instant she is kissing me. I am stunned momentarily, but it does not take me long to realize that THIS is what I've always wanted. We're kissing, and it feels better than anything I could imagine in real or fantasy. And then it stops.
More people are calling out for us, and possibly looking for me or her. We look towards the sound of their voices, hesitant that they might come upon this moment. Instead, I lift my hand towards hers, assuring her that it's ok, fuck what they think. I tell her, "don't worry about them." We kiss once more, and then...
DAMMIT, I wake up.
FUCKFUCKSHITFUCK.
Wild Nights
Friday may have been just another lame Friday for some, and in truth, it could have very well been one for me. Rather, my Friday was spent in an old 'past-time' that me my group of friends enjoy: REVELRY. That night was host to a party of such harrowing magnitude that has not been seen since the week-long fun-fest of this year's cabin trip. Think of it this way, the only person that WASN'T intoxicated in any way was NOLAN. That, my friends, is saying alot, as he did not even partake of the "chief" as Alex puts it (and oddly, he's the ONLY one I know who puts it that way). It started off with a few phone calls the day before, giving me word that Diana was hosting Cindy's 21st birthday at her place. Within minutes of me being told about it from the lady herself, I was semi-bombarded with queries from a couple of people about the party. I am not one to start or instigate drama, but somehow, I knew I would be in the fuckin THICK of it by attending. Lo and behold, I was the agent of such dramatics that I am somewhat regretting my actions.
Okay, Friday night, I meet up with Alex at his apartment, looking to kill some time before the scheduled 11pm party start. After a few minutes of deliberation, we could not find anything action-packed enough to sate our boredom. It seemed like our night would replay into another one of those "Fun" Fridays. Already, we're heading towards the inevitable insanity that was to come. He and I stop by Adam's place, to chill and get our slack on. We grab a six-pack of Sierra to spark the early buzz and play eighty or so games of Tekken. Before we know it, 11PM is rolling by, and it is nearly time that the party is to start. And so the quandary becomes clear: Will Adam go to Cindy's party with us? OHSHIT, that would be CRAZY. For those not in the general know, Adam and Cindy were together for quite a bit a while back. I would not say they are on the best footing with one another. The possibility is considered, and Alex and I urge Adam to attend, with the most malicious of grins on us. Essentially, we thought we could at least score some shock-value, as in, "Holy shit, Adam is here!" Instead, I chose to forego the 'surprise' guest appearance of Adam, and minded the sentiments of Diana and Cindy. I give Dee a call, asking if I could speak to Cindy. Being the 'insider' that I am, I would use my standing as being good friends of both Diana and Cindy to work the situation to our advantage. Knowing that Cindy was questioning inviting Adam in the first place, I knew that she could not refuse, on this the day of her birthday. BIMBAM, she says yes, after hesitantly asking Diana if it's ok.
SCORE! I have just bought Adam a ticket into a party we knew would be crazy. It was the beginning of the semester, parties aren't exactly abundant around here, so anything we would come across was guaranteed to be unique in it's own way.
And so it was. Although I stopped at around "Round 2," I remember that the others got to at least "Round 5." Diana's balcony was once again home to the smokers of the party, which comprised of more than half the kids there. Roberta and her brother Eli were there, as well as Jen, Rob, Nick, and Pat. Jaime rolled with Ron, and Jasmine & Kiel were present as well. A friend or two of Diana's made late appearances, and Nolan came right after his shift ended at work. As usual, Eli provided the veteran experience of concocting drinks, while the rest of the kids lounged about getting increasingly inebriated with each passing hour. At the height of the festivities, almost half the people at this small kick-back were lit, and all but one person was at least buzzed. For a while, Nolan and Jen went AWOL in the direction of the swings, and five of us wandered out to the park looking for those same swings. Nick was the unofficial champion of liquor drinking, as I had not seen him stop once when it came to taking shots. Kiel was quite elevated, but his liquor consumption was fairly low that night, thankfully. Alex was hit pretty badly when it came to the liquor, as he had not drunken this much lately. It also didn't help that his Ms. B. declined his drunken offer to stop by the party. At the peak of the night's drunkeness, the DRAMA that I inadverdently caused had reached an inescapable crescendo. Adam and Cindy were faded at this time, and I had watched them engage in mild small talk, all the signs of amiable conversation. At this point, I spotted something that I knew would happen: they were re-enacting signs of lovey-dovey mushy shit, full-on cuddle/embrace mode. In my mind, the words OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT recycled endlessly. Not many people put too much attention in this, since they were all caught up in their stupors, and what was I supposed to do? I played it cool, hoping that this would not escalate into very loud WHATHEFUCK's. Hell, I had warned Adam of this earlier, and tried to make the point clear. NO HANKYPANKY, this is a casual 'friend-zone' party! Alas, my fear had come to pass, and to top it, Diana walks past them on the couch, and is still coherent enough to finally see this and says with a surly, yet reprimanding voice, "Whats THIS?"
Shiiiiiiit.
All in all, there wasn't any major hitches, Alex didn't get into any fights as he had forewarned, thank heavens. The most concern I had to express over my compatriots was towards Pat, who kept asking people to slap him. He's an odd drunk. By the time 4am rolled by, I was reasonably clear-headed, and Ron was just as sober, as he had stopped drinking at the same round as me. Jaime gave me back my keys, since Ron and I entrusted our keys to him earlier in the night. Nick and Kiel played hockey on Diana's pool table, and unfortunately Dee was at the point that she was either up or out. She was out when they were playing hockey. Alex crashed on the round chair, only to awaken with Jen and Jasmine curled in the couch with him. Much to Pat and Kiel's encouragement/dismay. The party eventually filtered out, and I over-shot my initial plan of getting home by 3am. Oh well, that's the 'party' life. Hah.
Friday may have been just another lame Friday for some, and in truth, it could have very well been one for me. Rather, my Friday was spent in an old 'past-time' that me my group of friends enjoy: REVELRY. That night was host to a party of such harrowing magnitude that has not been seen since the week-long fun-fest of this year's cabin trip. Think of it this way, the only person that WASN'T intoxicated in any way was NOLAN. That, my friends, is saying alot, as he did not even partake of the "chief" as Alex puts it (and oddly, he's the ONLY one I know who puts it that way). It started off with a few phone calls the day before, giving me word that Diana was hosting Cindy's 21st birthday at her place. Within minutes of me being told about it from the lady herself, I was semi-bombarded with queries from a couple of people about the party. I am not one to start or instigate drama, but somehow, I knew I would be in the fuckin THICK of it by attending. Lo and behold, I was the agent of such dramatics that I am somewhat regretting my actions.
Okay, Friday night, I meet up with Alex at his apartment, looking to kill some time before the scheduled 11pm party start. After a few minutes of deliberation, we could not find anything action-packed enough to sate our boredom. It seemed like our night would replay into another one of those "Fun" Fridays. Already, we're heading towards the inevitable insanity that was to come. He and I stop by Adam's place, to chill and get our slack on. We grab a six-pack of Sierra to spark the early buzz and play eighty or so games of Tekken. Before we know it, 11PM is rolling by, and it is nearly time that the party is to start. And so the quandary becomes clear: Will Adam go to Cindy's party with us? OHSHIT, that would be CRAZY. For those not in the general know, Adam and Cindy were together for quite a bit a while back. I would not say they are on the best footing with one another. The possibility is considered, and Alex and I urge Adam to attend, with the most malicious of grins on us. Essentially, we thought we could at least score some shock-value, as in, "Holy shit, Adam is here!" Instead, I chose to forego the 'surprise' guest appearance of Adam, and minded the sentiments of Diana and Cindy. I give Dee a call, asking if I could speak to Cindy. Being the 'insider' that I am, I would use my standing as being good friends of both Diana and Cindy to work the situation to our advantage. Knowing that Cindy was questioning inviting Adam in the first place, I knew that she could not refuse, on this the day of her birthday. BIMBAM, she says yes, after hesitantly asking Diana if it's ok.
SCORE! I have just bought Adam a ticket into a party we knew would be crazy. It was the beginning of the semester, parties aren't exactly abundant around here, so anything we would come across was guaranteed to be unique in it's own way.
And so it was. Although I stopped at around "Round 2," I remember that the others got to at least "Round 5." Diana's balcony was once again home to the smokers of the party, which comprised of more than half the kids there. Roberta and her brother Eli were there, as well as Jen, Rob, Nick, and Pat. Jaime rolled with Ron, and Jasmine & Kiel were present as well. A friend or two of Diana's made late appearances, and Nolan came right after his shift ended at work. As usual, Eli provided the veteran experience of concocting drinks, while the rest of the kids lounged about getting increasingly inebriated with each passing hour. At the height of the festivities, almost half the people at this small kick-back were lit, and all but one person was at least buzzed. For a while, Nolan and Jen went AWOL in the direction of the swings, and five of us wandered out to the park looking for those same swings. Nick was the unofficial champion of liquor drinking, as I had not seen him stop once when it came to taking shots. Kiel was quite elevated, but his liquor consumption was fairly low that night, thankfully. Alex was hit pretty badly when it came to the liquor, as he had not drunken this much lately. It also didn't help that his Ms. B. declined his drunken offer to stop by the party. At the peak of the night's drunkeness, the DRAMA that I inadverdently caused had reached an inescapable crescendo. Adam and Cindy were faded at this time, and I had watched them engage in mild small talk, all the signs of amiable conversation. At this point, I spotted something that I knew would happen: they were re-enacting signs of lovey-dovey mushy shit, full-on cuddle/embrace mode. In my mind, the words OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT recycled endlessly. Not many people put too much attention in this, since they were all caught up in their stupors, and what was I supposed to do? I played it cool, hoping that this would not escalate into very loud WHATHEFUCK's. Hell, I had warned Adam of this earlier, and tried to make the point clear. NO HANKYPANKY, this is a casual 'friend-zone' party! Alas, my fear had come to pass, and to top it, Diana walks past them on the couch, and is still coherent enough to finally see this and says with a surly, yet reprimanding voice, "Whats THIS?"
Shiiiiiiit.
All in all, there wasn't any major hitches, Alex didn't get into any fights as he had forewarned, thank heavens. The most concern I had to express over my compatriots was towards Pat, who kept asking people to slap him. He's an odd drunk. By the time 4am rolled by, I was reasonably clear-headed, and Ron was just as sober, as he had stopped drinking at the same round as me. Jaime gave me back my keys, since Ron and I entrusted our keys to him earlier in the night. Nick and Kiel played hockey on Diana's pool table, and unfortunately Dee was at the point that she was either up or out. She was out when they were playing hockey. Alex crashed on the round chair, only to awaken with Jen and Jasmine curled in the couch with him. Much to Pat and Kiel's encouragement/dismay. The party eventually filtered out, and I over-shot my initial plan of getting home by 3am. Oh well, that's the 'party' life. Hah.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
wed.feb.04. 5:04:50pm
Auditory therapy
It's been a while since I've been to a decent concert (Hieroglyphics being the last one I really went to), and it hasnt been since summer of 2002 that I actually went to a real rock concert (Warped Tour 2002). Radiostar playing at CRC doesn't really count. Ever since last summer, when I found out about bittorrent, I've sampled a ridiculously insane amount of music genres. A year ago, I wouldn't have half a fuckin clue that %90 of the music I've listened to since then even EXISTED, let alone played good music.
I don't mean to name-drop like OH-SO many "hipster" fucks like to do out in HXC, scenester "indy-land," but I think it's worth mentioning (at least to me, personally) all the bands and performers I've genuinely listened to and seriously enjoyed. And no, not the kind of "oh, I like these guys because it's what the cool kids listen to." Most of the band names the "cool kids" drop are usually lukewarm at best with me.
112
Possibly my most favored R&B group, they've come back after many years of nothing. A must-listen, considering they're GREAT sexin' music.
311
The very beginnings of all things rock for me. I first heard their debut album back in middle school, when a classmate let me borrow the CD. Seeing as how they've endured since I had my first listen, I just had to indulge myself and finally get their From Chaos album.
Aesop Rock
This man is smooth. The lyrical content, the flow patterns, the vocal delivery. One man wrecking crew of the hip-hop world. When he finally catches on with the rest of the deluded fuckers, I'll smile from ear-to-ear as mainstream is shown, "what's really good." Plus, he's white, so fuck Eminem, hahah.
Atmosphere
Another cool emcee, with more of an angsty edge about him. The only album I have of him, God Loves Ugly, deals a lot with romantic rejection and shit. Still pretty cool.
Belle & Sebastian
A scottish indy/folk rock band I keep reading about online. I decided to give them a try and downloaded a bundle of all their EPs combined. Not bad, not bad at all. The vibe coming from them is totally serene and holistic, and has a slight calming effect on me. Good enough!
Blackalicious
South Sac represent! Actually, I've known about these two for a while, it's just that I was able to get a hold of their A to Z EP recently. Gift of Gab is monstrously great.
The Blood Brothers
Gah, I actually have "Rey" to thank for once in my life. I mean, I respect him, but not hanging all over his nuts like the majority tends to do. But whatever, moving on! This band is crazy. Like some kind of primal scream music, where I'm enthralled for an unexplained reason. It's hard to find their music on the net, as I believe that their quite "underground" that rarely will anyone have a complete discography. Which explains why my compilation is highly incomplete. From what I've heard so far, Burn, Piano Island, Burn and March On! Electric Children rock me hard. "Siamese Gun," and "Cecilia and the Silhouette Saloon" are tracks I find myself singing to uncontrollably.
Brand New
Oh shit, this is THE band. Not quite "underground," not quite "mainstream," this is the sound that made me love punk rock again. Deja Entendu is a solid album, but it's Your Favorite Weapon that got me hooked. I'm just missing one song from their Safety In Numbers split LP. "Mix Tape" is actually starting to sound awesome to me lately.
The Clash
I suck, but they DEFINITELY do not. I think you deserve to kick me in the face for being a true punk-rock poseur by not having listened to The Clash earlier.
Cursive
I liked Domestica most, and generally a hodgepodge of selections from Ugly Organ, Storms of Early Summer, Such Blinding Stars for Starving Eyes, and Burst and Bloom. Have yet to fully hear The Disruption EP and the 8 Teeth to Eat You split LP. This Saddle Creek band has probably been the mainstay of my playlist ever since I caught on to them via Ryan of defuser, whereas I will generally burn a CD or send my iPod and wipe its presence from my hard drive. "The Night I Lost the Will to Fight" and "Art Is Hard" are particular favorites. I titled an English 301 essay after the song "The Game of Who Needs Who the Worst." Heh. I'm not particularly fond of their Saddle Creek counterpart, Bright Eyes, though. I don't really see what other people like about them. That voice, man, that voice. I'd rather listen to a bitch-made crooner like Chris Carraba than Conor Oberst. Personal pref, don't hate.
Dead Prez
I want to be a militant black panther because of their Let's Get Free album. Too late now, I should have bought this album years ago.
Death Cab For Cutie
Whoa. So I said I couldn't stand Bright Eyes' vocals, but somehow Death Cab's vocalist gets to me in a good way. Which explains why I dig The Postal Service as well. From their latest album, I like "Passenger Seat" most, for personal reaons.
Death Cab's other albums are really good as well, and I'm especially liking the sound of You Can Play These Songs With Chords!
The December Drive
Actually, they kind of suck. I like one track O.K., but the rest doesn't jibe well with me (yes, I said JIBE). Well, it's not as bad as listening to Against Me! and that new album As The Eternal Cowboy. That was weird, Jaime even attests to it. Unless I downloaded the wrong album...? But yeah, December Drive is pretty whack, but still a lesson in music sampling.
Deltron3030
I'm slow on music, and I hate myself for never grasping the greatness of this album. I need to upgrade my grey matter.
Electric Six
Where have you been all my life? These guys are crazy-badass. All their songs are highly danceable, like the disco version of Hot Hot Heat. VERY good. Their album Fire is the hotness to the max. I'm glad this kid, Devin, mentioned them. And I think they're playing at COACHELLA!$*#. HOTDAMN!*%@
God Speed You! Black Emperor
Another great blend of rock stylings and another music genre. Something like an experimental fusion of symphonic sound with that "indy" rock edge. And there's no vocals, so it's perfect soundtrack music for meditation and shit. GENIUS. There are more albums in their repertoire, but I was only able to listen to Yanqui U.X.O. I have no idea what the album title even means. I think Bobby recommended this band once. Danke!
GORILLAZ
Old school, I know, but I was finally able to listen to their whole album. M1-A1!
HIM
His Infernal Majesty, a cool Finnish rock band. They've got this hard rock sound to them, but in fact, their album Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights is really about sappy love. Which is good. Their symbol is the heartagram, a great perversion of the pentagram. Their kind of music is dubbed, "Love Metal." Hah, awesome. These guys are great, reminds me of 80's hair bands and their monster ballads.
Hot Hot Heat
HHH is RADNESS in a paper-bag. Retarded analogy aside, the band is great. The lead vocal, Steve Bays, rocks the keyboard like no ones business. "Talk To Me, Dance With Me," is the FUCKIN song. If I could, I would not hesitate to seduce "Ms. B" with this song. Alex knows who I'm referring to. This artista chick, Elysse caught me onto them, despite the fact I would have heard about them on the radio and tv anyway.
Incubus
I've been a more serious fan ever since their Morning View tour came to my town (and I scored two free tickets) and they rocked the fuck out of that arena. I never knew the intensity of "Circles" and "Privilege" could cause the pit to transform into a human wave of gyrating bodies. At the Pennywise show during Warped Tour 2001, I was literally lifted off the ground for a mere second or so, but during this concert I SWEAR I didnt feel the floor for at least 2 minutes. That was rad. I consider "Drive" to be one of my favorite songs ever. A Crow Left To The Murder is sounding really good, too, and I'm glad I was able to get it the night before it was officially released. A megalomaniac is one psychopathologically afflicted with delusions of grandeur and omnipotence.
Interpol
Another great band debuting with a major release album. I had heard of them before, but as usual, had no idea what their sound was like. Now that I've heard it, I love it. It's mellow with tracks like "Untitled and "NYC," but doesn't hesitate to break your neck with "Say Hello To Angels" and "Roland." They've been around the scene, but I was far too ignorant of the music in those days to have been able to embrace this.
Jay-Z
Greatest rapper alive, eh? The point can be argued until the Annunaki come, but the point that is irrefutable is that The Black Album is fucking grand. He pulled out all the stops and went out with the perfect bang. Aside from singles, "Change Clothes" and "The Threat," I truly dig "Lucifer" and "My Name Is Hov."
Ludacris
What happened, maaaannn? You were doing great with Back For The First Time and Word Of Mouf... and then you drop this? Aside from "Stand Up," the only other track that I would find worthy of bumpin in my g-ride is "Hip Hop Quotables." Chicken and Beer is a weak album, nowhere near the sheer bumpnitude of Word of Mouf. For shame.
Mad Capsule Markets
I will make a movie and use their music as the soundtrack to my action sequences. It's going to be instupituous.
The Mars Volta
More rock goodness. The boys of At The Drive In split and would later form two new bands, Spart and this. I remember when Alex first bought their latest CD, De-Loused In A Comatorium, and he bumped it pretty loud in his apartment when we got back. The feel of their sound was unmistakable, and I knew I had to fully enjoy this album sooner or later. Thanks to a trade of music CDs between Alex and I, I was able to swap Incubus' new album, The Postal Service, and The Strokes' Room On Fire for this CD, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and a compilation cd called OM Lounge 8. Pretty fair fuckin trade. ROCK.
Muse
Another great find thanks to Elysse. At first, I thought, "Oh, another one of those bands," where I categorized them as some kind of indy rock band with lead vocals that sound whiny. After running through Absolution, I retracted that assumption, because to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME. Mostly me. I didn't hesitate to get a hold of their older albums, Showbiz and Origin of Symmetry when I had a chance.
OutKast
Ahhh shit. The fiery hotness, or rather, the ice coolness, of this duo is unmatched. THE BEST of southern stylistic cadillac playa rap, because it is more than evident that everything else sucks donkey balls (Ludacris exempt). Loved ATLiens; adored Stankonia; Speakerboxxx/The Love Below is the best double-CD delivery EVER. I want to one day do a rock cover of "Hey Ya!"
Phantom Planet
Just got a hold of this CD today, and it's sounding good to my ears. Not groundbreaking or anything, but it's still passes the test of buzzworthiness. Although I've never fully listened to their last one, The Guest; "California" was a well-received mainstream hit.
Placebo
One of the best bands to ever grace my humble ears. I have no idea how I heard about them, but I would thank whoever exposed me to this band endlessly if I could. After listening to them (as well as most of the other bands mentioned), I formally denounce The Used. Because they suck. Must find Black Market Music and their first, self-titled album. "Bulletproof Cupid" and "Second Sight" are the shit.
The Postal Service
If you've heard of them, then you should already know how great this collaborative duo are. If you haven't, you fucking better go to the goddamned record store and check this shit out. Think electronica, but with Death Cab For Cutie's vocals. Which it is. And it Rocks, capital "R." The beats are infectious, the vox permeates the groove, and voila, instant rock-your-face. "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight," "Such Great Heights" completely defines the validity of this albums ownage. The best part is that it's like listening to old school NES game music. Shitchyeah. Reminds me of Elkland, too. +++
The Strokes
FUCKFUCKFUCK. I <3 this band. Is This It? was great, Room On Fire expands on that same principle. I didn't even realize that I was jammin to this album a full month before it was even released. Thank you, bittorrent. The whole album is pure goldengoldengolden.
The Sex Pistols
More punk rock goodness. Between this and The Clash, I feel like laying waste to my previous punk rock musical tastes. Fuck Blink182, Sum41, Allister, The Starting Line, A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, etc.
The White Stripes
Elephant is a rad album. The music is catchy, the lyrics engaging, and the overall vibe is great. The cool thing is that I can easily learn just about any song on that album, since it's so simple and effective. I've got "Seven Nation Army" and "The Hardest Button To Button" nearly understood, ready to rock & roll.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Another big thanks to Alex for letting me borrow this CD. Just by listening to their latest album, Fever To Tell, I can already say that I like this band a lot. Like other punk bands out there with female lead vocalists, this band does not dissappoint. They make me miss the good old days of Tsunami Bomb and Lucky Strike.
Hopefully, I'll be able to fully sample the sounds of Every Time I Die, Story Of The Year (maybe), The Pixies (I better!), The Shins, Boys Night Out, Aceyalone, Snow Patrol, The Darkness, Ladytron, and whatever albums or bands I've already mentioned.
Auditory therapy
It's been a while since I've been to a decent concert (Hieroglyphics being the last one I really went to), and it hasnt been since summer of 2002 that I actually went to a real rock concert (Warped Tour 2002). Radiostar playing at CRC doesn't really count. Ever since last summer, when I found out about bittorrent, I've sampled a ridiculously insane amount of music genres. A year ago, I wouldn't have half a fuckin clue that %90 of the music I've listened to since then even EXISTED, let alone played good music.
I don't mean to name-drop like OH-SO many "hipster" fucks like to do out in HXC, scenester "indy-land," but I think it's worth mentioning (at least to me, personally) all the bands and performers I've genuinely listened to and seriously enjoyed. And no, not the kind of "oh, I like these guys because it's what the cool kids listen to." Most of the band names the "cool kids" drop are usually lukewarm at best with me.
112
Possibly my most favored R&B group, they've come back after many years of nothing. A must-listen, considering they're GREAT sexin' music.
311
The very beginnings of all things rock for me. I first heard their debut album back in middle school, when a classmate let me borrow the CD. Seeing as how they've endured since I had my first listen, I just had to indulge myself and finally get their From Chaos album.
Aesop Rock
This man is smooth. The lyrical content, the flow patterns, the vocal delivery. One man wrecking crew of the hip-hop world. When he finally catches on with the rest of the deluded fuckers, I'll smile from ear-to-ear as mainstream is shown, "what's really good." Plus, he's white, so fuck Eminem, hahah.
Atmosphere
Another cool emcee, with more of an angsty edge about him. The only album I have of him, God Loves Ugly, deals a lot with romantic rejection and shit. Still pretty cool.
Belle & Sebastian
A scottish indy/folk rock band I keep reading about online. I decided to give them a try and downloaded a bundle of all their EPs combined. Not bad, not bad at all. The vibe coming from them is totally serene and holistic, and has a slight calming effect on me. Good enough!
Blackalicious
South Sac represent! Actually, I've known about these two for a while, it's just that I was able to get a hold of their A to Z EP recently. Gift of Gab is monstrously great.
The Blood Brothers
Gah, I actually have "Rey" to thank for once in my life. I mean, I respect him, but not hanging all over his nuts like the majority tends to do. But whatever, moving on! This band is crazy. Like some kind of primal scream music, where I'm enthralled for an unexplained reason. It's hard to find their music on the net, as I believe that their quite "underground" that rarely will anyone have a complete discography. Which explains why my compilation is highly incomplete. From what I've heard so far, Burn, Piano Island, Burn and March On! Electric Children rock me hard. "Siamese Gun," and "Cecilia and the Silhouette Saloon" are tracks I find myself singing to uncontrollably.
Brand New
Oh shit, this is THE band. Not quite "underground," not quite "mainstream," this is the sound that made me love punk rock again. Deja Entendu is a solid album, but it's Your Favorite Weapon that got me hooked. I'm just missing one song from their Safety In Numbers split LP. "Mix Tape" is actually starting to sound awesome to me lately.
The Clash
I suck, but they DEFINITELY do not. I think you deserve to kick me in the face for being a true punk-rock poseur by not having listened to The Clash earlier.
Cursive
I liked Domestica most, and generally a hodgepodge of selections from Ugly Organ, Storms of Early Summer, Such Blinding Stars for Starving Eyes, and Burst and Bloom. Have yet to fully hear The Disruption EP and the 8 Teeth to Eat You split LP. This Saddle Creek band has probably been the mainstay of my playlist ever since I caught on to them via Ryan of defuser, whereas I will generally burn a CD or send my iPod and wipe its presence from my hard drive. "The Night I Lost the Will to Fight" and "Art Is Hard" are particular favorites. I titled an English 301 essay after the song "The Game of Who Needs Who the Worst." Heh. I'm not particularly fond of their Saddle Creek counterpart, Bright Eyes, though. I don't really see what other people like about them. That voice, man, that voice. I'd rather listen to a bitch-made crooner like Chris Carraba than Conor Oberst. Personal pref, don't hate.
Dead Prez
I want to be a militant black panther because of their Let's Get Free album. Too late now, I should have bought this album years ago.
Death Cab For Cutie
Whoa. So I said I couldn't stand Bright Eyes' vocals, but somehow Death Cab's vocalist gets to me in a good way. Which explains why I dig The Postal Service as well. From their latest album, I like "Passenger Seat" most, for personal reaons.
Death Cab's other albums are really good as well, and I'm especially liking the sound of You Can Play These Songs With Chords!
The December Drive
Actually, they kind of suck. I like one track O.K., but the rest doesn't jibe well with me (yes, I said JIBE). Well, it's not as bad as listening to Against Me! and that new album As The Eternal Cowboy. That was weird, Jaime even attests to it. Unless I downloaded the wrong album...? But yeah, December Drive is pretty whack, but still a lesson in music sampling.
Deltron3030
I'm slow on music, and I hate myself for never grasping the greatness of this album. I need to upgrade my grey matter.
Electric Six
Where have you been all my life? These guys are crazy-badass. All their songs are highly danceable, like the disco version of Hot Hot Heat. VERY good. Their album Fire is the hotness to the max. I'm glad this kid, Devin, mentioned them. And I think they're playing at COACHELLA!$*#. HOTDAMN!*%@
God Speed You! Black Emperor
Another great blend of rock stylings and another music genre. Something like an experimental fusion of symphonic sound with that "indy" rock edge. And there's no vocals, so it's perfect soundtrack music for meditation and shit. GENIUS. There are more albums in their repertoire, but I was only able to listen to Yanqui U.X.O. I have no idea what the album title even means. I think Bobby recommended this band once. Danke!
GORILLAZ
Old school, I know, but I was finally able to listen to their whole album. M1-A1!
HIM
His Infernal Majesty, a cool Finnish rock band. They've got this hard rock sound to them, but in fact, their album Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights is really about sappy love. Which is good. Their symbol is the heartagram, a great perversion of the pentagram. Their kind of music is dubbed, "Love Metal." Hah, awesome. These guys are great, reminds me of 80's hair bands and their monster ballads.
Hot Hot Heat
HHH is RADNESS in a paper-bag. Retarded analogy aside, the band is great. The lead vocal, Steve Bays, rocks the keyboard like no ones business. "Talk To Me, Dance With Me," is the FUCKIN song. If I could, I would not hesitate to seduce "Ms. B" with this song. Alex knows who I'm referring to. This artista chick, Elysse caught me onto them, despite the fact I would have heard about them on the radio and tv anyway.
Incubus
I've been a more serious fan ever since their Morning View tour came to my town (and I scored two free tickets) and they rocked the fuck out of that arena. I never knew the intensity of "Circles" and "Privilege" could cause the pit to transform into a human wave of gyrating bodies. At the Pennywise show during Warped Tour 2001, I was literally lifted off the ground for a mere second or so, but during this concert I SWEAR I didnt feel the floor for at least 2 minutes. That was rad. I consider "Drive" to be one of my favorite songs ever. A Crow Left To The Murder is sounding really good, too, and I'm glad I was able to get it the night before it was officially released. A megalomaniac is one psychopathologically afflicted with delusions of grandeur and omnipotence.
Interpol
Another great band debuting with a major release album. I had heard of them before, but as usual, had no idea what their sound was like. Now that I've heard it, I love it. It's mellow with tracks like "Untitled and "NYC," but doesn't hesitate to break your neck with "Say Hello To Angels" and "Roland." They've been around the scene, but I was far too ignorant of the music in those days to have been able to embrace this.
Jay-Z
Greatest rapper alive, eh? The point can be argued until the Annunaki come, but the point that is irrefutable is that The Black Album is fucking grand. He pulled out all the stops and went out with the perfect bang. Aside from singles, "Change Clothes" and "The Threat," I truly dig "Lucifer" and "My Name Is Hov."
Ludacris
What happened, maaaannn? You were doing great with Back For The First Time and Word Of Mouf... and then you drop this? Aside from "Stand Up," the only other track that I would find worthy of bumpin in my g-ride is "Hip Hop Quotables." Chicken and Beer is a weak album, nowhere near the sheer bumpnitude of Word of Mouf. For shame.
Mad Capsule Markets
I will make a movie and use their music as the soundtrack to my action sequences. It's going to be instupituous.
The Mars Volta
More rock goodness. The boys of At The Drive In split and would later form two new bands, Spart and this. I remember when Alex first bought their latest CD, De-Loused In A Comatorium, and he bumped it pretty loud in his apartment when we got back. The feel of their sound was unmistakable, and I knew I had to fully enjoy this album sooner or later. Thanks to a trade of music CDs between Alex and I, I was able to swap Incubus' new album, The Postal Service, and The Strokes' Room On Fire for this CD, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and a compilation cd called OM Lounge 8. Pretty fair fuckin trade. ROCK.
Muse
Another great find thanks to Elysse. At first, I thought, "Oh, another one of those bands," where I categorized them as some kind of indy rock band with lead vocals that sound whiny. After running through Absolution, I retracted that assumption, because to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME. Mostly me. I didn't hesitate to get a hold of their older albums, Showbiz and Origin of Symmetry when I had a chance.
OutKast
Ahhh shit. The fiery hotness, or rather, the ice coolness, of this duo is unmatched. THE BEST of southern stylistic cadillac playa rap, because it is more than evident that everything else sucks donkey balls (Ludacris exempt). Loved ATLiens; adored Stankonia; Speakerboxxx/The Love Below is the best double-CD delivery EVER. I want to one day do a rock cover of "Hey Ya!"
Phantom Planet
Just got a hold of this CD today, and it's sounding good to my ears. Not groundbreaking or anything, but it's still passes the test of buzzworthiness. Although I've never fully listened to their last one, The Guest; "California" was a well-received mainstream hit.
Placebo
One of the best bands to ever grace my humble ears. I have no idea how I heard about them, but I would thank whoever exposed me to this band endlessly if I could. After listening to them (as well as most of the other bands mentioned), I formally denounce The Used. Because they suck. Must find Black Market Music and their first, self-titled album. "Bulletproof Cupid" and "Second Sight" are the shit.
The Postal Service
If you've heard of them, then you should already know how great this collaborative duo are. If you haven't, you fucking better go to the goddamned record store and check this shit out. Think electronica, but with Death Cab For Cutie's vocals. Which it is. And it Rocks, capital "R." The beats are infectious, the vox permeates the groove, and voila, instant rock-your-face. "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight," "Such Great Heights" completely defines the validity of this albums ownage. The best part is that it's like listening to old school NES game music. Shitchyeah. Reminds me of Elkland, too. +++
The Strokes
FUCKFUCKFUCK. I <3 this band. Is This It? was great, Room On Fire expands on that same principle. I didn't even realize that I was jammin to this album a full month before it was even released. Thank you, bittorrent. The whole album is pure goldengoldengolden.
The Sex Pistols
More punk rock goodness. Between this and The Clash, I feel like laying waste to my previous punk rock musical tastes. Fuck Blink182, Sum41, Allister, The Starting Line, A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, etc.
The White Stripes
Elephant is a rad album. The music is catchy, the lyrics engaging, and the overall vibe is great. The cool thing is that I can easily learn just about any song on that album, since it's so simple and effective. I've got "Seven Nation Army" and "The Hardest Button To Button" nearly understood, ready to rock & roll.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Another big thanks to Alex for letting me borrow this CD. Just by listening to their latest album, Fever To Tell, I can already say that I like this band a lot. Like other punk bands out there with female lead vocalists, this band does not dissappoint. They make me miss the good old days of Tsunami Bomb and Lucky Strike.
Hopefully, I'll be able to fully sample the sounds of Every Time I Die, Story Of The Year (maybe), The Pixies (I better!), The Shins, Boys Night Out, Aceyalone, Snow Patrol, The Darkness, Ladytron, and whatever albums or bands I've already mentioned.
Prepostericity prolongated
Fortunately, no more random calls came in today, and ESPECIALLY not from Claudia, thank the deities. Instead, the night degenerated into something of a replay of the other Friday, where we were in desperate need of something fun to do. The "KidD" dropped by eventually, and we chilled like it was 93 til as usual. The usual rabble and conversation were juggled, from the eternal struggles of man with womankind to postulating future events to be experienced. The looming shadow of SDCC is starting to envelop our mind states.
After a visit to Borders, we searched out and kidnapped Jaime as he was walking home. We dropped by Hollywood video to see old boy Nolan. Renee was there, which was another random appearance of unexpected people into my day. Jaime rented some obscure movies, and we proceeded over to the Taco Bell nearby for some grub after some intense deliberation. The night was capped by a routine visit to Jen's house, where Rob, Nick, and Pat were hanging out waiting for Jen to get home.
All in all, this ridiculously "random" day of odd phone calls actually transformed into the same kind of nights we had back in the summer: cruise around, hang out at Jen's.
You can say it was a 'respark' of days past in days present. Hot shit.
postscript: I'm highly incensed now by the prospect of going to Coachella in May and the Atmosphere/Eyedea concert this Friday. ROCK!
postPOSTscript: Not to mention going to this rave/party being thrown by my friend Nick called Squareone on Ryan's birthday. ROLL!
Fortunately, no more random calls came in today, and ESPECIALLY not from Claudia, thank the deities. Instead, the night degenerated into something of a replay of the other Friday, where we were in desperate need of something fun to do. The "KidD" dropped by eventually, and we chilled like it was 93 til as usual. The usual rabble and conversation were juggled, from the eternal struggles of man with womankind to postulating future events to be experienced. The looming shadow of SDCC is starting to envelop our mind states.
After a visit to Borders, we searched out and kidnapped Jaime as he was walking home. We dropped by Hollywood video to see old boy Nolan. Renee was there, which was another random appearance of unexpected people into my day. Jaime rented some obscure movies, and we proceeded over to the Taco Bell nearby for some grub after some intense deliberation. The night was capped by a routine visit to Jen's house, where Rob, Nick, and Pat were hanging out waiting for Jen to get home.
All in all, this ridiculously "random" day of odd phone calls actually transformed into the same kind of nights we had back in the summer: cruise around, hang out at Jen's.
You can say it was a 'respark' of days past in days present. Hot shit.
postscript: I'm highly incensed now by the prospect of going to Coachella in May and the Atmosphere/Eyedea concert this Friday. ROCK!
postPOSTscript: Not to mention going to this rave/party being thrown by my friend Nick called Squareone on Ryan's birthday. ROLL!
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Prepostericity
This is unprecedented. I've gotten an unexpected amount of calls today, from sources that are the least likely to ever call me for anything important. For one, Jaime called me this morning around 11am, because I had left an away message up after I got back from dropping off the little sister to school. It said something about waking me up at 10am, and obviously Jaime failed at the task, but he at least tried. I was finally awake enough to get out of bed thanks to him, and headed to school a bit late.
After class, I checked my phone to see that I had a missed call during class. Usually, I could expect a call from Cheryl over something trivial but THIS was something else entirely. It was a missed call from Diana... I called her up, and we had a short catch-up conversation while I drove back home to grab something. After my last class, I dropped by her place to give her a copy of Incubus' new cd "A Crow Left To The Murder" and hung out with her for a couple of minutes.
Later, my cousin Geno called me up to tell me he's dropping by to borrow my guitar class textbook, and probably roll out with him to the Guitar Center.
Then, Alex the Kidd gives a random call to me, asking to kick-it.
Hot damn, is this "Get Social" Tuesday or something? Geeze, my week is barely half-way over, whats with everyone wanting to chill so suddenly?
Feh, what next, a call from Claudia? As if I didn't earn that surprise during the cabin trip, hah.
This is unprecedented. I've gotten an unexpected amount of calls today, from sources that are the least likely to ever call me for anything important. For one, Jaime called me this morning around 11am, because I had left an away message up after I got back from dropping off the little sister to school. It said something about waking me up at 10am, and obviously Jaime failed at the task, but he at least tried. I was finally awake enough to get out of bed thanks to him, and headed to school a bit late.
After class, I checked my phone to see that I had a missed call during class. Usually, I could expect a call from Cheryl over something trivial but THIS was something else entirely. It was a missed call from Diana... I called her up, and we had a short catch-up conversation while I drove back home to grab something. After my last class, I dropped by her place to give her a copy of Incubus' new cd "A Crow Left To The Murder" and hung out with her for a couple of minutes.
Later, my cousin Geno called me up to tell me he's dropping by to borrow my guitar class textbook, and probably roll out with him to the Guitar Center.
Then, Alex the Kidd gives a random call to me, asking to kick-it.
Hot damn, is this "Get Social" Tuesday or something? Geeze, my week is barely half-way over, whats with everyone wanting to chill so suddenly?
Feh, what next, a call from Claudia? As if I didn't earn that surprise during the cabin trip, hah.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Fuck Maslow
I've come to realize that the sum worth of my life can be defined in five or so cycles of activity.
1) The process of sleep and rest
2) The modes of eating, digesting, and excretion
3) The constant, romantic struggle with women and sexual urges
4) Daily usage of digital information via the world wide web
5) Drawing shit.
So there you go, fuck your principles of self-esteem, security, social acceptance and self-actualization, Abe. And tell Sigmund to suck my dick, he'd probably get a real kick out of that, eh?
I've come to realize that the sum worth of my life can be defined in five or so cycles of activity.
1) The process of sleep and rest
2) The modes of eating, digesting, and excretion
3) The constant, romantic struggle with women and sexual urges
4) Daily usage of digital information via the world wide web
5) Drawing shit.
So there you go, fuck your principles of self-esteem, security, social acceptance and self-actualization, Abe. And tell Sigmund to suck my dick, he'd probably get a real kick out of that, eh?
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Yesterday, my communications studies class took a slight, pleasant turn in my favor, but for naught. I was fortunate enough to get grouped up with three other classmates in the back area where I sat, one of whom is this really cute girl in the class. Everything was going fine, and we were about to finish preparing a group presentation for wednesday. However, the instructor had the genius decision to whisk me away from the group, only to group me with two of these white guys sitting in front of me, who did not meet the requirements of grouping together. If you were to hear me speak that last sentence, you could probably sense the minute level of derision I add to the enunciation of said classmates I was unfortunately grouped with in the end. My luck runs out once more.
Fuck, I finally got my Transformers Season 1 DVDs back. Now, who ever has my Transformers Season 2 part 1, "The Returner," and "Equilibrium," please, feel free to return those DVDs sometime before I die, ya?
And, yeah, I had this 'vow' to 'quit' smoking until such time that I might somehow defeat the addiction daemon, but have decided to hold that off. One, this 'vow' was made out of respect and the sake of a friendship, which I'm starting to lose sight of. Meaning, I am once again depreciating the value of a relationship I once held dear (d'oh). And two, I figured I'll just move the improbable task of quitting smoking into a different, more manageable timeframe. Lent. 40 days and 40 nights. If I can willingly abstain from masturbation for three months (which I've done in the past. Twice.), a month and 10 days without smoking should be a breeze, right? Maybe I'll try and include alchohol consumption into the mix AND sex. HAH.
And, yeah, I had this 'vow' to 'quit' smoking until such time that I might somehow defeat the addiction daemon, but have decided to hold that off. One, this 'vow' was made out of respect and the sake of a friendship, which I'm starting to lose sight of. Meaning, I am once again depreciating the value of a relationship I once held dear (d'oh). And two, I figured I'll just move the improbable task of quitting smoking into a different, more manageable timeframe. Lent. 40 days and 40 nights. If I can willingly abstain from masturbation for three months (which I've done in the past. Twice.), a month and 10 days without smoking should be a breeze, right? Maybe I'll try and include alchohol consumption into the mix AND sex. HAH.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Friday, January 23, 2004
Yeahhh. I had a total of 2 hours sleep last night, thanks in part to an extra long session of Jedi Academy. Those Dark Jedi had me craving for rematches and flawless duels. At around 11:30am or so, I was going through mild symptoms of disorientation, and my peripheral vision started to 'wiggle' to a very disturbing degree. It was cool and not-cool at the same time. I'm still kind of feeling weird as I type this, like things are real and not real at the same time. Like I'm in the Matrix and somehow I feel like there's something wrong with the world? I dunno, its odd. I attribute it to the abundance of Jedi Academy I've been playing, like when I activate Force Speed and the world kind of stretches like in The Fast and The Furious. Something like that.
Ok, so classes are coo, but books are KILLER. I can barely find my textbooks online. But it's coo, there's a very healthy amount of cute girls surrounding me in just about each class, which is great. And now I lost sense of what my point was. Bah.
Ok, so classes are coo, but books are KILLER. I can barely find my textbooks online. But it's coo, there's a very healthy amount of cute girls surrounding me in just about each class, which is great. And now I lost sense of what my point was. Bah.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Once again
I've said this quite a few times in the past, buuuuuuutttt...I've been blogging way too often lately. GAWD, the volume of thoughts I've transcribed on here is near-retarded. I should be drawing or something. EH. I've just set this silly little slacker goal/limit to my artistic productivity which goes something like, "I can't really get back to drawing [comics] until I buy more art supplies. This 50 lbs paper isn't working for me, I need to get a hold of either A) heavier quality paper, or B) bristol pads." Thats a really lame excuse. I don't even know the principles behind 50, 65, 70 lbs paper quality. I remember my friend Terence once explained it, but I'm a dumbass whose memory is completely fucked most of the time.
On a less-heavy note, Dewon had me rolling in laughter today. Ah, I've forgotten how ingeniously funny he is. Hopefully Henry throws a party in which we can all hang out like the good old days of highschool; I miss that crowd of friends.
I got lost today, like a common freshman. I walked into a class I partially believed was mine, because I didnt print up or write down my entire class schedule. I was bewildered; I fooled myself into believing the Comm Studies class I walked into was the one that was on my schedule, and that the original professor I thought I had was replaced. The room was crowded, and I stood in the back of the room with a couple other late-comers. I had hoped this professor had gone through the role-call, in hopes that I could clarify whether I was enrolled in it or not. Instead, the professor was instituting this "introduce yourself" exercise. I had the idea that I'd wait until they come to me, when I would say something stupid like, "Hi, my name is Rodney, Rod for short and... I don't know whether I'm enrolled in this class or on the waiting list...but I'll play along with this game anyways." I eventually figured that this class was, indeed, not the one I belonged in. I think I wanted to stay in that class to pull off this stunt just because there were a couple of really cute girls in there. Oh well, my other Comm Studies classes have plenty of girls in there for me to impress with my dashing good looks and rapier wit. Bah.
I've said this quite a few times in the past, buuuuuuutttt...I've been blogging way too often lately. GAWD, the volume of thoughts I've transcribed on here is near-retarded. I should be drawing or something. EH. I've just set this silly little slacker goal/limit to my artistic productivity which goes something like, "I can't really get back to drawing [comics] until I buy more art supplies. This 50 lbs paper isn't working for me, I need to get a hold of either A) heavier quality paper, or B) bristol pads." Thats a really lame excuse. I don't even know the principles behind 50, 65, 70 lbs paper quality. I remember my friend Terence once explained it, but I'm a dumbass whose memory is completely fucked most of the time.
On a less-heavy note, Dewon had me rolling in laughter today. Ah, I've forgotten how ingeniously funny he is. Hopefully Henry throws a party in which we can all hang out like the good old days of highschool; I miss that crowd of friends.
I got lost today, like a common freshman. I walked into a class I partially believed was mine, because I didnt print up or write down my entire class schedule. I was bewildered; I fooled myself into believing the Comm Studies class I walked into was the one that was on my schedule, and that the original professor I thought I had was replaced. The room was crowded, and I stood in the back of the room with a couple other late-comers. I had hoped this professor had gone through the role-call, in hopes that I could clarify whether I was enrolled in it or not. Instead, the professor was instituting this "introduce yourself" exercise. I had the idea that I'd wait until they come to me, when I would say something stupid like, "Hi, my name is Rodney, Rod for short and... I don't know whether I'm enrolled in this class or on the waiting list...but I'll play along with this game anyways." I eventually figured that this class was, indeed, not the one I belonged in. I think I wanted to stay in that class to pull off this stunt just because there were a couple of really cute girls in there. Oh well, my other Comm Studies classes have plenty of girls in there for me to impress with my dashing good looks and rapier wit. Bah.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
OMGOMGOMGOMG
Great Scott, I saw HER today. Not the, "Her" as in Claudia, no no no, this is a far greater reference to HER, the ultimate HER. In comparison, Claudia fuckin' PALES in retrospect to HER. SHE is the tantamount definition of "out of my league," where I admit that I have a straight man's chance in a lesbian heaven to even get close enough to feel the awesomeness of HER very aura. For a minute, I had feared SHE had completely forgotten me, as I sat there oh-so obviously stunned by HER appearance. I rarely (as in once in a semester, if I'm lucky) ever see HER, so this was a surprise that had me briefly elated. She's the dream-girl, the destroyer of confidence, hell, my mind is on this retarded loop mode, where all I'm thinking about right now is every aspect of HER. SHE's, by leaps and bounds, more beautiful than any girl I personally know in this whole wide world, plus SHE's an artist to boot. I'm nearing the one-month mark with all the thing's I've abstained from, but all I want to do is betray my willpower and vent because of HER. Perfect smile, eyes, body, personality, smile, sense of style, smile, voice, smile GAHHHHH. The unattainable Aphrodite of my desires. Her name is Natalee.
Great Scott, I saw HER today. Not the, "Her" as in Claudia, no no no, this is a far greater reference to HER, the ultimate HER. In comparison, Claudia fuckin' PALES in retrospect to HER. SHE is the tantamount definition of "out of my league," where I admit that I have a straight man's chance in a lesbian heaven to even get close enough to feel the awesomeness of HER very aura. For a minute, I had feared SHE had completely forgotten me, as I sat there oh-so obviously stunned by HER appearance. I rarely (as in once in a semester, if I'm lucky) ever see HER, so this was a surprise that had me briefly elated. She's the dream-girl, the destroyer of confidence, hell, my mind is on this retarded loop mode, where all I'm thinking about right now is every aspect of HER. SHE's, by leaps and bounds, more beautiful than any girl I personally know in this whole wide world, plus SHE's an artist to boot. I'm nearing the one-month mark with all the thing's I've abstained from, but all I want to do is betray my willpower and vent because of HER. Perfect smile, eyes, body, personality, smile, sense of style, smile, voice, smile GAHHHHH. The unattainable Aphrodite of my desires. Her name is Natalee.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Taken from various Livejournal entries I frequent.
10 questions: Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles.
The Clash
1. Are you male or female?:
Ivan Meets G.I. Joe
2. Describe yourself:
Ghetto Defendant
3. How do some people feel about you?:
Somebody Got Murdered
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
Should I Stay or Should I Go
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
Groovy Times
6. Where would you rather be?:
Lost In The Supermarket
7. Describe what you want to be:
Clash City Rockers
8. Describe how you live:
Complete Control
9. Describe how you love:
Rock The Casbah
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
I'm So Bored With The USA
10 questions: Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles.
The Clash
1. Are you male or female?:
Ivan Meets G.I. Joe
2. Describe yourself:
Ghetto Defendant
3. How do some people feel about you?:
Somebody Got Murdered
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
Should I Stay or Should I Go
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
Groovy Times
6. Where would you rather be?:
Lost In The Supermarket
7. Describe what you want to be:
Clash City Rockers
8. Describe how you live:
Complete Control
9. Describe how you love:
Rock The Casbah
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
I'm So Bored With The USA
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Man, oh man. It's only the first month of this year, but it feels like I've drained myself of all the energy I'd need to have a year's worth of partying and having fun. This weekend has been pretty wild, like it's been a glimpse into what the next few years will turn out to be. AND IT LOOKS GOOD. Friday was a kick-back/party at Geno's, celebrating his 21st. Food, Drinks, Soul Calibur. It was a grand. And now, the question has been thrown into the air by my cousins, "Hey Rodney, you're the next to turn 21." Oh snap, I am.
Saturday, it was a jam-packed day, where I hopped from one party/kick-back to the next, and I barely saw sleep (or home, for that matter) for an age. After leaving some mundane semi-family party, I headed over to the Gali's for a bbq/kickback. The usual suspects were there, plus Alex, Patrick, Jon, Van, and Roberta. La vie du plaisir, je parle. From shootin the breeze, seeing the compiled set of pictures from the cabin, jammin, and just chillin oldschool in the front yard. The night was still young.
After the bbq, I headed back to Geno's, where the greatest part of the weekend would go down. There was barely anyone there at first, but slowly and surely, they trickled in. After an early round of Halo, I retreated into Geno's room to jam on his electric guitar, and then some other folks wandered in. They didn't know I played guitar, so I played a little bit for them. Soon, more people crowded in, as I rocked the guitar, and Robbie picked up Geno's MIDI keyboard, and even Geno grabbed his flute/recorder to join in. We played for nearly an hour, composing some cool beats, accompanied by power chords and a flute tune. The entire time, someone would attempt a freestyle flow, which made the moment feel like true hip-hop. We gathered an audience outside the door, watching us perform. Junior dubbed us "The Shuttlecocks." Eventually, the crowd dissipated, as they were all wondering whats next. Geno and I played some Soul Calibur until the moment of truth came to fruition.
We gathered at least 6 more people to come through, assembled 2 more TV's, and had the largest gathering of the Corpuz clan to play team Halo. It was a MARATHON; we played until 6 or so in the morning, and I didnt even go home until 10am. I'm spent. Now, back to normalcy, and hopefully, employment.
Saturday, it was a jam-packed day, where I hopped from one party/kick-back to the next, and I barely saw sleep (or home, for that matter) for an age. After leaving some mundane semi-family party, I headed over to the Gali's for a bbq/kickback. The usual suspects were there, plus Alex, Patrick, Jon, Van, and Roberta. La vie du plaisir, je parle. From shootin the breeze, seeing the compiled set of pictures from the cabin, jammin, and just chillin oldschool in the front yard. The night was still young.
After the bbq, I headed back to Geno's, where the greatest part of the weekend would go down. There was barely anyone there at first, but slowly and surely, they trickled in. After an early round of Halo, I retreated into Geno's room to jam on his electric guitar, and then some other folks wandered in. They didn't know I played guitar, so I played a little bit for them. Soon, more people crowded in, as I rocked the guitar, and Robbie picked up Geno's MIDI keyboard, and even Geno grabbed his flute/recorder to join in. We played for nearly an hour, composing some cool beats, accompanied by power chords and a flute tune. The entire time, someone would attempt a freestyle flow, which made the moment feel like true hip-hop. We gathered an audience outside the door, watching us perform. Junior dubbed us "The Shuttlecocks." Eventually, the crowd dissipated, as they were all wondering whats next. Geno and I played some Soul Calibur until the moment of truth came to fruition.
We gathered at least 6 more people to come through, assembled 2 more TV's, and had the largest gathering of the Corpuz clan to play team Halo. It was a MARATHON; we played until 6 or so in the morning, and I didnt even go home until 10am. I'm spent. Now, back to normalcy, and hopefully, employment.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
I'm on a highway to hell
Nyahaha. I got completely NOTHING done this winter break. I was supposed to get about 10 pages of a comic finished, in hopes that I can print out a mini-comic by APE. BUUUT, it doesn't look like I'll be making that dealine. Although I'm pretty fucked there, I do have some good news to report. I've turned in my introductory freelance commission, and I should be thrown about three more gigs soon. Which meansssss, I'll be paid up-front for the upcoming merc werk. At about $50 a pop, that comes out to a cool $150 in the bag. I don't know what you might be thinking, but I'm thinking: NEW WEBSITE biyatches. Once I get that moolah to the bank, and I friggin replace my lost credit card (it's been lost since I got back from SDCC), I will more than likely purchase a new domain to replace the one I lost (http://riotform.net). Whooooooos coming WITH ME??? I'll essentially be some kind of headmaster at an orphanage, because I have a duty to accomodate the former riotform kids, as well as pick up the other children who've come to me begging for shelter. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLLLL. Since I am oh so generous to my friends WHENEVER possible, I openly invite Jaime and Ron to hoard some space on here if they'd like. Yep, how would you like your own little slice of internet homepie, niggahz?
Oh, and it was Geno's birthday this past day, and we kicked it old school at his place. Several Warheadz breaking crew homies packed in his small ass room, it was great. Geno and I played Soul Calibur 2 for the longest time on his PS2, while the other cats were jammin on his MIDI piano and fiddling with Reason on his computer and freestyle flowing. 93 til, 93 til infinity.
P.S. My uncle just handed me a flyer about an open position for student assistants at the DOJ, upon my request a while ago. Hopefully I'll be able to land that job and/or keep the FTB spot. That would ROCK. But then again, getting the DOJ job might fuck up my school schedule royale with cheese. Gah.
Nyahaha. I got completely NOTHING done this winter break. I was supposed to get about 10 pages of a comic finished, in hopes that I can print out a mini-comic by APE. BUUUT, it doesn't look like I'll be making that dealine. Although I'm pretty fucked there, I do have some good news to report. I've turned in my introductory freelance commission, and I should be thrown about three more gigs soon. Which meansssss, I'll be paid up-front for the upcoming merc werk. At about $50 a pop, that comes out to a cool $150 in the bag. I don't know what you might be thinking, but I'm thinking: NEW WEBSITE biyatches. Once I get that moolah to the bank, and I friggin replace my lost credit card (it's been lost since I got back from SDCC), I will more than likely purchase a new domain to replace the one I lost (http://riotform.net). Whooooooos coming WITH ME??? I'll essentially be some kind of headmaster at an orphanage, because I have a duty to accomodate the former riotform kids, as well as pick up the other children who've come to me begging for shelter. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLLLL. Since I am oh so generous to my friends WHENEVER possible, I openly invite Jaime and Ron to hoard some space on here if they'd like. Yep, how would you like your own little slice of internet homepie, niggahz?
Oh, and it was Geno's birthday this past day, and we kicked it old school at his place. Several Warheadz breaking crew homies packed in his small ass room, it was great. Geno and I played Soul Calibur 2 for the longest time on his PS2, while the other cats were jammin on his MIDI piano and fiddling with Reason on his computer and freestyle flowing. 93 til, 93 til infinity.
P.S. My uncle just handed me a flyer about an open position for student assistants at the DOJ, upon my request a while ago. Hopefully I'll be able to land that job and/or keep the FTB spot. That would ROCK. But then again, getting the DOJ job might fuck up my school schedule royale with cheese. Gah.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Life Lessons In Deceit and Hospitality
I know this already. I've known this for a long while. But, let's be redundant and act like everyone else doesn't realize this. Everyone is fake. Facades of amicability and condescension rolled into one. We are all Roman gods playing our parts in a grand play, as if our individual lives warranted such drama. I am the avenging Neptune, who's wrath is as deep as the oceans. She is proud Juno, who's ire is unabatable. He is Janus, the two-faced deity of beginnings and ends. FUCK THAT. We only have this one life of ours to live, and we are given no second chances. Why waste it ruining your sensibilities and berating others? Just because a person is not likable to YOU, does not mean that you should carry such ill will and condescension towards this fellow human. Such an act is more heinous when it is someone you can readily come in contact with. THERE IS ALWAYS A MIDDLE-GROUND. Don't hide the fact that you cannot get along with a person, and don't rub it in their face as if they're the Anti-Christ. A genuine person with a true soul would use their empathic ability to reason and give a person the right to know why they aren't liked. Those who perpetrate these facades are no better than the tyrants that monger for conflict in this world.
Now, you may see this shpiel as a bit of hypocracy on my part. Granted, it may as well be. But who isn't a hypocrite, please tell me. You sir/ma'am would be shot on sight for fear you would incite a rebellion of do-gooding. True, I am a bit two-faced, I treat one gender far differently than the other, thusly, certain assumptions can be made about me. I can be known to be unfair and cruel to the female side. I can be just as evil towards my own kind. I mean, I can hold a grudge against just about anyone, but I know that I can't hold them indefinitely. I eventually realize how childish it is to blindly hate someone over some kind of silly or contrived notion I have about them. That's called prejudice, folks. But whatever. When it comes to either side, I won't be deceitful, only in the most playful of manners. As far as I can tell, I've told both men and women the most blunt truths when necessary. Give or take situations when such truths would possibly demoralize them, I will go out of my way to tell the truth. Why mire yourself in a net of lies when it will only entrap you the more you pile on? So corrupt and bleak is this world that deceit is the law of the land, where to advance in life you must build your strength through lies and half-truths. Must you empower yourself through other peoples' downfall? Surely, the lion would rather call upon the help of other lions to take down the wildebeest rather than KILL another lion so it can feast on a larger portion. I can honestly say this, if I were to see that you can easily don a mask of deceit rather than lower the veil of insecurity, I WILL HATE YOU. You should not be fit for evolution's grace. Much like Love, Providence is BLIND. We will all survive and benefit by unconditional support, don't forget that. Don't be elitist, that is what being deceitful truly is. You are striking down others who do not fit into your perceived mold of decency. You are not the One and Most High Emperor/Empress of all Men. C'mon now, have a little bit of common wisdom here.
Now, this kind of view can easily turn militant, and thus ELITIST, but no, I could never strike down that path fully. Live and Let Die, I believe. Fate's greater scheme will be realized, and people will eventually gain a degree of empathy to learn how wrong they have been. Oh well.
Just go about and beat each other about the heads with blunt weapons. I care not. Continue the way of the primitives, and you will 'prosper' as they have. Let the sensible inherit the positions you have wrongly abused.
I know this already. I've known this for a long while. But, let's be redundant and act like everyone else doesn't realize this. Everyone is fake. Facades of amicability and condescension rolled into one. We are all Roman gods playing our parts in a grand play, as if our individual lives warranted such drama. I am the avenging Neptune, who's wrath is as deep as the oceans. She is proud Juno, who's ire is unabatable. He is Janus, the two-faced deity of beginnings and ends. FUCK THAT. We only have this one life of ours to live, and we are given no second chances. Why waste it ruining your sensibilities and berating others? Just because a person is not likable to YOU, does not mean that you should carry such ill will and condescension towards this fellow human. Such an act is more heinous when it is someone you can readily come in contact with. THERE IS ALWAYS A MIDDLE-GROUND. Don't hide the fact that you cannot get along with a person, and don't rub it in their face as if they're the Anti-Christ. A genuine person with a true soul would use their empathic ability to reason and give a person the right to know why they aren't liked. Those who perpetrate these facades are no better than the tyrants that monger for conflict in this world.
Now, you may see this shpiel as a bit of hypocracy on my part. Granted, it may as well be. But who isn't a hypocrite, please tell me. You sir/ma'am would be shot on sight for fear you would incite a rebellion of do-gooding. True, I am a bit two-faced, I treat one gender far differently than the other, thusly, certain assumptions can be made about me. I can be known to be unfair and cruel to the female side. I can be just as evil towards my own kind. I mean, I can hold a grudge against just about anyone, but I know that I can't hold them indefinitely. I eventually realize how childish it is to blindly hate someone over some kind of silly or contrived notion I have about them. That's called prejudice, folks. But whatever. When it comes to either side, I won't be deceitful, only in the most playful of manners. As far as I can tell, I've told both men and women the most blunt truths when necessary. Give or take situations when such truths would possibly demoralize them, I will go out of my way to tell the truth. Why mire yourself in a net of lies when it will only entrap you the more you pile on? So corrupt and bleak is this world that deceit is the law of the land, where to advance in life you must build your strength through lies and half-truths. Must you empower yourself through other peoples' downfall? Surely, the lion would rather call upon the help of other lions to take down the wildebeest rather than KILL another lion so it can feast on a larger portion. I can honestly say this, if I were to see that you can easily don a mask of deceit rather than lower the veil of insecurity, I WILL HATE YOU. You should not be fit for evolution's grace. Much like Love, Providence is BLIND. We will all survive and benefit by unconditional support, don't forget that. Don't be elitist, that is what being deceitful truly is. You are striking down others who do not fit into your perceived mold of decency. You are not the One and Most High Emperor/Empress of all Men. C'mon now, have a little bit of common wisdom here.
Now, this kind of view can easily turn militant, and thus ELITIST, but no, I could never strike down that path fully. Live and Let Die, I believe. Fate's greater scheme will be realized, and people will eventually gain a degree of empathy to learn how wrong they have been. Oh well.
Just go about and beat each other about the heads with blunt weapons. I care not. Continue the way of the primitives, and you will 'prosper' as they have. Let the sensible inherit the positions you have wrongly abused.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
So Yeah...
...lot's of thinking, too much of it. It's like I'm afraid of those 'elevators' again. But no matter, this is just me over-thinking things again. I suppose that's a genuine character trait of mine: Methodicality. I usually have to think and re-think a given scenario to figure out how to pull it off with the least amount of failure. Overthinking AND overcompensating. Hah.
Thus, I sit here, listening to an odd collection of 80's music that come straight out of movie soundtracks, and nearly in the full swing of ANGST. I did a bit of mental spring cleaning today, i.e. baggage check, y'know, little things that fool you into thinking you're setting past things right. Sometimes I would do something as inane as go through my phone list and change the settings and numbers in there. See, my phone has this neat little feature, where I designate the specific phone ring for a certain amount of people. Caller Groups. Generally, I would shift the names of girls around, so that one will be demoted to the generic 'girls' category, or one would be promoted to the 'VIP girls' category. I dunno, it doesn't really solve anything, but it somehow soothes the ego to hear and NOT hear Usher's "U Remind Me" ringtone sound off.
But I digress. Today, I went through a bit of straightening out of my laptop and internet affairs. Certain documents I wrote for particularly emotional moments have been erased, chat logs deleted, calendar markings removed. For the extreme purpose of eradicating all references to things and people that would further cause me to loathe and regret.
I even went so far as to get on this retarded Friendster thing and go delete-happy. Now, I am no real fan of this system, but it still gets to me. Delete Friend here, Delete Testemonial there. All of it felt and looked useless. And because of this reverie, this emotional roller coaster I've ridden this past week, I'm nearly ready to either vent/spill as much as I can here or in that troublesome little journal I once kept.
BUTWHATEVER. This swing into the 'emo' kind of built up since the cabin trip not one week ago, where I was in the closest proximity to some of my most favored people in the world. You see, not only was an old old old love in the same house with me for a week, but also a past crush (more like crash) and the current object of my affection. Now, none of this should be secret to those that I occupied that cabin with. I mean, we're all part of the same social crowd, graduates of the same high school. But THAT is where everything goes completely wrong. I like this girl, I genuinely do. She's got all the right things that I admire most in these pitiful human beings: artistic/creative, tolerant, playful/outgoing, overall a BOMBSHELL. Which also makes it a painful thing for me, she's everyone's bombshell. How am I supposed to act when just about everyone else would take their shot at her if they could? For instance, one night, she (in her usual awestrikingness) was clearly the center of attention of a group of guys. I, stoned off my ass, could do nothing but feel a bit of jealousy and pass out. With her allegiance nowhere, where do I stand? I know for a fact that I am no team player; either I work solo or I don't work at all. Competition for one woman is almost beyond my scope of comprehension.
Ok, so I already feel a phantom bout of burnage from a girl I am hardly around, and whom I have growing feelings of both eros and agape. What else could go wrong. I'll tell you. Throughout the cabin, she and I barely exchange conversation for more than 2 minutes. How odd is that. When it's just her and I in private company, our conversations surely last longer than that. So what was missing? I dont know, I think I did something wrong; subtly offended her in some way. Is that even possible?
Alright, keep going, you might say.
Will things pick up like normal once this cabin trip is over? Was it just a bit of a shell-shock in being intimate with someone? Not ready for that kind of a jump in an ambiguous friend/relationship? Either way, I have the feeling that things might get worse before it gets better.
See, I have this awful habit of deserting a girl for a certain amount of time, abandoning conventional means of communication, an experiment in the old addage that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Half the time, this practice bears positive results, where the girl will seek me out as I had hoped. The other time, the girl will just as clearly desert me as I had deserted her, neutralizing the entire effect. Last time, I had talked to her and apologized for something I had done, which had obviously made her uncomfortable. She gave it to me straight: platonic friendship (or so I understood). I laid low, to get the feeling of such a blunt rejection out of my mind. Weeks pass, and I receive a morning call from her, waking me from my hung-over slumber. I had to decline her offer of lunch for obvious reasons. From that moment, things started to pick up again; I would call to see if she's up for a date the coming weekend, she'd call to suggest something we could do together. I played it cool, knowing that I had to respect her wishes to keep this straight & narrow. But little things keep slipping in, those pragmatic gestures that could be attributed to feelings other than platonic. Wrapping of the hand around the arm, a slight tug here and there, a tightening hug on occasion, locking of the hands unexpectedly. Like this one time, I insisted on saying good-bye with a friendly handshake/"daps," she smiled/laughed and refused the gesture. but she instead offered a hug/hand-hold.
Ok, so a couple of dates down the line, its comes to that inevitable 'friend zone,' this god-awful neutral state of courtship that I abhor. My early initiatives were nullified, but my current down-played attempts are accepted, implying that we're at a level of comfortability. Do I go aggressive and swoop in, fueled by passion? Or do I securely build the foundation, but also risk a permanent state of platonicity?
Sadly, this quandary is not unfamiliar to me. DEJA-fuckin-VU. A year ago, I had to make a similar decision as to whether I were to keep a relationship moving with a girl that could thoroughly bash my emotions, or cut my losses. I surmised to have Valentines Day be my final stand. And once again, that dreaded day is coming back around, presenting the same kind of ultimatum.
In the past scenario, I had the element of time on my agenda; I had the option to wait her out, let her drama cool down, and patch things up a year or so later. Now, that same option is not available. I am determined to leave this town in a year's time, and that doesn't leave me much space to nurture a potentially great relationship.
So, either I work this problem out soon, while my agenda allows, or I will lose out on a girl that's possibly greater than any I have met in Sacramento. No joke, people. The girl of last year was one thing, this is a whole lot more steps above.
Then, I keep thinking, how am I supposed to win in this scenario? It's so goddamned fucked up. How am I to date a girl that holds previous ties to just about everyone in my social crowd? The outer disguise is to seem that we are nothing more than friends, but that kind of information easily becomes distorted by the ceaseless rumors of the constituents in this social crowd. And how are we supposed to get along as a group anyway? This situation in itself is like diplomacy, like drafting a treaty between several volatile factions. We are no happy crowd of friends. We are a gossipy and polar set of people, who hold facades of amicability. The interconnectivity between all of us undoubtedly leads to volatility. Elissa and Ryan don't like Cindy, (as well as other people) but I, as well as Diana and Bryan, like her. Orlando's girlfriend Sherly doesn't like Cindy, Diana, and probably Elissa. Nolan probably still likes Diana, and Rob and Nolan don't always get along too keen. Rob and I get along fine, same with Jen and I, but she and I have some history. Same goes for me and Cindy, a brief history. Ryan and Cindy used to be together. I can't put too much faith into Ron. Sometimes I still want to violently harm Jaime. Ryan and Orlando are way too caught up in their own relationships that they are no longer the same as they once were (you can imagine how this kind of a situation can end up). We're something of a powder-keg waiting to be ignited. I have this distinct feeling that some day I will be that match.
The interactions between all of us are deep, and to somehow complicate the intricate web of friendship and deceit would be akin to acid desolving molecular bonds. I have a hunch that pursuing this will probably destroy my perception of balance in the grand scheme of this social circle. What if we got together, would I become the same as Ryan and Orlando? Would the hidden resentment for either one of us surface in subconscious ways, slowly deteriorating the original foundation of friendship? Will some people start to become awkward around either one of us? Would our break-up bar my friendship to those that allied themselves with her? She's a very likable person, would people swing to her defense? Would I become so distraught as to become disillusioned in the support of everyone else?
Gah, too much thinking.
...lot's of thinking, too much of it. It's like I'm afraid of those 'elevators' again. But no matter, this is just me over-thinking things again. I suppose that's a genuine character trait of mine: Methodicality. I usually have to think and re-think a given scenario to figure out how to pull it off with the least amount of failure. Overthinking AND overcompensating. Hah.
Thus, I sit here, listening to an odd collection of 80's music that come straight out of movie soundtracks, and nearly in the full swing of ANGST. I did a bit of mental spring cleaning today, i.e. baggage check, y'know, little things that fool you into thinking you're setting past things right. Sometimes I would do something as inane as go through my phone list and change the settings and numbers in there. See, my phone has this neat little feature, where I designate the specific phone ring for a certain amount of people. Caller Groups. Generally, I would shift the names of girls around, so that one will be demoted to the generic 'girls' category, or one would be promoted to the 'VIP girls' category. I dunno, it doesn't really solve anything, but it somehow soothes the ego to hear and NOT hear Usher's "U Remind Me" ringtone sound off.
But I digress. Today, I went through a bit of straightening out of my laptop and internet affairs. Certain documents I wrote for particularly emotional moments have been erased, chat logs deleted, calendar markings removed. For the extreme purpose of eradicating all references to things and people that would further cause me to loathe and regret.
I even went so far as to get on this retarded Friendster thing and go delete-happy. Now, I am no real fan of this system, but it still gets to me. Delete Friend here, Delete Testemonial there. All of it felt and looked useless. And because of this reverie, this emotional roller coaster I've ridden this past week, I'm nearly ready to either vent/spill as much as I can here or in that troublesome little journal I once kept.
BUTWHATEVER. This swing into the 'emo' kind of built up since the cabin trip not one week ago, where I was in the closest proximity to some of my most favored people in the world. You see, not only was an old old old love in the same house with me for a week, but also a past crush (more like crash) and the current object of my affection. Now, none of this should be secret to those that I occupied that cabin with. I mean, we're all part of the same social crowd, graduates of the same high school. But THAT is where everything goes completely wrong. I like this girl, I genuinely do. She's got all the right things that I admire most in these pitiful human beings: artistic/creative, tolerant, playful/outgoing, overall a BOMBSHELL. Which also makes it a painful thing for me, she's everyone's bombshell. How am I supposed to act when just about everyone else would take their shot at her if they could? For instance, one night, she (in her usual awestrikingness) was clearly the center of attention of a group of guys. I, stoned off my ass, could do nothing but feel a bit of jealousy and pass out. With her allegiance nowhere, where do I stand? I know for a fact that I am no team player; either I work solo or I don't work at all. Competition for one woman is almost beyond my scope of comprehension.
Ok, so I already feel a phantom bout of burnage from a girl I am hardly around, and whom I have growing feelings of both eros and agape. What else could go wrong. I'll tell you. Throughout the cabin, she and I barely exchange conversation for more than 2 minutes. How odd is that. When it's just her and I in private company, our conversations surely last longer than that. So what was missing? I dont know, I think I did something wrong; subtly offended her in some way. Is that even possible?
Alright, keep going, you might say.
Will things pick up like normal once this cabin trip is over? Was it just a bit of a shell-shock in being intimate with someone? Not ready for that kind of a jump in an ambiguous friend/relationship? Either way, I have the feeling that things might get worse before it gets better.
See, I have this awful habit of deserting a girl for a certain amount of time, abandoning conventional means of communication, an experiment in the old addage that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Half the time, this practice bears positive results, where the girl will seek me out as I had hoped. The other time, the girl will just as clearly desert me as I had deserted her, neutralizing the entire effect. Last time, I had talked to her and apologized for something I had done, which had obviously made her uncomfortable. She gave it to me straight: platonic friendship (or so I understood). I laid low, to get the feeling of such a blunt rejection out of my mind. Weeks pass, and I receive a morning call from her, waking me from my hung-over slumber. I had to decline her offer of lunch for obvious reasons. From that moment, things started to pick up again; I would call to see if she's up for a date the coming weekend, she'd call to suggest something we could do together. I played it cool, knowing that I had to respect her wishes to keep this straight & narrow. But little things keep slipping in, those pragmatic gestures that could be attributed to feelings other than platonic. Wrapping of the hand around the arm, a slight tug here and there, a tightening hug on occasion, locking of the hands unexpectedly. Like this one time, I insisted on saying good-bye with a friendly handshake/"daps," she smiled/laughed and refused the gesture. but she instead offered a hug/hand-hold.
Ok, so a couple of dates down the line, its comes to that inevitable 'friend zone,' this god-awful neutral state of courtship that I abhor. My early initiatives were nullified, but my current down-played attempts are accepted, implying that we're at a level of comfortability. Do I go aggressive and swoop in, fueled by passion? Or do I securely build the foundation, but also risk a permanent state of platonicity?
Sadly, this quandary is not unfamiliar to me. DEJA-fuckin-VU. A year ago, I had to make a similar decision as to whether I were to keep a relationship moving with a girl that could thoroughly bash my emotions, or cut my losses. I surmised to have Valentines Day be my final stand. And once again, that dreaded day is coming back around, presenting the same kind of ultimatum.
In the past scenario, I had the element of time on my agenda; I had the option to wait her out, let her drama cool down, and patch things up a year or so later. Now, that same option is not available. I am determined to leave this town in a year's time, and that doesn't leave me much space to nurture a potentially great relationship.
So, either I work this problem out soon, while my agenda allows, or I will lose out on a girl that's possibly greater than any I have met in Sacramento. No joke, people. The girl of last year was one thing, this is a whole lot more steps above.
Then, I keep thinking, how am I supposed to win in this scenario? It's so goddamned fucked up. How am I to date a girl that holds previous ties to just about everyone in my social crowd? The outer disguise is to seem that we are nothing more than friends, but that kind of information easily becomes distorted by the ceaseless rumors of the constituents in this social crowd. And how are we supposed to get along as a group anyway? This situation in itself is like diplomacy, like drafting a treaty between several volatile factions. We are no happy crowd of friends. We are a gossipy and polar set of people, who hold facades of amicability. The interconnectivity between all of us undoubtedly leads to volatility. Elissa and Ryan don't like Cindy, (as well as other people) but I, as well as Diana and Bryan, like her. Orlando's girlfriend Sherly doesn't like Cindy, Diana, and probably Elissa. Nolan probably still likes Diana, and Rob and Nolan don't always get along too keen. Rob and I get along fine, same with Jen and I, but she and I have some history. Same goes for me and Cindy, a brief history. Ryan and Cindy used to be together. I can't put too much faith into Ron. Sometimes I still want to violently harm Jaime. Ryan and Orlando are way too caught up in their own relationships that they are no longer the same as they once were (you can imagine how this kind of a situation can end up). We're something of a powder-keg waiting to be ignited. I have this distinct feeling that some day I will be that match.
The interactions between all of us are deep, and to somehow complicate the intricate web of friendship and deceit would be akin to acid desolving molecular bonds. I have a hunch that pursuing this will probably destroy my perception of balance in the grand scheme of this social circle. What if we got together, would I become the same as Ryan and Orlando? Would the hidden resentment for either one of us surface in subconscious ways, slowly deteriorating the original foundation of friendship? Will some people start to become awkward around either one of us? Would our break-up bar my friendship to those that allied themselves with her? She's a very likable person, would people swing to her defense? Would I become so distraught as to become disillusioned in the support of everyone else?
Gah, too much thinking.