Monday, February 09, 2004

Ho-ly shit. I was 'lucky' enough to bump into HER on my tardy way to class this morning. I was somewhat jittery, but I can attribute that to the fact that it was quite cold at the time. But yeah, we exchanged a bit of small talk, glad that she recognized me. well, its not like it was hard to do so, since I gave her a surprised look and slightly exclaimed, "Oh hey! It's you." Smooth man, real smooth. anyway. SHE TOTALLY ROCKS MY WORLD. except I have NOFUCKINCHANCE at her. it's okay, everyone is entitled to their dream.

Speaking of dreams, when I got home, I took a mid-day nap, because I had nothing better to do (and I was waiting for the DNS to finally load my goddamned account). Within the nap I had, was probably one of the oddest vibed dreams I've had in recent memory. It was winter in the mountains, possibly the next cabin trip with the friends. The same crowd was present, plus Alex. In one moment, I am happily enjoying the outdoors with 'the girl,' (not the same one mentioned earlier in this post) when I ultimately foul up the blissfulness of our time together. I think we were lightly rough-housing, when she pushes me back a bit. I push her back, and taunt her to come at me. She does so, with this angelic smile on her face. Instead, I actually let her playfully pounce on me, but I counter her momentum and viciously toss her aside. I smiled briefly, with all the childish whim of a school-yard bully. She, rising slowly from the ground, flashes me this glance of pure hatred and dispondent loathing. I realize the stupidity of what I had just done, but it was too late. She got up, wiped the tears forming from those beautiful big eyes of hers, and runs off back to the cabin. I try to chase, but she's ahead of me and inside. When I reach the cabin, I ask my cabin-mates where she's gone, but all they tell me is that she came in and ran outside through another door, crying. FUCK!
I catch up to her outside, where shes leaning against the wall, with her back to me. I try to approach quietly, and slowly whisper her name, trying to show that I'm truly and deeply sorry. She's still crying, and tells me to go away (or rather, to "Fuck Off"). I come closer, and put my hand on her back, rubbing it, to give her a sense of assurance of my genuine intentions. She gives me a slight glance, but still won't accept my presence. I grab both of her shoulders and try to turn her towards me, to face me and look me square in the eyes. TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CARE AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO REGAIN HER TRUST AND FORGIVENESS. I try to explain, with all kinds of worthless excuses, and she quiets them all when she tells me, "You really hurt me, I never expected you to hurt me." CRAP. I start sputtering how much I care and that I'd never intentionally hurt her, and I can see that her coldness is starting to soften. Somewhere in my stammering, I must have slipped in the forbidden words of "I," "Love," and/or "You." At that point, I am essentially professing my hidden love for her. She now knows this.
A voice from inside the cabin calls out, and my attention is divided for a fraction of a moment. But in that slight frame of time, something happens that even my own mind (which created the dream) could not understand. My head is turned towards the door I left open, but she grabs my face and pulls me in close. Her lips, those insatiable lips, closes in on mine, and in an instant she is kissing me. I am stunned momentarily, but it does not take me long to realize that THIS is what I've always wanted. We're kissing, and it feels better than anything I could imagine in real or fantasy. And then it stops.
More people are calling out for us, and possibly looking for me or her. We look towards the sound of their voices, hesitant that they might come upon this moment. Instead, I lift my hand towards hers, assuring her that it's ok, fuck what they think. I tell her, "don't worry about them." We kiss once more, and then...
DAMMIT, I wake up.


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