Saturday, February 14, 2004

Happy Valentines Day, fuckers

So this is the infamous day, and I have successfully dodged the possibilities of my further humiliation. One year ago, I went out on a date with the girl I thought could be THE ONE, or at least, THE ONE until I actually found the real deal holyfield. All was well with the date, until I did something that forever changed the course of that night and our relationship. I broke my 6 CD changer. This event led to all kinds of fucked up shit, from her ex-boyfriend joining us on that date to me eventually not wanting to see her for a while, and then her randomly showing up and resparking a retardedly doomed thing. BAH.

This year, I saw the omens far ahead of time, I knew what I could do and what I HAD TO DO. As far back as before the cabin-trip, I knew I was recklessly hurtling to this day: Valentine's Day. I even referred to this day many blogger entries ago, that in the struggle of love between man and woman, Valentines Day was the inevitable D-Day for the war's turning point.
The difference in this year was even more clear as the V-Day approached. Thursday was a good day, TOO good a day. It was our official end of the week, as my school had Friday and the coming Monday marked as holidays. That night, there was a party/BBQ at Jen's house, where it was essentially the usual crowd, dominantly male and mostly single. Alex was already feeling the grasp of Valentines dark side, where the depression of singlehood can feel like there is no bottom. I was at that edge with him, but at the same time stradling the opposite side: risking my dignity and actually going on a date with a girl who's I'm starting to see as a representation of THE ONE. But Thursday was the HIGH point of this horrible period of time. Friday would come to be the nail in the coffin.
For once, the old gang was almost fully assembled: Ryan was driver, Orlando/Frank had come out of hiding, Jaime was the legal representative, and Alex and I were there for the ride...or I thought. Alex was still in the throes of sickness, but came along with us; I had hoped his addition to the party mobile would prove this Friday to be a great night to be out. FUCK, were we wrong. As we strolled into the downtown maze, all was quiet, eerily quiet. Infusion, a new cafe that opened up a few weeks back, was desolate. We tried getting in touch with friends who could point us to a fun thing to do: no dice. We dropped by Hollywood Video to see Nolan, still no idea what to do. We headed back to my house to re-coup. Nothing. So we end up getting a call from Nolan on his way out of work. We chill in the shopping plaza parking lot, still coming up with a plan of action on this, yet ANOTHER "Fun Friday." It seemed the entire city had slept for that night.
Finally, the option was taken to go to Mr. Perry's to have a late snack and hang-out. Lo and behold, Perry's was the busiest place this night.
Luckily, Mr. Chris Lee was there to surprise us with his presence, and we ended up just hanging out shooting the breeze from that point on.

And now, it is Saturday, St. Valentine's day. It's 6:40, and I am doing nothing. Have I succeeded in evading a possible replay of last year? Or have I failed to drive myself out of this rut? Maybe I'll figure that out in the coming days.

Thursday, February 12, 2004


I just checked my bank account online, and I've got the bill for buying $333.60. HOLYSHIT. Help, anyone?

Hahaha, don't worry about it. I've got a meager amount of savings in there, which means I'll be throwing in the minimum for a while. Until I get a job, that is. If not... I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED UP THE ASS.

So, the belt is going to have to be tightened from here on out, every penny pinched. Whatever pitance I get will go straight to the bank, to keep me afloat above the dark depths of Davy Jones' locker of bad credit rating.

On the bright side, my risky venture has some signs of worth, as I think I was able to recruit (with the immense help of Travis/Diabolicol) this talented mofo that goes by the alias Fel.
Also, my mentor and hero Wil (dub317) has resurfaced, with a new site in the works. We had a pretty cool convo goin on tonight, in which he urged me to make a photoshop tutorial for him. Imagine that, my old mentor is asking me to teach him a thing or two. That's crazy.

But eh, the dreaded Valentines is fast approaching, and I'm out of viable options to consciously dodge that night. Will I cave and ask this certain girl out? Or will I stay ice cold and try to find a party to drown away the memory of last year's horrible date? (Please refer to blog entry 2/09/2003-2/15/2003)
I sure as hell can't try to go spend-crazy this time around.

I should really get off this before I forget about the many projects I've got to get out of the way. Ta-ta.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Monday, February 09, 2004

Ho-ly shit. I was 'lucky' enough to bump into HER on my tardy way to class this morning. I was somewhat jittery, but I can attribute that to the fact that it was quite cold at the time. But yeah, we exchanged a bit of small talk, glad that she recognized me. well, its not like it was hard to do so, since I gave her a surprised look and slightly exclaimed, "Oh hey! It's you." Smooth man, real smooth. anyway. SHE TOTALLY ROCKS MY WORLD. except I have NOFUCKINCHANCE at her. it's okay, everyone is entitled to their dream.

Speaking of dreams, when I got home, I took a mid-day nap, because I had nothing better to do (and I was waiting for the DNS to finally load my goddamned account). Within the nap I had, was probably one of the oddest vibed dreams I've had in recent memory. It was winter in the mountains, possibly the next cabin trip with the friends. The same crowd was present, plus Alex. In one moment, I am happily enjoying the outdoors with 'the girl,' (not the same one mentioned earlier in this post) when I ultimately foul up the blissfulness of our time together. I think we were lightly rough-housing, when she pushes me back a bit. I push her back, and taunt her to come at me. She does so, with this angelic smile on her face. Instead, I actually let her playfully pounce on me, but I counter her momentum and viciously toss her aside. I smiled briefly, with all the childish whim of a school-yard bully. She, rising slowly from the ground, flashes me this glance of pure hatred and dispondent loathing. I realize the stupidity of what I had just done, but it was too late. She got up, wiped the tears forming from those beautiful big eyes of hers, and runs off back to the cabin. I try to chase, but she's ahead of me and inside. When I reach the cabin, I ask my cabin-mates where she's gone, but all they tell me is that she came in and ran outside through another door, crying. FUCK!
I catch up to her outside, where shes leaning against the wall, with her back to me. I try to approach quietly, and slowly whisper her name, trying to show that I'm truly and deeply sorry. She's still crying, and tells me to go away (or rather, to "Fuck Off"). I come closer, and put my hand on her back, rubbing it, to give her a sense of assurance of my genuine intentions. She gives me a slight glance, but still won't accept my presence. I grab both of her shoulders and try to turn her towards me, to face me and look me square in the eyes. TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CARE AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO REGAIN HER TRUST AND FORGIVENESS. I try to explain, with all kinds of worthless excuses, and she quiets them all when she tells me, "You really hurt me, I never expected you to hurt me." CRAP. I start sputtering how much I care and that I'd never intentionally hurt her, and I can see that her coldness is starting to soften. Somewhere in my stammering, I must have slipped in the forbidden words of "I," "Love," and/or "You." At that point, I am essentially professing my hidden love for her. She now knows this.
A voice from inside the cabin calls out, and my attention is divided for a fraction of a moment. But in that slight frame of time, something happens that even my own mind (which created the dream) could not understand. My head is turned towards the door I left open, but she grabs my face and pulls me in close. Her lips, those insatiable lips, closes in on mine, and in an instant she is kissing me. I am stunned momentarily, but it does not take me long to realize that THIS is what I've always wanted. We're kissing, and it feels better than anything I could imagine in real or fantasy. And then it stops.
More people are calling out for us, and possibly looking for me or her. We look towards the sound of their voices, hesitant that they might come upon this moment. Instead, I lift my hand towards hers, assuring her that it's ok, fuck what they think. I tell her, "don't worry about them." We kiss once more, and then...
DAMMIT, I wake up.

Wild Nights

Friday may have been just another lame Friday for some, and in truth, it could have very well been one for me. Rather, my Friday was spent in an old 'past-time' that me my group of friends enjoy: REVELRY. That night was host to a party of such harrowing magnitude that has not been seen since the week-long fun-fest of this year's cabin trip. Think of it this way, the only person that WASN'T intoxicated in any way was NOLAN. That, my friends, is saying alot, as he did not even partake of the "chief" as Alex puts it (and oddly, he's the ONLY one I know who puts it that way). It started off with a few phone calls the day before, giving me word that Diana was hosting Cindy's 21st birthday at her place. Within minutes of me being told about it from the lady herself, I was semi-bombarded with queries from a couple of people about the party. I am not one to start or instigate drama, but somehow, I knew I would be in the fuckin THICK of it by attending. Lo and behold, I was the agent of such dramatics that I am somewhat regretting my actions.
Okay, Friday night, I meet up with Alex at his apartment, looking to kill some time before the scheduled 11pm party start. After a few minutes of deliberation, we could not find anything action-packed enough to sate our boredom. It seemed like our night would replay into another one of those "Fun" Fridays. Already, we're heading towards the inevitable insanity that was to come. He and I stop by Adam's place, to chill and get our slack on. We grab a six-pack of Sierra to spark the early buzz and play eighty or so games of Tekken. Before we know it, 11PM is rolling by, and it is nearly time that the party is to start. And so the quandary becomes clear: Will Adam go to Cindy's party with us? OHSHIT, that would be CRAZY. For those not in the general know, Adam and Cindy were together for quite a bit a while back. I would not say they are on the best footing with one another. The possibility is considered, and Alex and I urge Adam to attend, with the most malicious of grins on us. Essentially, we thought we could at least score some shock-value, as in, "Holy shit, Adam is here!" Instead, I chose to forego the 'surprise' guest appearance of Adam, and minded the sentiments of Diana and Cindy. I give Dee a call, asking if I could speak to Cindy. Being the 'insider' that I am, I would use my standing as being good friends of both Diana and Cindy to work the situation to our advantage. Knowing that Cindy was questioning inviting Adam in the first place, I knew that she could not refuse, on this the day of her birthday. BIMBAM, she says yes, after hesitantly asking Diana if it's ok.
SCORE! I have just bought Adam a ticket into a party we knew would be crazy. It was the beginning of the semester, parties aren't exactly abundant around here, so anything we would come across was guaranteed to be unique in it's own way.
And so it was. Although I stopped at around "Round 2," I remember that the others got to at least "Round 5." Diana's balcony was once again home to the smokers of the party, which comprised of more than half the kids there. Roberta and her brother Eli were there, as well as Jen, Rob, Nick, and Pat. Jaime rolled with Ron, and Jasmine & Kiel were present as well. A friend or two of Diana's made late appearances, and Nolan came right after his shift ended at work. As usual, Eli provided the veteran experience of concocting drinks, while the rest of the kids lounged about getting increasingly inebriated with each passing hour. At the height of the festivities, almost half the people at this small kick-back were lit, and all but one person was at least buzzed. For a while, Nolan and Jen went AWOL in the direction of the swings, and five of us wandered out to the park looking for those same swings. Nick was the unofficial champion of liquor drinking, as I had not seen him stop once when it came to taking shots. Kiel was quite elevated, but his liquor consumption was fairly low that night, thankfully. Alex was hit pretty badly when it came to the liquor, as he had not drunken this much lately. It also didn't help that his Ms. B. declined his drunken offer to stop by the party. At the peak of the night's drunkeness, the DRAMA that I inadverdently caused had reached an inescapable crescendo. Adam and Cindy were faded at this time, and I had watched them engage in mild small talk, all the signs of amiable conversation. At this point, I spotted something that I knew would happen: they were re-enacting signs of lovey-dovey mushy shit, full-on cuddle/embrace mode. In my mind, the words OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT recycled endlessly. Not many people put too much attention in this, since they were all caught up in their stupors, and what was I supposed to do? I played it cool, hoping that this would not escalate into very loud WHATHEFUCK's. Hell, I had warned Adam of this earlier, and tried to make the point clear. NO HANKYPANKY, this is a casual 'friend-zone' party! Alas, my fear had come to pass, and to top it, Diana walks past them on the couch, and is still coherent enough to finally see this and says with a surly, yet reprimanding voice, "Whats THIS?"
All in all, there wasn't any major hitches, Alex didn't get into any fights as he had forewarned, thank heavens. The most concern I had to express over my compatriots was towards Pat, who kept asking people to slap him. He's an odd drunk. By the time 4am rolled by, I was reasonably clear-headed, and Ron was just as sober, as he had stopped drinking at the same round as me. Jaime gave me back my keys, since Ron and I entrusted our keys to him earlier in the night. Nick and Kiel played hockey on Diana's pool table, and unfortunately Dee was at the point that she was either up or out. She was out when they were playing hockey. Alex crashed on the round chair, only to awaken with Jen and Jasmine curled in the couch with him. Much to Pat and Kiel's encouragement/dismay. The party eventually filtered out, and I over-shot my initial plan of getting home by 3am. Oh well, that's the 'party' life. Hah.