Friday, March 05, 2004

The inevitable has come to pass

I've lost my man card. In front of, and to Alex, no less. And the day was going quite well, too...
So, I was able to rally Ryan and Alex to the Aceyalone/Visionaries concert, the big night that we could let loose a bit, and for me to see HER (#1). It was going down pretty well, hadn't caught sight of her during the Visionaries set, and Alex and I wander outside after their performance. We see Erwin chillin outside, waiting for a way to get into the show. See, Erwin is the folks, and he's trying to sneak in because the rest of his folks are in there, including mine and Alex's "unicorns." Eventually, Alex scores Erwin a way in, because one of his friends is working the door. So we're all in now, and Erwin shows us the way to where THEY are. So shit, the storm is brewin. I locate Ryan, and now we're rockin steady to Ace-one, within distance from HERs (Alex and mine, respectively). The show rocks socks, and when it ended, we're all chillin in the lobby. Alex is 'wooing' his, and I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm of mine.
Little did I know, the family connection has surfaced as I had hoped it wouldnt: Eric Nedora is there, and Henry (Geno's homie) is there as well. I retardedly mention the Hiero pictures I'm going to develop for her...and then, the disaster hits. I fumble my words, trying not to look like some fool perpetrator moving in on a girl in the midst of her folks. I verbally dance around the subject of trying to get her number, fully aware that there are people here who've known me for as long as I've lived in Sac, and that connection can MAKE or BREAK me. All the while I'm stumbling over my words, Henry sees through me and says, "Why don't you just ask for her number, man." AND HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I don't even look her in the eyes; I've already been defeated. The next few words I say were the words of a man that momentarily lost dignity. EH. I didn't get her number, end of story.
I've explained it already, BUT I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE. And that was like, 10 G of weight on my shoulder.

Half a year ago, Jaime and I claimed Alex's man card because of a similar situation, and now, karma strikes back, and I've lost mine to him. ARGH.

I'll live, but DAMN.


eh, who am I kidding. Damned EMO is leaking out again... I should have just stayed at Jen's, it was getting fun. The usual Thursday night crowd was there, the comfort zone was there. Alas, I've got priorities. Damned younger sister needs to CARPOOL her ass to school, I want to party and sleep in. Well whatever, I'm ranting and raving... see what a bombshell of a girl can do to one's thought processes? I find myself identifying with Alex everyday. EMO!

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Fly little bird, as only your wings can send you

Fuck, its only Tuesday. What a way to get this week going. Yesterday was just the standard-fare-monday: school, 7 hours of work, a bit of chit-chatting with my classmate Terell before I headed out to make the money. He's a cool cat, might end up kicking it with him sooner or later outside of school.
Today, I got to hang out with Dave for a bit, get plans rolling for our history papers, and the normal talk. After talking to Dave, I headed over to Diana's and totally hung out with her for half an hour. On her bed. With her on it. OMG. It felt good to be around her again.
Oh, and I got several unexpected calls today, one of which from Shannon (former Connection staff-mate) telling me about a party at her and Pera's (!) place out in Chico. I want to go... but it's certain that Her #2 will be there. DILEMMA.
Another call was from Apple Computers about buying a warranty for my laptop (which will expire in a couple of days). Crap.
Later in the day, Alex called, and he eventually rolled by my place at late 7. We went to the store to get him a pack of smokes, Hollywood Video to 'surprise' Nolan, and eventually to Jen's kick it with Rob while Alex did his laundry there. And now. I've flown home, and I am still in the sky. Bye!
3, 2, 1, and the walls crumble

I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...

Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.

I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.




I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.

To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Three days of mild mayhem

Thursday: Like a week or so back, Thursday played host to another kickback at Jens. It wasn't as action-packed as I hoped, but there were still a couple of cool moments to glean from that night. For a period of about 30 minutes, it was just me, Rob, and Pat as the only guys in the house. In this brief half-hour, the ratio of girl-to-guy was actually tipped in THEIR favor. Five girls, three guys. Holy moly. And not, like, barely-bonkable girls. Rob's former co-workers Erica & Jeanelle, their friend, and Diana & Cindy. We could have seriously had the dream orgy there. Hah. The rest of the night was just kickin it with the folks, drinking and smoking.

Friday: I opted not to work extra hours, because I was getting lazy. Instead, I just chilled at home. Being lazy. Jaime and Orlando came by for a bit, and later that night I eventually went out to meet up with the former sQuiD kids at Futami's in celebration of Ryan's coming birthday. In honor of my bestestest buddy's birthday, I take a shot of sake and drink some plum wine. Loosey-goosey. After dinner, Alex finally swings by, and we roll to Orlando's to kick it for the rest of the night. We try to plan for tomorrow, but nothing really came to mind.

Saturday: SQUAREone (continued). A rave. My first rave. It was pretty fun, considering the rave thing is not my scene. But it was coo nonetheless. The best part was that I was on the guestlist with most of my friends thanks to ol' boys Adam and Pat. The downer was that Ryan, Alex, Adam, and I weren't able to rock some live art in the rave as we had hoped. So now Adam's got a big piece of plywood that should have been painted on. However, it was a fun four hours or so of jumping around like I'm suffering from seizures, and smoking nearly a whole pack of Luckie Strikes. In FACT, we (Nolan, Ryan, Jaime, and I) were luckie bastards tonight, seeing as how we dodged the retribution of The Man tonight, but got to the rave late because of it (thus missing Nick's set, GRR).