ANARCHIS DES TOROS

so last night was the first of many nights to come, where liquor would be the way of celebrating the full legalization of my compatriots. i don't think i even drank that much last night, but i was definitely trashed by the end of night. it was a blast, BigJon came out, Ale dropped by late, PM3 was already buzzed when i got there, AWESOMENESS x5. the last i remember was sitting down on Jen's couch... and then opening my eyes at 6:30am. HAHAHAH.

and by now, the lucky bastards that are going to Coachella are either leaving or getting ready to go. FUCK. i'll be missing many of my favorite bands that will be performing at the 2 day concert. more injury to the insult is that i tried calling Miss #1, but as before, my call was in vain. no pick up. oh well.

BRING ON THE MUTHAFUCKIN PARTIES.

Not so fresh, but mostly clean

so i'm pretty much fully back in sacramento. a part of me was still in san diego, soaking up the atmosphere and 98+ degree weather. i was here physically, but a portion of my soul is always in SD. chillin with family for a day and a half was great, it always is. when we got to clairemont, i woke up my little cousin (who's not so little anymore, fuck, his voice is deepening!) and played some m:tg, and then set up my gamecube to play FF:CC... until 7:30 in the morning. it was fucking awesome. the next day, the whole family got together to celebrate my niece's (Mai) christening. afterward, the whole Fabila clan headed back to clairmont for my uncle's birthday party. this time, i was able to get another of my cousins to play FF:CC with us, and we bashed the fuck out of the game.
despite the meager amount of drama my mom was trying to get me into with my san diego family, they were really cool about everything. for one, when we got there on friday night, my mom went off on how i smoke and drink and blah blah blah. my uncle was real cool about it and handed me a beer. and most of the family doesn't care that i would smoke; it's really a more conscious family than say, the corpuz side.
i'm still astounded by the experience of being around my fabila family. the rugrat cousins play with their nieces, the toddlers freely jump on my back, its great.

now, back to sacramento life. the daily hum-drum of work and school. i think i'm off hiatus mode now, and it falls in perfectly with tomorrow since work was called off for that day. nolan's birthday is coming up, and then my own birthday celebration. i think may will be a good month, although i've got a truckload of school work to handle and the work situation is looking bleak. rebel rock, yo!

i just need to keep a couple of things in mind before alchoholism totally destroys my memory capacity.
1. get back into art or die trying
2. buy a mini-fridge to store my future caches of booze
3. website redesign
4. make sure i have enough money to get to san diego comic con
5. play more video games

ESCAPE FROM SACRAMENTO

going to san diego tomorrow. YAY. i can't wait, really. anywhere but here. this whole week, i got probably a total of 20 hours of sleep? i'm SOOO COOL. barely ate, too. and now, i'm all kinds of physically out of sync, to the point of working on crucial projects IN THE CLUTCH. hopefully, when i get back, things will get back to their normal hum-drum pace and i'll get healthy sleep and social activity. HIATUS MODE ends when i get back, y'all. next thursday is the official start of the taurean festivities, where i'm bound to get drunk from weekend to weekend until i drop dead. fucking awesome. LET'S ROCK!

The gloves are off.

Dearest friends,


I hate to say it (yet at the same time, I revel in the prospect), but I'm going to be on a serious hiatus from now on. Until when? I don't know for sure. Maybe come April 30 or May 3. Which ever works out best. Reason? I don't really feel I owe anyone a reason, but I may as well, because I might get a flood (more like trickle) of communique from folks calling me out. In a week, I've got a 10 page research paper due that I've got to start on which I should have been working on all semester. The late night kick-its did not help me get started on this at all. This is serious crunch time, friends. Although I abhor the idea of continuing school, I need to at least pass my classes this semester so I won't be any farther behind than I already am.

Spring break SHOULD have been at least 5 days dedicated only to work, this research paper, and video games. Instead I'm looking back on it and I'm seeing that nothing happened as hoped. So now I hate everything. This random assortment of days, albeit fun, have probably been the worst time for me to attempt to live. I'm not supposed to be out late hanging out. I'm not supposed to be spending money for the benefit of entertaining me and my friends. I'm not supposed to be social. As much as I want to be there for each and every one of you through thick and thin, I can't. I know I'm going to regret even trying to achieve some kind of passing grade, and I know I'll regret not being there for thing even more. But this has to be done.

I thought I had found my focus this year, the set path I must walk to make something of myself, but in finding that focus, a lot of my previous priorites were fucked to the moon and back. What I did was just delude myself, fooled myself into thinking that the objective was clear. Instead, my mind is fucking TORN, and I've been more indecisive about even the LITTLE things more than I ever have.

To tell you the truth, the next two weeks will probably fuck me up worse than any girl, academic grade, or drugs ever had. So. This is goodbye.

But don't take this as me backing out of any allegiances and promises I've made, because I will come back to rip shit up. Just not now, or anytime in the immediate future. I won't be online to chat from now on, nor will I be frequenting any message boards you would normally see me in. I won't be answering the call to go out and have fun. I won't waste anymore of anyone else's time. However, I will answer e-mails, if ever I get them.

Alex: I'm still dedicated to the cause, but I know you'll move right along with or without me to lend some kind of supporting role. Be thankful Rob is just as stalwart (or even more so) than I. The month of May will see my return to rock out. I'll get you that $30 for the comic boards somehow.

Rob: I didn't forget the track you want me to spit lyrics on, I've worked on it a little bit. I'll leave it up to you, Alex, and Ryan to keep the forums alive while I'm in self-exile.

Ryan/Nolan/Nick: Keep me posted on the development of your works, especially the track I'm supposed to battle Blithe.

Jun: Seeing as how you haven't answered the last TF challenge, here's the answer:
1. Megatron/Prime
2. Megatron/Starscream
3. Jetfire (Skyfire)/Starscream
4. Omega Supreme/Devastator (Constructicons)
5. Omega Supreme/Astrotrain
6. Metroplex/Trypticon
7. Fortress Maximus/Scorponok

-Rod

Drunk Hand DROP!

odd inside joke aside, this week has been nuts. wednesday and thursday night were the stage for life altering experiences. wednesday, saw eternal sunshine with the homies, and that definitely gave me a new perspective (and leash) on life and love. needless to say, LOVE is the only goal now, none of the games and emotional bullshit. she's got to be the one or none.

thursday. holy hell, thursday. a new direction has been proposed for the betterment and evolvement of ourselves, thanks to the wildman X. i told the man, all i'm waiting for is for him to start the revolucion, and i'll be there to provide ammo... and he has lit the match. DOOM I SAY! crush them like rice cakes!

drunken shenanigans are off the hook!

Weeeeiiiiird Week.

This has been a fairly long and taxing week, and it's bound to get extremely more taxing Friday night. FUCK. Hell, today has been pretty fucking long a day. Monday and Wednesday were 8 hour shift days, just so I can move my hours around and work a 4 hour shift on Friday. However, Monday was still an opportunity to kick it with the folks at Pat's house. Good times, our 'family' of friends met a new addition to the crowd, Ralphie. Ralphie rocks.
Anthony is on spring break this week, and him, Ryan, Jaime, Nolan, and I went out to WinCo that night to score the crowd some booze.

Wednesday, I actually got to go to my morning communication studies class. Kicked it after class with Terell for a minute, conversed about gravity bongs and spring break plans.

Thursday, I had to finish up a 4 page essay for my other comm studies class, essentially scrambling my thinking processes for the rest of the day. After class, Dave and I kicked it the rest of the day. We wandered from the schools library, to the cafeteria/union, and back to the library. Dave got to meet Sherly, and they conversed for a while in their native Indonesian languages. Groovy. Oh yeah! I got two essentially unexpected calls, one from Shannon giving me directions for her party Friday night, and one from my buddy in Florida, Travis (Diabolicol). After those calls, and after Dave got plenty of foreign language exercise in with Shmerl, Dave and I rolled out to Laguna to KB Toys and Borders. Saw Her #6 (the Jailbait) at Borders. One more instance of weirdness to add to my week. Not to mention Alex called me earlier in the day and didnt leave a message; I ended up calling the number back and speaking briefly with Alex's grandmother.
And now, there's another kick-back at Pat's, which I've chosen to skip. Tired. Weird week. Need to recuperate. Or something!

Friday night is going to involve a step back into a weird chapter of my night, Shannon's party will most likely have Her #2 attending. Along with her current beau. And me with my standard crew of homies. No girl to show her up and show that I've gotten along without her. Oh well! I can show her that I've become badass in the time since and astound her with my destructive habits of smoking and drinking. Yeah, that'll impress her REAL well.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFKCFKCKFUCKF
It's 9am. I've got a job interview with the Department of Justice at 11:30am. I've got one class at 10:00-10:50am. I've got work scheduled at 12:30pm. I'm doing barrel rolls in the stratosphere. I'MFUCKINGDOOMED.

Good fuckin-Times

Monday- worked, earned my $7.80 an hour, came home. A kick-it at Jen's was a-brewin, but alas, I was condemned by my parents. But I got my paycheck, so it panned out somehow.

Tuesday- school. talked to Dave, was finally able to convince him that I could give him a ride home. came home, talked to several folks about pulling a guerilla kick-back in lieu of me not being able to last night. I rounded up Pat and Jaime, the responsible adults of the group, and had them buy some booze to get the night rolling. We try to hunt down Alex, but came up empty. We try to 'invade' Jen's house on our own, but failed. So we dropped by Robert's and picked him and Nick up. We make it to Jen's place, with booze and Playstation2 ready. This time, we're able to get in with Robert's help, and wait for Jen to get home from work. She is greeted with liquor and cigarettes. Jasmine and Kiel eventually show up, bringing Pat some lau-lau. BOMB-ASS FOOD. Jaime and I head out early, but not with consuming a healthy supply of beer.

Wednesday- more work.

Thursday- I skip one of my classes because I left my wallet at work and had to drive all the way out to Bradshaw rd. to retrieve it. I get home and chat with Rob and Pat, who are down to get another night of kicking it organized. All in all, I leave Jen's early once again, but this time, not in time to see more people arrive.

Friday- work is just a 6 hour delay from a party night. Jasmine/Jamie are throwing a house party/bbq for their older sister. Ryan goes balls out and attends, and we stop by the 'Philippines" on Mack rd. to pick up two cases of San Miguel. It turned out to be one of those perfect kick-back nights: fair weather, barbecque, beers, and our old friend Mary. Ryan, Jaime, and I leave around 1am, but the night didn't turn out bad at all. Needless to say, the presence of cute female guests made the shindig a better time.

Saturday- I wake up with the slight after-effects of Miss Mary's charm, but I'm urged to action when Leo calls to trade his Wacom tablet for my Gameboy. DEAL. Talk to Alex, and I help him hitch a ride with Ryan/Jaime to Rob's house. After a shower, I'm ready to hang out at Rob's as well. Slightly dislocated from the rest of reality, I pull together to become the driver to yet another night of festivities. Alex, Jaime, Rob, and I drop by Jen's work (Steve's Pizza) to eat pizza and drink beer. In short time, the four of us are buzzed and laughing. Freudian slips here, manly contests of eating food topped with chili there, it was a GOOD TIME. Alex makes calls, and finally convinces me to head downtown for a night of Sacramento's second Saturdays. Re:Vibe is a bust, but we walk over to Infusion to find the place is packed beyond capacity for an open mic night. I bump into some of the folks (Elisa , Henry, Brian, Renato), as well the kind of people that can destroy and uplift your self-esteem. The "Hers." We cut out early; I knew I couldn't step up to the pressure of the moment. Instead, we head back Souf and pick up Jen. A quick liquor run and gas-up, and back downtown to kick-it at Alex's we go. He makes some calls, and we find that Ada is kicking back with friends at her place. A short drive later, and we're somewhere off Broadway, and hot-boxing an office room and talking Lockeian.

A productive week, no?

ProtoTYPICAL
So I want to register to vote. My former 'independent thinker' values have been shot to shit.
What am I to do!? I'm a punk rockstar at heart, but now I'm going all soft and corporate. What. The. Fuck. All my seething enmity for the System, gone. My paranoia of "the Man" and "Big Brother" one step behind me, and now I want to go straight to the horse and stick my HAND down it's mouth. Genious.

It's weird how i go through these retarded phases of "I know what I want out of life, I know what the next step must be" and then "I've lost my way, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life." I'm in a funk similar to the latter. And nothings going to make it any better with the sordid girl 'problems' I slog through.

So, from now on, take my advice and shit-bricks of wisdom with precaution and apprehension; I officially don't know what the FUCK I'm saying half the time. Also, I will be turning off my "I give a damn" sensors for the most part, unless of course I'm actually telling you, "yes, I give a damn." Think of it as a LOOONNG reboot for my brain, because I need to figure shit out one step at a time. Although, time is running out.

Leo called me tonight and mentioned the chance of me getting a job at Albertson's with him. AWESOME. Two jobs at once, righteous. If i can figure out this situation, and somewhow have both, I might be on my way to moving out. Or something. Let's hope and pray.

This Tuesday rocked, barely school to contest with, and a night-cap of kicking it with the usual crowd, knocking back some drinks. Now I can survive this week with confidence.

On a highly unrelated note, I'm trying to give up beef for the rest of Lent (and hopefully the rest of the year), seeing as how I failed to quit smoking for the mean-time. And besides, I like chicken. YUM.

The Abnormal Swing of Things

I woke up at 8 am to drop off my younger sister and cousin off to school, and promptly shuffled my half-conscious ass back to bed. In the three odd hours of sleep I caught, I had possibly the BEST dream in a while. It is in these few hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I seem to formulate the most enriching dream sequences. But this morning, all the lovey-dovey-perfect-world dreams were TOPPED. This latest dream involved Ms. #1, in what seemed like the beginnings of a playful friendship. ALMOST along the lines of "My Perfect Love Story" (6/23/2003). Which made the dream THAT much more compelling.
It was a party at my house, where I played host and party-goer, introducing friends and getting mad buzzed. Co-workers and friends alike mingled in a swirl of liquor and laughter. And then.
The party comes to a dead halt, as the one person walks in that becomes the center of the moment. HER (#1). She's arrived, although I have no idea whether I had invited her, with a cadre of her friends. Her group easily homogenizes with the party, and the house livens. I say hi, and she smiles and we exchange small talk briefly. Then, something happens, a drunken participant spills their cup on me, soaking me in beer. It's ok, I'm drunk, shit happens. I walk into my room, and it has been invaded with a small party on it's own. Oddly, I'm pleased, but the slight crowd makes it a bit difficult for me to get to my dresser drawer to find new clothes. I stumble on and around those hanging out in my room, and finally make it to the dresser. I open a drawer, and look to my left to see HER sitting on the floor. Everyone in the room now notices that beer was spilled on me, and several of them leave the room to give me space to change clothes. Oddly, the JayZ/Pharrell song plays in the background at this moment. As I rifle through my clothes for a fresh shirt, she's still sitting on the floor next to me. We converse, from small talk to gossip. I delay switching shirts, and decide to sit down next to her and talk some more. At this point, the brilliant soul of hers shines through, as we laugh and share a moment of slightly-inebriated happiness. I stand up, and pull her off the ground and for a quick moment she is in my arms. Feeling awkward, we seperate quickly. I turn around and hurriedly change shirts. She makes fun of me, saying that I'm scared to change in front of a girl, and pokes me in the side. As I pull my shirt down, I turn around and smile. I playfully poke her back, returning the favor. We begin to lightly rough-house, from pokes to tickles, and laugh drunkenly. We realize suddenly that we're the only ones in my room. DEJA fuckin VU. We sit down on my bed, and I begin to gather myself together to tell her that which I've bottled up for years.

I wake up realizing that I'm late for class.

I walked into class today to find that our study groups had formed, and all we had to do for the day was review material for Thursdays midterm. We were free to leave whenever we wanted. My group adjourns 45 minutes before class normally ends, and I wander the campus to ponder things. Eventually, I decide not to leave campus to run errands, and I run into Elissa in the music/arts wing. I talk to her for a few minutes, as well as Ryan on the phone with her. I walk with her back to the reading/writing lab, and make my way to my history class. One hour and 15 minutes later, I give Dave a lift home, and finally return home. Now, the night is up in the air, and the sky seems to be the limit. ROCK ON.

Productivity

Today was good, this is true. Although everyday is not without it's regular routines of being slaved, today was still good. Went to church, didnt really give a damn, so I rocked what i wore yesterday as well as my glasses. No one to impress, nor do I expect to impress anyone anytime soon. Finished up chores, including mowing the lawn. The weather is finally shifting to the sweet sweet air of spring. I wore shorts today, a sign of this change. We were out of petro for the mower, so I had to drive out to the nearest gas station and buy it myself. No big deal. After getting some gas, I dropped by Jen's place, only to catch her on her way off to work. However, I really dropped by Jen's to see how Rob was doing from last night's spree of liquor consumption. Needless to say, ol' boy was quite hung-over. Kicked it for a bit with him, smoked a 'square,' rolled on home. Finished mowing, and got word from Rob that he didn't need a ride home. Instead, Pat drops me a message online, asking if I'd bring him to Adam's to pick something up. Sure thing, bucko. I swoop up Pat, and we cruise out to Adams. Spent a good 20 or so minutes, smoked a bit more, chit-chatted until sundown. I drop Pat off, then get home to eat some dinner. And now... I'm actualyl doing art! HOLY shit. Page one of an intended 24 page comic.

Game Over

This night was going soooo well, too. REWIND:
Woke up late, gave my baby (my car) a wash. Felt good. This bitch was ready to go cruise tonight.
Got in touch with several folks that afternoon, getting the word about the parties going down that night. I hurried and did whatever chores I had to do to appease the parental units, built credit to buy a night out. I hurried to finish some "extracurriculars", and proceeded to Kinko's and get them printed by way of Amador's graces. Alex met up with me at Kinko's, the first of the crew to roll in tonight's party wagon. Jaime gives me a ring, telling me he's in Natomas, so we wait him out until he get's home. I drop off my work to my cousin Junior, and head back to my house so Alex can drop off his car. We pick up Jaime, the second of the usual suspects. After a bit of deliberation, we drop by Robert's house, to try and add him to the wagon or determine how things are going to go down tonight. Robert calls up Jen's work, so we can figure out whether we can grab her and head to a party or two. So we make our way to where Jen works, pick her up, and then drop by the gas station and Winco. We buy smokes, Jaime buys Rob a bottle of Jagermeister. The PARTY is ready to roll.
First party, David Kincannon's going away party (he's going into the Navy). Alex and I prophesize that this party will be nothing but yet another sausagefest. I get us lost in the Vintage Park area. Fuck Elk Grove. We finally roll up to the right place and enter. Lo and behold, the crowd there is nearly a 1:1 ratio of girl and guy. Not to mention I see a couple of old friends, namely Shawn Thompson and Rachel Guitierrez (sp?). It's a cool couple of minutes we spend at David's party, but we're itching to hit up the next venue. Next place to drop by for the night: Jasmine's.
We leave David's party, got lost some more in Vintage Park. ELK GROVE WILL BURNNN. The wagon's rolling pretty deep with Alex, Jaime, Rob, Jen, and I. Alex forgot to hit the bathroom before we left...this is the crucial event that shifts the night's conclusion (for me at least). We return to my house so Alex can pick up his car and head either home or to Jasmines. He needed to take a piss real bad, so I open the garage and let him in to use the potty. To my surprise, the mercedes is in the garage...meaning my family is still home. REJECTION. I can't go out as I hoped, now that I've shown my face in the house. It's 1 am, my mom concludes, I can't go out anymore. My night has officially met it's end. So Rob, Jen, and Jaime have to transfer over to Alex's car, or not go at all. Of course they have to go, they have no reason not to. Alas, I am home-ridden, my credits have run out.
After a heartfelt departure with my would-be party mates, I proceed home with my head and heart hung low.

I suppose theres a balance here somewhere, seeing as how my older sister, Cheryl, has gone out of town to party with the girl cousins. Where one sibling can stay out, the other must stay home. And don't even get me started on my younger sister; that's a whole different matter.

So, to those that got to party at Jasmine's with Kiel, Adam, Pat, and whomever got to roll through: PARTY HARD FOR ME. I can't be redeemed now, the EMO has taken me in it's dark grasp. Sigh.

The inevitable has come to pass

I've lost my man card. In front of, and to Alex, no less. And the day was going quite well, too...
So, I was able to rally Ryan and Alex to the Aceyalone/Visionaries concert, the big night that we could let loose a bit, and for me to see HER (#1). It was going down pretty well, hadn't caught sight of her during the Visionaries set, and Alex and I wander outside after their performance. We see Erwin chillin outside, waiting for a way to get into the show. See, Erwin is the folks, and he's trying to sneak in because the rest of his folks are in there, including mine and Alex's "unicorns." Eventually, Alex scores Erwin a way in, because one of his friends is working the door. So we're all in now, and Erwin shows us the way to where THEY are. So shit, the storm is brewin. I locate Ryan, and now we're rockin steady to Ace-one, within distance from HERs (Alex and mine, respectively). The show rocks socks, and when it ended, we're all chillin in the lobby. Alex is 'wooing' his, and I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm of mine.
Little did I know, the family connection has surfaced as I had hoped it wouldnt: Eric Nedora is there, and Henry (Geno's homie) is there as well. I retardedly mention the Hiero pictures I'm going to develop for her...and then, the disaster hits. I fumble my words, trying not to look like some fool perpetrator moving in on a girl in the midst of her folks. I verbally dance around the subject of trying to get her number, fully aware that there are people here who've known me for as long as I've lived in Sac, and that connection can MAKE or BREAK me. All the while I'm stumbling over my words, Henry sees through me and says, "Why don't you just ask for her number, man." AND HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I don't even look her in the eyes; I've already been defeated. The next few words I say were the words of a man that momentarily lost dignity. EH. I didn't get her number, end of story.
I've explained it already, BUT I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE. And that was like, 10 G of weight on my shoulder.

Half a year ago, Jaime and I claimed Alex's man card because of a similar situation, and now, karma strikes back, and I've lost mine to him. ARGH.

I'll live, but DAMN.

ICE COLD!

eh, who am I kidding. Damned EMO is leaking out again... I should have just stayed at Jen's, it was getting fun. The usual Thursday night crowd was there, the comfort zone was there. Alas, I've got priorities. Damned younger sister needs to CARPOOL her ass to school, I want to party and sleep in. Well whatever, I'm ranting and raving... see what a bombshell of a girl can do to one's thought processes? I find myself identifying with Alex everyday. EMO!

Fly little bird, as only your wings can send you

Fuck, its only Tuesday. What a way to get this week going. Yesterday was just the standard-fare-monday: school, 7 hours of work, a bit of chit-chatting with my classmate Terell before I headed out to make the money. He's a cool cat, might end up kicking it with him sooner or later outside of school.
Today, I got to hang out with Dave for a bit, get plans rolling for our history papers, and the normal talk. After talking to Dave, I headed over to Diana's and totally hung out with her for half an hour. On her bed. With her on it. OMG. It felt good to be around her again.
Oh, and I got several unexpected calls today, one of which from Shannon (former Connection staff-mate) telling me about a party at her and Pera's (!) place out in Chico. I want to go... but it's certain that Her #2 will be there. DILEMMA.
Another call was from Apple Computers about buying a warranty for my laptop (which will expire in a couple of days). Crap.
Later in the day, Alex called, and he eventually rolled by my place at late 7. We went to the store to get him a pack of smokes, Hollywood Video to 'surprise' Nolan, and eventually to Jen's kick it with Rob while Alex did his laundry there. And now. I've flown home, and I am still in the sky. Bye!

3, 2, 1, and the walls crumble

I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...

Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.

I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that look...like, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this afternoon...my phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.

...

...

...

I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.

To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.

Three days of mild mayhem

Thursday: Like a week or so back, Thursday played host to another kickback at Jens. It wasn't as action-packed as I hoped, but there were still a couple of cool moments to glean from that night. For a period of about 30 minutes, it was just me, Rob, and Pat as the only guys in the house. In this brief half-hour, the ratio of girl-to-guy was actually tipped in THEIR favor. Five girls, three guys. Holy moly. And not, like, barely-bonkable girls. Rob's former co-workers Erica & Jeanelle, their friend, and Diana & Cindy. We could have seriously had the dream orgy there. Hah. The rest of the night was just kickin it with the folks, drinking and smoking.

Friday: I opted not to work extra hours, because I was getting lazy. Instead, I just chilled at home. Being lazy. Jaime and Orlando came by for a bit, and later that night I eventually went out to meet up with the former sQuiD kids at Futami's in celebration of Ryan's coming birthday. In honor of my bestestest buddy's birthday, I take a shot of sake and drink some plum wine. Loosey-goosey. After dinner, Alex finally swings by, and we roll to Orlando's to kick it for the rest of the night. We try to plan for tomorrow, but nothing really came to mind.

Saturday: SQUAREone (continued). A rave. My first rave. It was pretty fun, considering the rave thing is not my scene. But it was coo nonetheless. The best part was that I was on the guestlist with most of my friends thanks to ol' boys Adam and Pat. The downer was that Ryan, Alex, Adam, and I weren't able to rock some live art in the rave as we had hoped. So now Adam's got a big piece of plywood that should have been painted on. However, it was a fun four hours or so of jumping around like I'm suffering from seizures, and smoking nearly a whole pack of Luckie Strikes. In FACT, we (Nolan, Ryan, Jaime, and I) were luckie bastards tonight, seeing as how we dodged the retribution of The Man tonight, but got to the rave late because of it (thus missing Nick's set, GRR).

ARGH

The internet is ALL KINDS of whacked out today. Right now I can't log into AIM, nor can I even access Friendster. What is a lazy and bored slacker, such as I, to do???

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Work has started once more for me. A break in the otherwise monotonous routine these past six months. But now that I've got a job I can consider stable income for the next few months, all of these financial woes are starting to come up. How am I going to figure out my budget? What can I consider 'want to buy' and 'need to buy?' First things first: debt. I've got debts piled on in several different directions. Credit card bill (respark), car insurance, car repairs (?), loyalty dues to the homies, gas, cell phone. URGH. And then there's the projected spenditures in the coming months. Coachella, San Diego, Las Vegas. Lastly, below all the important things, there are the small things... they're not as essential to me trying to live my life, but they're much cheaper in single amounts (although the little things add up).

so here's the preliminary equation to figuring out the next few months: $8 base pay x 20 hours worked per week = $160 x 4 weeks a month = $640, deduct taxes -> ~$550 x 4 months of work = $2200 - $400 of car insurance pay during those 4 months = 1800 - $200 for Coachella= $1600 - $500 for SDCC = $1100 - $330 for website bill = $770 or so for miscellaneous expenses.

that's not even figuring in my goal of gettin a snowboard ($300+). i am SOOO doomed this year.

on the flip side, today was maddeningly sweet. although i slept in and didn't get up in time to meet up with Dave to study (sorry about that, bud), i dropped on campus at just the right moments to run into some cool folks. for one, i walked up to the main building with Daryl Watson, one of the cooler comic artists i know of locally. we chit-chatted real quick, and i headed over to wait for my class to start. while waiting, i give a brief holla at HER (identification of the various girls i refer to will be described sooner or later). as usual, we have one of those pass-you-down-the-hall kinds of meetings consisting of:
"hi, how are you doing?"
"good, how about you"
"blah blah blah?"
"yeah, blah blah"
the quickness of the moment was still satisfying enough.
after class, i finally meet up with dave in the union, and meet one of his friends artist friends, Victor. nice guy, this Victor. i spot Henry and Dewon and discuss the events that went down at Henry's party, and shared a slight account of the shenanigans at Rob's. Jaime and Ryan come by Dave's table, and we kick it for a bit. All in all, I stick around campus and get to hang out with Jaime, Ryan, Nolan, Van, Dave, and Jen. Not bad at all.
all the lounging about actually almost had me running late to the first day of work, but i still managed to get in right on time. during work, i was actually able to spot HER #5, who i did not expect to be at FTB once again. needless to say, i'm fairly hyped up about this season of working.
then, when i got home, i checked my friendster account, and lo & behold... i get a message back from HER #2. ugh, i should really figure out which HER is HER. hah.

Ok. So. I'm a bit high. . . ?
I'm mostly coming down from the height, but earlier, it was like a complete replay of the experience of induced euphoria during the cabin. The same kind of feeling of "awakening" with each moment I blink, as if I'm entering a new state of consciousness everytime I re-focus my eyes. Trippiness is the exact definition. And then I almost returned to that fucked cycle of obsessive-compulsive thoughts that kept repeating, "dude, these thoughts you're thinking are GENIOUS, you MUST write them down to share to the WORLD!"
haahaha.
After those distinct states of euphoria abated, I become less 'loose' with my senses. Simultaneous feelings of fatigue and minor attention of sensations assaulted my thougts. Cool. Now, I'm just in that general sphere of reality where everything feels distant and disjointed from the 'reality' you think you're perceiving. Fuck, when I read this in the morning I won't have a DAMN clue of what I'm describing. It's coo. I'MHIGHFOO.