3, 2, 1, and the walls crumble

I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...

Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.

I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that look...like, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this afternoon...my phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.

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I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.

To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.