Friday, September 03, 2004


and girls are always a disappointment.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Fuck all this EMO bullshit that seems to be dropkicking me in the head every other month. All it seems to do is put me at odds with my logical and sentimental sides. And all the while, it just slows down the development that I need. I'm going to just go hardcore and draw comics for the next few weeks, enough of the cat and mouse games. If I don't churn out a couple of pages of sequentials by Labor Day weekend, then I am officially brain dead.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Heatwave Blues.

The past few days has had some of the muggiest weather all summer. Incidentally, these past few days have also been permanently recorded as some of craziest I've had all year. Rewind, forreals.

I'll have to take it back about A YEAR ago. There's this girl, whom I've referenced in the past, that I used to casually date. Hell, I even like her enough to deeply care about her. Preposterous, but true. I tried to make the move last year, but was spurned and burned. Badly. Skip to winter, things get more confusing between her and I. But despite the weird circumstances that transpired, she and I are on pretty good terms. WHICH ADDS TO THE CONFUSION. Now, its a little more than a year after the times that we went out. I missed her birthday party bonanza. Intentionally. I didn't really want to further complicate this feeling of clarity I've had for the past three weeks. Things were starting to look promising for the path I was walking... I was partying, clubbing, bar-hopping with my older cousins throughout the summer...soaking in the kind of fun that my own friends can't offer...


I get a call from her. And as you should know, her calling me is a rare event, and not without good reason. So she's at a bar with a friend or two. She's calling me out to meet her there. I'm at home in my boxers drawing (YES, I'm drawing again), getting back into an art groove. It really seems like she wants me to come out to the bar she's at. It's like a Wednesday, or something. I politely decline, saying something about school in the morning and blahblahblah. Truth is that I had been drinking back to back weekends through August, and I wanted to give the liver a rest for a change. So she sounds dejected, so I give her an alternative choice. It was my cousin's birthday party at some restaurant/bar downtown, and the DJ cousins of mine were also spinning for the night. The restaurant is converted into a bar/club on Fridays like these, with no cover charge. I tell her that we'll make up for the fact that I missed her birthday by meeting up Friday night. I figured, I can kill two birds with one stone by going to the birthday party and having her meet me there. Friday rolls by, and everything just about goes according to plan. By the time she arrived I had already finished a Long Island and two beers. We hit a Kamikaze shot together, and chill at the bar. I tell her to head to the small dancefloor and cut a rug. We dance the night away. The night is done at roughly 5am after a meal at a 24 hour diner with her, her friend Roberta, and my cousin Geno. Things look O.K. thus far, neutral and all that.

Sunday night is a big party for a friend's going-away to London. The usual crowd is there, and then some. I didnt drink much, several cups of juice mixed with vodka, a shot of Hennessey, shot of Vodka, two Bacardi 151 jello shots, a couple of beers. I'm in a comfy state of inebriation. Everyone else gets fairly smashed, except for Jaime and Eric. The dilemma presents itself. The details are sketchy, but for the most part of the night, she is extremely more flirty than I expect. And it doesnt even seem like it's completely directed towards me. Ok, so towards the end of the night, her charm is direct towards me. No big deal, I can hold my liquor as well as my inhibitions with expertise. Although the madness of the night MOST CERTAINLY did not revolve around her and I, the moment that plagued me the rest of the night (and even now) is the instance in which I tried to dive in and kiss her...INSTEAD, she kisses me.

The point of contention here is this: in all the moves I've made towards her, each time I was met with some kind of defiance from her. When I tried to kiss her before, the moment never succeeded. On Sunday night, she welcomed and beckoned my advances. Granted, there were others that night that attempted the same as I, but my intent was far more noble than theirs. Hell, even after the unexpected kiss, I had opportunities to CAPITALIZE. But I didn't. I just sat there. And pondered what goes on in her head.

True, she was drunk. Her inhibitions may have faltered that night. But the truth is, she's been just as drunk in times past, and she can handle herself as well as I. Perhaps even better on occasion. As I'm told from another friend, someone tried to make it with her at one point in the night; they kissed, but she pushed him back (allegedly). What does that mean for me? I'm not sure I want to know, or whether I should try to know. As I said before, I was set in my ways before this; I was sure there was nothing between us anymore...Hell, I was trying to get with a girl I met at a club before this came up (though that attempt was neglible).

Another thing that startles me about that kiss is this: the very same thing happened with me and Claudia. She had resisted me until one odd night that she just reciprocated my kiss. Now, a girl whom I hold in even higher esteem than Claudia is giving me feelings of bad ju-ju and deja-vu. Why am I hesitating?