I fear this day more so than my own birthday.

Apathy, self-loathing, spite, angst, bitterness, all that shit rolled into one within a span of 24 hours. And I thought the fear of turning 22 would get to me. Nope. Its the fear of being completely alone at a table of friends. Goddamn Bright Eyes lyrics are creeping into the back of my skull.

So what am I going to do. Last year, It was a weekend, so I was able to just meet up with my cousins and kick it with a few drinks. This time, its a fuckin Monday, the most inopportune day of the week. Eh, we'll see how the day unfolds. I really just want it to be done and over with, so that the President's Day weekend San Diego trip can be NOW. Actually, I just wish summer were now. Or at least year 40. Pull a string, fast forward through life, like that Saturday afternoon cartoon special. I thought I was done with that "EMO" thing. Guess I was wrong, eh? Hear I am, listening to a completely SOMBER album by Bright Eyes, having just drawn the most twisted thing my mind could conceive and wallowing.

WALLOWING LIKE FUCK.



This cough is killing me, made my thoughts scrambled. I went downstairs and consumed a cocktail of medicines to fight this hacking and sneezing. The scariest thing is, I stood there and contemplated taking 12 too many aspirin and whatever lay in front of me. And then I thought. No. Don't do that.

What would I have lived for? WHAT DO I LIVE FOR NOW?