Thursday, January 15, 2004

So Yeah...
...lot's of thinking, too much of it. It's like I'm afraid of those 'elevators' again. But no matter, this is just me over-thinking things again. I suppose that's a genuine character trait of mine: Methodicality. I usually have to think and re-think a given scenario to figure out how to pull it off with the least amount of failure. Overthinking AND overcompensating. Hah.
Thus, I sit here, listening to an odd collection of 80's music that come straight out of movie soundtracks, and nearly in the full swing of ANGST. I did a bit of mental spring cleaning today, i.e. baggage check, y'know, little things that fool you into thinking you're setting past things right. Sometimes I would do something as inane as go through my phone list and change the settings and numbers in there. See, my phone has this neat little feature, where I designate the specific phone ring for a certain amount of people. Caller Groups. Generally, I would shift the names of girls around, so that one will be demoted to the generic 'girls' category, or one would be promoted to the 'VIP girls' category. I dunno, it doesn't really solve anything, but it somehow soothes the ego to hear and NOT hear Usher's "U Remind Me" ringtone sound off.
But I digress. Today, I went through a bit of straightening out of my laptop and internet affairs. Certain documents I wrote for particularly emotional moments have been erased, chat logs deleted, calendar markings removed. For the extreme purpose of eradicating all references to things and people that would further cause me to loathe and regret.
I even went so far as to get on this retarded Friendster thing and go delete-happy. Now, I am no real fan of this system, but it still gets to me. Delete Friend here, Delete Testemonial there. All of it felt and looked useless. And because of this reverie, this emotional roller coaster I've ridden this past week, I'm nearly ready to either vent/spill as much as I can here or in that troublesome little journal I once kept.

BUTWHATEVER. This swing into the 'emo' kind of built up since the cabin trip not one week ago, where I was in the closest proximity to some of my most favored people in the world. You see, not only was an old old old love in the same house with me for a week, but also a past crush (more like crash) and the current object of my affection. Now, none of this should be secret to those that I occupied that cabin with. I mean, we're all part of the same social crowd, graduates of the same high school. But THAT is where everything goes completely wrong. I like this girl, I genuinely do. She's got all the right things that I admire most in these pitiful human beings: artistic/creative, tolerant, playful/outgoing, overall a BOMBSHELL. Which also makes it a painful thing for me, she's everyone's bombshell. How am I supposed to act when just about everyone else would take their shot at her if they could? For instance, one night, she (in her usual awestrikingness) was clearly the center of attention of a group of guys. I, stoned off my ass, could do nothing but feel a bit of jealousy and pass out. With her allegiance nowhere, where do I stand? I know for a fact that I am no team player; either I work solo or I don't work at all. Competition for one woman is almost beyond my scope of comprehension.
Ok, so I already feel a phantom bout of burnage from a girl I am hardly around, and whom I have growing feelings of both eros and agape. What else could go wrong. I'll tell you. Throughout the cabin, she and I barely exchange conversation for more than 2 minutes. How odd is that. When it's just her and I in private company, our conversations surely last longer than that. So what was missing? I dont know, I think I did something wrong; subtly offended her in some way. Is that even possible?
Alright, keep going, you might say.
Will things pick up like normal once this cabin trip is over? Was it just a bit of a shell-shock in being intimate with someone? Not ready for that kind of a jump in an ambiguous friend/relationship? Either way, I have the feeling that things might get worse before it gets better.
See, I have this awful habit of deserting a girl for a certain amount of time, abandoning conventional means of communication, an experiment in the old addage that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Half the time, this practice bears positive results, where the girl will seek me out as I had hoped. The other time, the girl will just as clearly desert me as I had deserted her, neutralizing the entire effect. Last time, I had talked to her and apologized for something I had done, which had obviously made her uncomfortable. She gave it to me straight: platonic friendship (or so I understood). I laid low, to get the feeling of such a blunt rejection out of my mind. Weeks pass, and I receive a morning call from her, waking me from my hung-over slumber. I had to decline her offer of lunch for obvious reasons. From that moment, things started to pick up again; I would call to see if she's up for a date the coming weekend, she'd call to suggest something we could do together. I played it cool, knowing that I had to respect her wishes to keep this straight & narrow. But little things keep slipping in, those pragmatic gestures that could be attributed to feelings other than platonic. Wrapping of the hand around the arm, a slight tug here and there, a tightening hug on occasion, locking of the hands unexpectedly. Like this one time, I insisted on saying good-bye with a friendly handshake/"daps," she smiled/laughed and refused the gesture. but she instead offered a hug/hand-hold.
Ok, so a couple of dates down the line, its comes to that inevitable 'friend zone,' this god-awful neutral state of courtship that I abhor. My early initiatives were nullified, but my current down-played attempts are accepted, implying that we're at a level of comfortability. Do I go aggressive and swoop in, fueled by passion? Or do I securely build the foundation, but also risk a permanent state of platonicity?
Sadly, this quandary is not unfamiliar to me. DEJA-fuckin-VU. A year ago, I had to make a similar decision as to whether I were to keep a relationship moving with a girl that could thoroughly bash my emotions, or cut my losses. I surmised to have Valentines Day be my final stand. And once again, that dreaded day is coming back around, presenting the same kind of ultimatum.
In the past scenario, I had the element of time on my agenda; I had the option to wait her out, let her drama cool down, and patch things up a year or so later. Now, that same option is not available. I am determined to leave this town in a year's time, and that doesn't leave me much space to nurture a potentially great relationship.
So, either I work this problem out soon, while my agenda allows, or I will lose out on a girl that's possibly greater than any I have met in Sacramento. No joke, people. The girl of last year was one thing, this is a whole lot more steps above.

Then, I keep thinking, how am I supposed to win in this scenario? It's so goddamned fucked up. How am I to date a girl that holds previous ties to just about everyone in my social crowd? The outer disguise is to seem that we are nothing more than friends, but that kind of information easily becomes distorted by the ceaseless rumors of the constituents in this social crowd. And how are we supposed to get along as a group anyway? This situation in itself is like diplomacy, like drafting a treaty between several volatile factions. We are no happy crowd of friends. We are a gossipy and polar set of people, who hold facades of amicability. The interconnectivity between all of us undoubtedly leads to volatility. Elissa and Ryan don't like Cindy, (as well as other people) but I, as well as Diana and Bryan, like her. Orlando's girlfriend Sherly doesn't like Cindy, Diana, and probably Elissa. Nolan probably still likes Diana, and Rob and Nolan don't always get along too keen. Rob and I get along fine, same with Jen and I, but she and I have some history. Same goes for me and Cindy, a brief history. Ryan and Cindy used to be together. I can't put too much faith into Ron. Sometimes I still want to violently harm Jaime. Ryan and Orlando are way too caught up in their own relationships that they are no longer the same as they once were (you can imagine how this kind of a situation can end up). We're something of a powder-keg waiting to be ignited. I have this distinct feeling that some day I will be that match.
The interactions between all of us are deep, and to somehow complicate the intricate web of friendship and deceit would be akin to acid desolving molecular bonds. I have a hunch that pursuing this will probably destroy my perception of balance in the grand scheme of this social circle. What if we got together, would I become the same as Ryan and Orlando? Would the hidden resentment for either one of us surface in subconscious ways, slowly deteriorating the original foundation of friendship? Will some people start to become awkward around either one of us? Would our break-up bar my friendship to those that allied themselves with her? She's a very likable person, would people swing to her defense? Would I become so distraught as to become disillusioned in the support of everyone else?
Gah, too much thinking.

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