Monday, June 23, 2003

so i was thinking in the shower what my "soulmate" would be like. i'd want it to be some sappy, nearly cliché kind of romance, where the girl i have wanted all my life is the one that i denied. ya know, a girl that i, for some reason, saw as more of a friend than a lover. i would have met her almost randomly, probably a friend of a friend or mutual acquaintance, or maybe a near-complete stranger at the video store. and it would turn out that we've got a freaky amount of coincidal interests, to the point that she should be a complete dork, if it weren't for the fact that she turned out cool and way too cute to fit the mold. so maybe at first i like her and flirt, as i would no doubt do to any cute girl. but then something unforeseen would happen, or i something about her makes me see her as too much of a friend to ever take it further. at this point i would have no idea how she felt about me or us, as we are having way too much fun being friends and buddies. we play video games, and she definitely owns me at certain games, and i would totally whoop her at others. she draws, is into many different aspects of art and media in general, she even goes with me to comic store to pick up a copy of 100 Bullets or something, while i dork around looking at collectible card games and miniatures, with an issue of Spiderman ready to buy. she doesnt mind that i play the penultimate forms of dorkdom like magic: the gathering and such, and hell, she plays me once in a while with my own cards. she is my equal in almost every way, and that is something in and of itself, as i do not consider many girls to be my equal. sure, they can have higher grades than me, but they're generally not smarter than i. sure, they've got skills when it comes to creative endeavors, but their limits are more than mine.
after months of hanging out and doing things that guys would generally do together (ex: chill outside and shoot the shit, talk about cars and violent acts, etc.), somehow i come to the conclusion that, "hey, we can't be more than this, but i'm perfectly fine with it." maybe she tells me she meets some rad guy, and says he's kind of like me, but not as cool. this doesn't disturb me at all. i even encourage her to get him, if he's almost as cool as me, and i say it with a smile. my heart doesnt break. we hang out almost regularly: weekends and any odd day that we're both off. of course there's the monthly trip to the comics store routine.
i eventually find a girl, and tell her about it. this one's a run-of-the-mill girl, does not hold a candle to her. our romantic lives diverge in opposite paths, and for a time things run as normal. when our circles of friends see us together, having fun, playing around, they ask why we arent together. they ask why we go out with guys/girls that aren't even close to compatible to us, and that we're deluding ourselves. i tell them that we're the best of friends, and that's all we need. i deny that we're perfect for one another, and that us being friends is what is perfect for us. she and i laugh at their ideas and continue being the best of buds. we prove to them that there is such thing as a platonic relationship.
from there, things start to get a little bit different. we would renew the flirtation that started when we first met. she goes through a bad break-up with the current loser, and i'm there to console. and then it becomes totally different. she now divulges her entire thoughts and feelings, and we become closer friends. she even slips into her confessions that she sees me almost like a brother; she's that comfortable with me. i'm her shoulder to cry on, and now we can talk about more than just comics, video games, what was on tv last night, and how dumb American Idol is. i now know her whole life story, and she knows mine. the jokes we normally would throw at each other have reduced, and we're a bit more considerate of one another. we still go to the comics store, but also i come along with her when she goes shopping for girly things, and i'm once thought to be the hapless boyfriend, what with all the bags i end up lugging about at the end of the day's shopping spree.
when once we would sit side by side, looking off into the crowd, we now are sitting/standing opposite each, our attention paid fully to each other. no longer are we the ones who carry each other out of the party when one of us gets too drunk, but instead we try to persuade each other not to drink too much that night. our "secret" handshake is often replaced by a hug goodbye, and sometimes touchy-feely, and possibly flirtatious interactions. the buddy nicknames we assigned one another are replaced by sincere petnames.
a year has come and gone since we first met, and we're still the best of friends. more than that, we're almost kin. it comes to a point that both of our families know us, and because of our friendship, our families become friends. she sleeps over once in a while if we stayed up too late watching tv or a movie, or from playing Street Fighter too long last night. when i would wake up from nights like that, i'd find her almost curled up next to me, or she would be laying upon me in some comfortable way. whatever boyfriend/girlfriend we have at the time would be completely jealous of the time we spend with each, no matter how much reassurance we give them that we're like brothers and sisters. it even comes to a point that we break up with them because they catch us asleep on the couch together in a suspicious way. but of course, we tell each other that they're not worth it if they can't understand that we're just friends.
maybe two years down the line, one of us feels like we've found "the one," and we ask each other if this person is right for us. we nitpick about how bad that person is for them, and that it won't last, or they're not "the one." that drives a slight wedge between us, and for a while we don't speak or see each other. our friends would jest that this is a "lover's quarrel." we see the folly of our ways and try to apologize to each other. and then, as one of us is on our way to mend a relationship thats more important than girlfriends and boyfriends, fiancés and spouses, something bad happens. this is the turning point of the romance that was denied.
i am in something of a hurry to get to her, before she goes on the vacation trip with her boyfriend where she's sure he's going to propose to her. i want to apologize for being a dick before both our lives permanently change, for once they cement their love, there will be no chance for me to make that apology. the wedge will have been driven too far to repair. the red light came too quickly, or maybe my thoughts weren't on the road at all. the lights of the car are blinding, as i brace myself for the impact. i let out a haunting, "nooo!" that echoes in my consciousness as the car hits. i'm not screaming "no," hoping the car won't hit me, i'm saying no because i won't get to her in time. my chance has been wasted.
but it has not.
i awake, half expecting it to be a crazy dream, induced by a late night session of Grand Theft Auto. i'm groggy, but i can feel her head with my hand, and her hand grasping tightly onto mine. i expect her to have crashed at my house, while i played video games, and she neglected studying for her finals. instead, i see the sanitary whiteness of a hospital patient's room. i'm not sitting on my couch, my bed is elevated. the beeping noise isnt my Playstation2 acting up, it's the life support system.
she did not go to Spain with the man of her dreams, she came to me the second she heard what hospital i was in. her boyfriend argued that i was what kept them from going, that i am the cause of their relationship's problems. she defies his every word, they break up at that moment. she cried, not because they had broken up, but because i'm somewhere dying. now, she's asleep, her tears still damp on my hand and blanket.
she senses that i'm awake, and looks up at me. i tell her, "hey...i wanted to apologize..." she says, "no, dont...this is all my fault. this never should have happened. i didn't want this to ever happen." i smile, "don't worry, we'll be getting into arguments like this for years to come, i promise." she laughs, but we know that this moment is too serious to make jokes. her voice lowers, almost to a whisper. "no, this. us. nothing should have come between us. i care about you too much to let that happen, but i slipped this time."
"believe me, we both slipped up," i assure her. my hand strokes her hair as i say it. trying to soften the moment from the fact that i'm in a hospital bed, badly wounded. she smiles, and tears begin to stream once again.
my tone becomes more serious, and i tell her, "no apologies. we both know theres no point in them. you know, when the moment that i thought i would die, all i could think about is how i failed. i failed to tell you how much i care, how much i love you, that i could not let something like this destroy our friendship."
she looks down, and whispers, "yes, i know that feeling completely."
i continue, "i could not die not letting you know that."
she looks directly into my eyes, but it is different from the last time. she's not looking at me like she would if we were to go hang out. theres a look in her eyes, something he can't remember he's seen from her.
"not letting me know that you love me?" the tears she had shed moments ago had left her eyes with a shine that triggered something in me. the look in her eyes made more sense, and soon, a calm fell over me. i was no longer in a hospital, it was just her and i.
i was more sure of myself the moment i said those words, than i was any other time i had ever said them. there was no hesitation, no hint that i partially believed it when i said it. it was not mere words i spoke, it was the pulse of my heart and soul.
"yes... i love you. more than anything in this world."
her hand clenched mine, tighter than ever before. and then, she let go. i briefly hesitated, almost surprised by her suddenly letting my hand go. my fingers trembled in the air. i suddenly felt cold. the moment passed, and her hand touched mine. each of her fingers lined up with mine. warmth spread in me.
another tear falls, and she lightly smiles as it rolls down her cheeks. i can see them slightly turn rosy. somehow, i can hear her heartbeat, and possibly, she could hear mine.
"i love you. not just as a friend. i've always loved you more than that. since the beginning..." our fingers lock, and our hands clasp. my life felt affirmed, she made it understandable finally. more tears fall, and her smile seems to widen more. she starts to confess, "...i never knew how you felt, but it felt right that we would always be friends. somehow, what i hoped would become of us turned into this amazing friendship. and that mattered more than i ever dreamed. you became a part of me, and that made it easier for me to love you as both a friend, and secretly more than that. i always wanted to tell you, but we both understood that going in seperate ways would be best for us. that way we could never lose what we had. it was perfect for us, but not how it was meant to be. somewhere along the way i lost sight of that. when we argued, that was just us saying that we're meant for something more, that we..."
she stopped midsentence. she knew i was going to say something. she wasnt even looking at me, since she tended to look away when she was nervous about what she really wanted say.
i blurt it out. two words that i knew she would answer.
"marry me."
she looks into my eyes once again, the smallest hint of surprise in her face. not because of what i said, but at the moment at which i asked her.
"yes," she says.

the end.

essentially, thats the story. maybe i'll try and make something of it someday, comic, novella, i don't know. there isnt a definite ending because that would just defeat the purpose of the story. showing what happens years from that last moment would kill the idea of a romantic love story. besides, i'd probably write that they're divorced with two kids, and i'm off somewhere with a new love while she's in europe with last guy she broke up with before me. hah.

No comments:

Post a Comment