hm. it's been a long week since i last recorded recent events. short story long: exhaustion. exhausted from the near constant (i exaggerate) string of communique from previously mentioned old friends, ex, and her. i have truly become everyone's step ladder. bahhh. sure, i like being called upon to help, but damn. it can get quite tedious when it comes day after day. and i still havent put pencil to paper lately and drawn for the pure joy of it.
tonight, my cousin Mary Grace is graduating from high school, and the fam and i will be having a rather large dinner at a chinese restaurant somewhere. tomorrow, i'll have to wake up early once more, this time i'll be taking the ex so she can take her driving permit written test thing. bah. why am i such a sucker?

before i forget, she told me today that she's got a chance to be on MTV's next "Real World" season in San Diego. i woke up early this morning to let her borrow my vidcam so she can tape the third phase of the interview process, which was a telephone interview. i'm actually pretty excited for her, although i tried not to show it today. the exhaustion of this past week has rubbed off as hostility toward her, although i did not intend for my problems to manifest itself that way.

i, in no way, intended for the early part of my summer to be a re-run of my past, what with her, kris, jr, and carol equally occupying my waking time and thoughts. i had hoped to spend some of my summer vacation with this one girl named Anh, but she turned the tables on me at the last second. and that really sucked. there was also the outside hope to try and hook up with this hottie from one of my classes this past semester...but thats a very slow work in progress. so much for summer lovin, hah. thus far, the only love i'm getting is from Neverwinter Nights, and oh, am i spankin that ass. figuratively speaking.

damn, my week is all kinds of FUCKED UP. jam packed with issues, ya know? firstly, i went to work only to find out that i wasnt supposed to work on tuesday. d'oh. i tried to stick around for 4 hours, as the option to work was given to me since i accidentally dropped by. i only stayed for 1 hour. turned out that there was no work for the rest of the week. i just want to quit already, i don't want to wait for them to lay me off. it's dragging on for way to long.
wednesday, i went to play tennis with my cousins and 2 of the boyfriends of my cousins gem and jac. the heat was intense, and were my constitution weaker (as if it werent already), i would have likely collapsed on the court. sucks to be out of shape. i shall resolve to strengthen my body so i can play better in the future, i've negelected it for far too long. that night, she came by to drop off the books i lent her earlier in the semester for the classes she ended up dropping. we shared a quaint moment, blah blah blah.
thursday, i tried selling the aforementioned books, but they did not fetch a damn thing. my hopes to have some pocket money to buy gas and some smokes went sour. now i've got to charge the gas to my credit card. and i hoped to never charge gas on credit, gaaaah.
on top of that, kris, one of my oldest friends, is in need of my help, so he's going to stay the night at my house, and we've got to find him a place to stay for the next couple of days.
and then... my ex texts me not 30 minutes ago, wanting to kick it tomorrow. so now, it'll be me, her, and kris, hanging out tomorrow. your average reunion that dates back 4 or 5 years back. fun times.
i swear, i might end up forgetting the actual things i need to get done this week because of all events popping up. dammit.

i think i'll rescind my previous policy of limiting information regarding my romantic life. let's just say i got a slight wake up call today, and not just because it was 6:45 in the morning. i spent the better half of my day in the company of my ex-girlfriend, and if you know me, i used to speak quite lowly of her (sorry Carol, if you ever read this). that practice, along with isolating my current affairs, are going to change in the coming weeks/months. so yeah, Carol and i went on a 'date,' although it cannot be called one, considering she has a boyfriend. mcdonalds breakfast, starbucks ,movie, in & out lunch, good times all around. i started to rethink the way i nonchalantly deny people access to my private life, and how dumb it was for me to do so. in the past week or two, i've been divulging info to certain people, including her, that i had hesitated to acknowledge in the past. it's just not healthy to bottle it up.
today was a really good day. i'm a little bit happier now. work didn't even phase me today, as i just dicked around and had a good time earning my $8.30 an hour. my cute co-worker Anh, whom i hope to get in a few dates with over the summer, was there today, which brightened my day further. co-worker Matt was around as well, and we actually we conversed, which made this day all the more worthwhile. he caught me 'mackin' on Anh, although i'd consider it just normal, friendly conversation, and he highly approved of her. when i rolled up to him (literally, i was in a rolling chair), i commented on how HOT the girl that sat across from him today was (refer to blog entry dated 4/15/2003), he had me laughing because he agreed, but also said that she was sexy, but dim. hahah. apparently, she's a ditz. eh, good enough for me, hah. he went on to say that Anh is quite the looker and encouraged me to get in on that. thats what i'm looking forward to this summer, going out with Anh. and getting a new job. mmm, money. still not sure about summer school, maybe i'll elect to skip it this year.
additionally, i think i'll be taking up cigarette smoking as something of a mild habit. i basically need something to do during my breaks at work, and smoking with co-workers sounds appealing to me. bah.

at the beginning of this year, i had a goal to find a bunch of places in my area that i can retreat to and draw or think. i found one yesterday when i was walking around the capitol mall area. this place looks like the yerba buena gardens in san francisco (but more low key), and has a couple of walkways and benches to sit on. a gang of extreme bikers where riding around, which made it seem much cooler.
the other 'secret spot' that i wanted to retreat to once in a while was a rest stop out in truckee. got this idea after going up there to snowboard for the first time. peaceful and quiet. too bad gas prices are ludicrous right now. bahhh.
a couple of other places i wanted to check out was a spot along the river, or discovery park or something.

damn. where did all my hard drive space go? when i first got this laptop, max capacity was 27 gigs. within a month, i had already eaten up 6 gigs. i thought i could keep everything steady at 20.5 or so gigs, but all of sudden, i'm at 19.5...what the hell is taking up a whole gig that i don't know of?
...wait. never mind. the second i ejected the disc of warez i just archived, the space that i used to copy the files onto the CD-R returned to normal. hah. man, i was really scared for a moment. stupid RAM caches.
it seems my run on blogger will last a little bit longer than i originally intended, since i don't want to re-instate the SNAP section of my website. i'm trying to figure out a new design for both the main page and my personal blogspace, which i'm renaming AV. it's supposed to be short for Audia/Visuo. since mp3's aren't allowed on the server space, i won't be able to use the "audia" portion of the intended sub-section. i pretty much wanted AV to be a blog/photo/music dump site. write my thoughts, post a pic, provide music download. i'll see about circumventing the rules on mp3 uploads. for the people, but the people, ya know.

found out today that my ex-girlfriend is engaged. shes not even 18 yet (damn, that doesn't make me look too good, now does it). i feel so inadequate now. i mean, if i had held onto her hard enough (i have the horrible tendency to give up on girls if things don't go my way), maybe it could have been me proposing to her. but then again, i remember that i base some of my dating philosophy on the "tomcat" ideology: date as many girls, and don't let any of them settle you down. yes, now i feel better about myself. if she believes he's the one and is truly ready for this kind of a commitment, then doggonit, go for it. i never let past feelings deter my current choices in life. i don't want to jinx anything, but i don't foresee it lasting. nothing against them, but damn, marriage? all kinds of things can happen at this stage of life that such a choice can easily fall apart and leave you more than just heartbroken. eh.
on a lighter note, my relatives are moving in with us until their house gets built. we owe it to them to open our home to them, since they did the same for us when we first moved to Sacramento. it'll be cool rooming with my cousin Dobhie. as long as he's not a snorer. maybe it'll bring our families closer together, just like back when we were younger. in the years since the early 90's we all grew apart into our separate paths in life. JR to filmography, Dobhie into DJ'ing, Fred into working, Geno into the cool guy, Alan into the pimp, Bryan into the geek, me into arts, and everyone just growing apart. sure, we'd get together and kick it (although i missed out on a lot of that), but we were of differing thoughts and minds. seems like everything is coming full circle though, as we've all grown up, and those childhood dreams are becoming reality for some. just wished life could be simpler. maybe when we're all settled, we can have frequent get-togethers and just hang out like adults. that'd rock. can't wait to live out the rest of my life in comfortable security. enough of this CHANGE bullshit.

work seems to get more interesting by the day. so i'm fresh off a day of nearly perfect snowboarding, finally feeling the pains of tumbling down a mountain for 6 hours. i'm sore in nearly every muscle. it feels great. started an early work shift, since its spring break here. turns out the potluck i thought we were going to have was postponed til wednesday, and i bought two buckets of KFC chicken in vain. oh well, got plenty of people wondering who's chicken was sitting on the potluck table. i think i've even caught the attention of the HOTTEST girl working in my area, too. because of the my misinformation, she initiated conversation about it. i felt like a dumbass most of the day today because of that damned postponed potluck. good thing it all balanced out at the end of the day. co-worker Matt had me laughing most of the time with his remarks and the accents he kept playing with all day. learned a new workload, so i won't be stuck looking for something to do. and then, the moment that made the whole day worthwhile:
so the HOT girl is getting ready to end her shift, and i'm up to get some work to do. i walk up to a cart of work thats a few feet away from her desk, and she walks to her desk, looks at me and tells me not to forget my buckets of chicken. we smile, shortly laugh, i thank her for reminding me, god knows i would have most likely forgotten. i grab my work, go back to my desk and get back to work, i'm already behind. i spot her from the corner of my peripheral vision, making her way towards my desk. i look up, and she's standing next to me, asking if i would like a piece of the cake she brought for her group's potluck. it's strawberry. i gladly accept. i look at Matt, and he cheers me on saying, "way to go Rodney!", much to my embarassment. she hand's me a fairly big piece of frosted strawberry shortcake, and goes back to her desk to get ready to go. Matt says to her, "where's the love?", hoping to get some attention from the most beautiful girl in IVS. i place the cake next to my computer and get back to work. even with my headphones on with rock music blaring, i can hear this vixen ask me, "you're the guy that brought the chicken, right?" confirming her thoughts, or prolonging our encounter? i say yes, she laughs, and leaves for the day. Matt says as she walks away for the third time, "damn, she can't get enough of you," adding an unnerving dance that only a white man can do. i try to hide the smile on my face, and were i lighter skinned, you would have seen me blushing. i think i'm smitten. never used that word before. sounds appropriate, considering the circumstances. c'mon now, if the most drop-dead gorgeous girl were to fawn a little bit of attention on the quiet and reserved guy (me), while the outgoing and humorous guy (Matt) sits idly by to witness such a contradictory moment, wouldn't your head be over your heels?

one more thing, snowboarding trip yesterday was the greatest. not just because of the weather (it lightly snowed), but because it was a gathering of friends that haven't been in the same place together since spring break last year. the fun factor completely made the day complete. although i didn't get to hit a run with Lance all day, i was able to ride with ron, orlando, and jun, several times. we were TEARIN' UP THE BUNNY SLOPE. nothing beats that.

RIDE!!!!!!
tomorrow looks to be one of the best snowboarding trips this season. the snow conditions havent looked this good since i first went to alpine meadows in january. yessss. that fool orlando wants to race me down the mountain. he does not know what he's getting into. he thinks that since he got two extra days of boarding in since the last time we've boarded together, that he's at my level...or worse, surpassed me. ha! i will be a demon on the slopes. makes me want to splurge and buy my own board/boots/bindings NOW. arhelkaj;fkl;dsa

sub-central has resurfaced, and optica has just breathed it's first breath of new life. i'm in reVISION mode once more. been chatting with Master Wil, interacting with one of the iconic figures of my early days of arthood. still figuring life out. i have a crevice in my jaw. fun times, my friends.

sadly, i find this to be hilarious. click this

theres 2500 gigabytes of available data to download on Limewire right now, and i have nothing to download. how pathetic is that. yes, this weekend just keeps getting better and better.

mmmmm. the taste of blood is so...refreshing. i think i swallowed at least 5 blood clots in the past 24 hours. it feels like my digestive system is rejecting the excessive amounts of blood i've swallowed and i'm slowly dying. that would suck, because i finally got a copy of photoshop 7 to work with. amador said my breath would reek of death, and indeed it has. this really does suck.
camera...i want a digital camera... must... vainly.... display myself... on the internet... to... boost... my... ego. but i could sure use a digital imaging device for more than just that.
whats sucks the most about my current predicament is that half of the entire family has come by tonight, and my mom cooked tons of food to feed them. i can only eat one dish out of the dozen's cooked. DAMMMITTTTTTT. i better lose 10 pounds after this ordeal is over, so i can gain it all back.

holy crap. i was snooping around in my workhorse-of-a-website on geocities, and found a crapload of my old web designs. hell, i forgot i even did most of them. at least i know i have some kind of portfolio of work hidden away somewhere, and i'm currently in the process of archiving them onto my computer for future reference. actually, i'm quite proud of most of these designs, and i'm going to try and format them to be PC friendly.
heres the link to all of my 'creations' of ages past:
Acoustic Expression (the Dashboard Confessional days)
Emocore: Dig it Sucka ('emo' inspired)
Interim: Nothing's Permanent (winter theme)
vision imperial (a partial design)
too bad liquid2k sucks balls, because i think i have at least one design sitting in my old account. sub-central.com had my current "maverick" theme, but its all kaput now. oh well.
No Brainer is the current design. really simplistic, took me 45 minutes or so. really sucks, too. hahahahahahha.

PAINNNNN. Not that bad though. Just the left side of my jaw hurts because the wisdom tooth on that side was the one that was growing at an almost perpendicular angle. i'm trying to sleep the day away, but the gauze pads get to annoying to deal with. man, i could really go for good foods, rather than the prospect of cold soup and smoothies. bahhhh.
what i wanted to do, since i'm not supposed to talk (it'll strain the muscles trying to recuperate), i was going to get some speakers and connect them to my laptop and type what i wanted to say and make the computer speak the text. Hawkings style, baby.

blargh. just finished up eight hours of work today. apparently, i won't ever be furloughed (sent home due to lack of work) now that i learned a new workload. yay, i think? i think i can play hooky with work every so often, since my boss is pretty laid back. shouldn't over-do it, though. seems plans are confirmed for a snowboarding trip monday, april 14. that'll be a day i'll have to find a really clever excuse to get out of work. still thinking about the foolproof plan to pull it off. must confirm with ron about those discounted ski lift/rental package coupons, for i will try to invite a friend to snowboard with us.
T-Minus 11 hours, 15 minutes, 54 seconds until pure pain and havok will be wreaked upon my mouth, my wisdom teeth in particular. hopefully i can get the doc to hook me up with some painkillers like vicodin. that way i can pop those pills even after the pain is gone. drug addiction, here i come.
i was inflicted with the most heinous paper cut today. of all the injuries that could draw blood, these damned paper cuts seem to be the most painful. oh the irony of enormous pain coming from miniscule lacerations.

thoughts are running rampant with ways to ditch work, lying in pain, and why i can't seem to finish any drawings i do lately. jfdkl;ajfslkjflda.

geeze. i applaud Jaime for the audacity to attempt pranks on April Fool's Day. it's sophomoric, but it definitely made me laugh. props.
this monkey's antics include sending each of the sQuiD members a special edition of the newsletter announcing the disbanding of our group. sure, we discussed the idea recently, and we even went so far as to agree that dissolution of the union was imminent, but we didn't officially agree to anything. when i read the e-mail, i was automatically confused, because i thought a decision had been made without my knowledge. i quickly realized it was a joke. you see, i don't give a second thought on the purpose of April 1st, and Jaime easily exploited that thought. i'm quite sure most people would fall for it just as easily.
his second act was to post a message on his website (yes, i browse it quite frequently) announcing that he's being deported. another good shot. nearly had me there. sure, he's a resident alien, and sure he could be deported for any number of reasons, but you slipped when you showed 'evidence' of the deportation with the 'scanned' document. it is possible to find a copy of government documentation online, and he ruined the illusion by changing the documents fields with your own entries, but using a different typeface...
enough of the fool's day shennanigans.

i'm tired. work is losing its appeal. working less hours, making less money, debt is rising. but the cuties that i work with are still there. pros and cons, i hate them.

well, i'm back. back to the old blog like a crack whore to the blow dealing pimp daddy. giving head just to get through the withdrawals. yes, i relish in the use of disgusting analogies. the real reason of my return to blogspot space is because sub-central is currently down for reasons unknown to me.

lets move things...forward, as that pitiful brit rapper-wannabe says in that song. ugh. uhm yeah.
well, it seems my mind state is starting to focus on my long term goals and shit. namely, getting out of Sacramento and into a school in southern California. since i have no chance of making it into a UC, i figured i can settle and try and get into a CSU. when Ryan or whoever it was said that Veteran's Affairs doesn't cover private college tuition, i simply decided FUCK THAT against going to Cogswell or any technical school. besides, their tuition is far more expensive than that of a state school. i try to do everything i can to alleviate any financial hardship on my parents. but they seem to endure through all that.
my current choices are falling between CSU San Marcos (somewhere north of San Diego), and San Diego State University. I don't think i'll go for SDSU, seeing as how my cousin Jaclyn went there and promptly returned within the semster. so San Marcos it is. sounds like a nice little town. anything than this little town. but i digress.

starting to scout around, searching for the things i'll need when i finally break loose from the 'womb' and try to make it on my own. that Ford Focus doesn't seem any closer, but thats not a big deal. i'm mostly concerned about whether i should buy a digital camera or DV camcorder that has digital still imaging. i'd definitely save money, but sacrifice portability. decisions, decisions. basically, i'm trying to center my solo life around the use of hi-tech tools, with my iBook as the hub to bind it all together. the digital lifestyle, as Apple puts it. fitting, i think.
oh yeah, i believe my major will be illustration, or multimedia/web design. anything that'll allow me to free the creative thoughts i've imprisoned. i'll most likely choose the multimeda path to enlightenment.
at the same time that i am planning my emancipation, i'm also thinking of all these luxuries i can install into my current environment, including studio lights and an art desk. and i have this wacky idea of buying a projector and hooking it up to my laptop so i could watch movies projected onto my wall or some kind of screen i'll install into the ceiling. its pretty wild. you should see the setup i want to use if i were to put an in-room theater system to work. i'm also contemplating networking my macs to the new pc downstairs. so much work to do.

and how do i plan to pay for such lavish add-ons? hell if i know. but i plan to get a job at the apple store opening at arden fair mall. it's destiny, i say. well, not really. you see, such a lucrative job has its ups and downs. for one, its in arden, thats quite the commute. just as bad as as commuting to my current job. but its the mall, plenty of reason to be there anyway. but...i'd potentially be working in the same area as Claudia, not someone i would hope to bump into every so often. things are bad enough as they are, but seeing her every day i work? shit. another cool thing is that the bulk of the Starbucks in Sacramento that are wirelessly connected to the Internet are downtown and in the arden area, so i have plenty of places to retreat to if i need a quick net fix.
so, i've got to get started on looking for a job, like now. work at FTB will probably end in May, unless i quit before that. thats a nice idea. wouldn't want to get fired like the other job. ugh, i'm still disgusted by the thought of the racquet club.

i have made the decision to never tell any of my friends about my current romantic affairs, or lack thereof. theres always some kind of confusion that leads to poorly formulated hypotheses. assumption is the mind killer... or is that fear? definitely assumption. well, the exception to whom i would share such things would be Big Jon, since i've known him longer and can depend on him to keep it to himself. besides, he doesn't kick it with our circle very often, so the confusion is minimal. the most i'll do is probably hint at some goings-on, but nothing more. y'all are too stupid to comprehend, but i love ya anyway.

i think i'll start drifting away from socializing with friends and folks, since their presence is usually a deterrent to whatever i need to get done. sure, i'll make time to hang out with friends and girls, but less than usual. need time to structure the rest of my college life so i can actually graduate before i'm 24 or something. if my social life suffers, so be it. besides, 'socializing' with my current circle of friends isn't what it used to be, and that realization is starting to set in and is highly embittering. the glossy sheen on life's exterior is starting to fade and depreciate in value. damn, i'm starting to sound emo again. crap. i hope this jaded side of me isn't rubbing off on the ladies, i mean lady, i mean...yeah. nothing. holy shit, i think it is. i better quit this before i grab my guitar and start playing in an ear-splitting reverie of angst towards the opposite sex and disillusionment of life.

"...found a box of sharp objects what a beautiful day...."
-The Used

until optica goes back online, you'll catch me here.

Uh, yeah.

I've realized that in a mere week, I think I have single-handedly lost a job, and a girl. I'm being a dick lately, in my thoughts and most likely my actions. I suppose thats my personal reaction to the world when it gets too fucked up for me to adapt to. On top of that, I have nothing funny or witty to write. Damn.

Heh, I got fired from my first job today. Finally, I'm free of the bullshit that was requisite with that horrible place. $6.75 and hour to deal with uptight white people? No thank you.