2004 out the door

What a interestingly weird year. Long story short, I partied hard, and have more of an idea of what kind of a person I'm going to be for the next 5 or so years. I've picked up snowboarding once more, I'm a wise alchoholic, I am Respark. Fuck the manifesto, on to the countdown.

Highlights of the Year
1. San Diego Comicon Internationl 2004 (July): fun for all ages. Mostly for the legal drunk age. A two-level hotel suite and a score of artsy cats getting crunk. Nothing really beats that.
2. El Cabino 2004 (Jan): a week long get-away of pure debauchery and snow. My gut still rumbles from the thought of the drunken nights in Tahoe.
3. Halloween Party/Zombie Soiree (Oct): zombies, liquor, and intentional cosplay. One of the most fun nights I've had all year.

Most Hammered
1. Happy Garden/Elk Grove Club (Aug): nights out to the bar/club with cousins? Nothing can truly beat that. Even though I was semi-broke at the time, I still was able to get drunk courtesy of my awesome family.
2. Chico Party (Mar): a triple shot of Jack after eating three pizzas to start off a night of drunkeness with my old classmates. I can only remember kicking it in the street, and the extra strong puke I dumped into Shannon's sink. Yum.
3. El Cabino 2004 (Jan): I lost a game of Kings that was upped to the extreme ante of clearing out a table of unfinished drinks. Fast forward 6 hours later and I wake up with my head in a bathroom tub.

Notches
1. Road Warrior Status: I made it to and from San Diego in one piece. Except the drive back nearly killed all of us because me and my back-up drivers were sleepy as hell, hahahahah.
2. Respark's Soul: I built it, and they came. Respark has risen over what I originally intended when I wanted to be a hosting ring, it's BETTER than anything I ever dreamed.
3. Drunk Driver: I've demonstrated many times over the summer that I could drive myself and others around town while being reasonable shit-faced. So don't ever be afraid to ask for a ride from me when I've downed at least 5 shots of hard liquor. BECAUSE I'LL MAKE YOU BE MY PASSENGER.

Theres actually much more to this list, but I don't quite remember what feats I pulled off this year. Thank you, liquor and drugs.

Tonight is the last night of my enslavement to corporate servitude. And I'm 10x as glad it's tonight. Last night was a tedious night of cleaning up the warehouse section of the store, which is quite a big chunk of real estate. I probably inhaled an ounce of concrete particles and dust the whole 7 hours, and I get to pay for that with a disgusting machine-gun hack and cough this morning. FINALLY THIS INSANE EXPERIENCE IS GOING TO BE OVER.

God, the last half of this year seemed to have flown by. I'm already thinking of what I'm going to write in my year-end synopsis/review of how 2004 was for me. Damn.

I am a stagnant and loathing cunt of a man.

Swaggering around the edges of the end

This past week...hell, the past day or two...have been extremely hectic. It's insane to think that I've just about redeemed two months of hard work for one night of hard play. And every day blended into one due to my zombie work status. Thursday, though. Thursday was a night that was pure bananas.

I didn't get any sleep Wednesday night, because I slept all day after work, and barely woke up in time to hang out with some of the usuals at the Monkeyhouse. I got home around 3am, having felt nice and toasty with a couple of beers and a session with the Scag Baron himself. I tried to sleep, but couldn't force myself to add another 3 hours to the grand total of 14 or so hours of sleep. 6am finally rolled by, and it was high time for me to roll out for the first half of my day of rockin out.

I picked up Leo and Brian, and drove the three of us to Boreal for an afternoon's ride. The snow was hard packed, but the day was great all around. It hurt, but the pain I inflicted on myself kept the adrenaline flowing and the recklessness in gear. We capped the trip with In n Out in Auburn and three times the rush hour traffic.

When I got home from kicking it at Leo's house, I barely got the chance to take a shower before the calls started coming in about tonight's bar plans. I first heard Pinecove, then Streets of London, and mixed opinions of when and where. Eventually, we rolled out to Streets early so we could sneak Nick into the bar. Needless to say, the plan worked and he got to side-step the rules. Stouts upon stouts were consumed by me and my friends, and by 11pm, the whole lot of us had a group-wide beer buzz. After my first guinness, I walked with Diana, Jaime, and Van to Mikuni's for a quick shot (since Streets of London didn't have a full bar). Being the generously rich sap that I am (or was), I fronted the bill for just about any drink my homeskizzles wanted. Four shots of Johnnie Walker Black Label cost me 30. I probably picked up the tab for half of the pints ordered. The eventual late night meal at Shari's cost me about 10 for Diana's quesadillas. The rum, gin, tequila, and triple sec at the Monkeyhouse set me back around $50. A night of instant-classic moments eventually ended at 5am for me, and it was great.

Friday would become my first day of Christmas shopping, with my first purchase going to my little sister (who wanted some $40 pea coat), and Orlando and Jaime's gifts. Being Saturday now, I fucked up once more and forgot to shop for the other people on my list, like my own mom. Oh well, shopping continues tomorrow. As well as the slow descent into brokedness.

DAMNIT

I went to sleep at 7pm or so, and woke up at 4am. This is what happens when I get random weekdays off. My bad, Alex. However, when I woke up at 4am, I ate an 8-hours-too-late dinner, and proceeded to smoke a cig afterwards in the early morning rain. As I inhaled the addictive fumes, I realized I could and SHOULD drive my ass straight to north Tahoe and snowboard solo. The timing was almost perfect; it was a few hours away from the standard opening times of ski resorts, and it was raining in the valley (which meant there would be a new layer of snow in the mountains. All I needed was to tune (wax) my board, and I was ready to hit whatever the mountain threw at me.

Alas, I realized I had some shit to straighten out today, and ignoring this business would be bad. Next week, definitely. Or at least Saturday. Ride Or Die season commences.

Dear Rod,

I'm sorry I've been absent lately, but it just seems like I'm not really needed right now. You've ignored my advice recently, and it resulted in nearly a thousand dollars of credit card charges in a mere three days. I think it would be best if we didn't hang out so often anymore, because you might actually get me into some serious trouble, too. I mean, its great we're like partners and all, but you and me combined could be epicly retarded. Like deciding to work a graveyard shift, dropping out of useful college classes, and trying to publish a book? As I said, idiotic to the highest degree.
Admittedly, I know we have a lot of work left to do together, but right now, I got to do things for me. Give me some time, things will be okay in a week or so. Eh, what the hell, I'm lying. You're screwed after three hours without my help. Fuck it, I'm out of here.

Sincerely,
Your brain

CBMM

Tomorrow will be one of the best days of the year. The long awaited COMIC BOOK MOVIE MARATHON can finally come to fruition for nerds worldwide. MUTHAFUCKIN SPIDERMAN2 COMES OUT ON DVD. WHAT WHAT.

Here's a sample line-up of movies that can be played for at least 24 hours of geeky drooling. Let's start with the crappiest, and then work up to the best of the superhero inspired cinema.

Daredevil (2003)
I kind of liked this movie at first, although there were many stylistic changes to the concept. It worked on the basic level, but altogether it didn't make me love comics as much as the other movies.

The Hulk (2003)
I wanted to give this movie a chance, hell, Ang Lee even experimented with sequential panel cinematography. However, it was a failure in experimentation, as the stylized paneling detracted from the experience. Plus the acting was quite whack.

The Punisher (2003)
This movie ALMOST had me fooled as being badass, but alas, there is no way to make The Punisher a true hardcore savage in live action. I suppose no one realizes that the real Punisher is a machine of death and vengeance, not some emo/rock soundtrack.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
I liked it. Fuck, I liked this movie a lot. Although it didn't stay completely true to the Alan Moore books, it was a treat to witness legendary fiction heroes duke it out in classic fashion.

Blade (1998)
NOW the movie line-up is getting intense. Blade was the first in a new generation of comic book movies that stayed true to its roots as well as brought a level of modern rockstar quality to a franchise. Thankfully, the half-vampire, half-human Midnight Son wasn't a household name, so there was plenty of sauce that the movie could bring to the table.

Blade 2 (2002)
Cherish a movie if it can turn out to be better than it's prequel. Not only did this sequel introduce a fresh new angle to the Blade story, but it added a sexy amount of CG that didn't make the movie too cheesy. Although the whole movie had the hint of mozarella flowing through each scene, it still made me laugh and cry, "OH SHIT" at the same time.

X-Men (2000)
Instant Classic. Cult Hit. Genre Defining. Name it, this movie has got it. Bryan Singer took a relatively young franchise (though highly popular) and reshaped it to suit a new generation. It was anti-hero and boyscout at the same time. It was white knuckle and thought provoking. An ensemble cast, as well as ingenious imagery made this movie a flagship of comic book cinema.

X-Men 2 (2003)
Once again, the sequel just about outshines the first. Not only that, but the sequel almost redefined that which sought to redefine itself. Anyway, the X-Men sequel kicked ass and took names.

Hellboy (2004)
If it werent for the fact that Spiderman came out before this movie, it would have defintely taken the highest honors in my mind. True to text plot, beautiful imagery, irresistable dialogue, inside jokes galore. If you're an avid Hellboy/Mignola fan, this movie would have you hooked. Until Sin City comes out, Guillermo Del Toro and Mike Mignola combined produced a perfect comic book film.

Spiderman (2002)
The greatest comic book movie since Tim Burton's Batman. It was sublime in it's take on the Spiderman mythology, insanely great in execution, and overall made my inner-geek splooge all over the walls of my brain membrane. Sam Raimi rocked this movie out.

Spiderman 2 (2004)
I'd say its a beautiful streak that the comic book movie sequels have been top-notch in comparison to their predecessors. Better than the first in every category that the previous movie excelled in. The fights were glorious, the story was dramatic and gripping, the nerd factor was raised to x50. Bonus points on the Evil Dead homage, Sam Raimi.

I think I fucked up...real bad

I woke up with a crick in my neck, must be from the 17 hours of sleep I had last night. 12 of those hours were wasted that could have been used to write up my essay. Now, I'm actually planning for the worst, since its already past the deadline to drop classes. It's 9:17am, and I've written ONE SENTENCE for a 10 page paper due at 10am today. What the fuck happened to me?

"At what price?" I once asked myself. At what price is it worth sacrificing my education just for some cash? Apparently, at the price of $7.50 an hour. God, I'm such an idiot.

SUPERCONSUMER

I've charged up a shitstorm onto my credit card lately. Although I've never hit my card limit, this is nigh the closest I've gotten to excessive spending in a long while. Yesterday, I went to a ski/snowboard swap @ Cal Expo. Bought myself a parka impulsively, and then bought a snowboard on a whim. Grand total: $300

Today, I plan to drop by Toys R Us and buy a Nintendo DS, which just came out. Afterward, I've got to get some gas; another exorbitant expense. If I don't run into more things to buy, the prospective grand total would be $190.

And by the time I'm done with work (assuming I don't get fired before then), I might end up buying an Xbox + 4 controllers + Halo2, as well as around 5 Gamecube games + 2 controllers. Possible total: $700. Plus, I've got a cabin trip, snowboard boots + bindings, and a book publishing to pay for. Yay.

5am Shakedown

It was 4am, Saturday morning, November 13. The second night in a row at Jaime's house that me and about 12 friends got together to play Halo2 until we fell unconscious (or got sick of being fragged). The last survivors of the night were me, Jaime, Nolan, and Nick. Rob was sleeping on the couch in the family room. We decided to play one last match of free-for-all murderspree, 50 kills wins. After about 20 minutes, we're all tense with agitation, as the frags become frequent and the gameplay turns into a white-knuckle adrenaline rush of button mashing and cursing each other.

KNOCK KNOCK.

And let me tell you, that knock was no where near as tame as it sounds. It was more like a BAM BAM on the door. Nolan gets up to answer the door, while the rest of us breath in more slowly for the pause in gameplay. The door opens, and I can barely make out a navy jacket and one tell-tale icon patched to the jacket: POLICE. I was running on 33 hours without sleep, but still alert. Seeing the two officers at the door almost pushed me into paranoia. The white cop asks if they could 'come in and talk,' and I almost wanted to tell them to have their 'talk' outside. Instead, Jaime lets them in and thus begins the most ridiculous police encounter I've ever had. They ask if Nolan, as well as the rest of us, knew this Diana/Deana girl. For a split second I imagined that they were referring to my friend Diana. However, Nick stepped up and said that this particular girl was his co-worker (she had come to Jaime's house to kick-it, although I never knew her name), and he asked whether she was in trouble. This is the part where the thought of "Fuck the Police," comes to mind. Rather than answer a simple question coming from my friend, the white cop (there was an asian/filipino cop with him) switches into DRAGNET mode and begins to turn the questions around on him and implicate that he was at fault.

Nick: "Whats wrong, is she okay? Is she in trouble?"
Cop: "Why do YOU think she would be in trouble?"
Nick: "I don't know, MAYBE because you're in here asking us about her?"

Believe me, the girl seemed just fine the entire time she was at Jaime's. She had mysteriously left the house 30 or so minutes before the cops came, and it looked like both an ambulance and fire engine were outside because of her.

Cop: "So what's going on here, you guys partying?"
Jaime: "Uh...we're just hanging out and playing video games, sir"

The room was dark, no music was playing, and only four nocturnal souls were huddled around a big screen TV with Halo2 in pause. I don't believe thats called partying at 4 in the morning.

Cop #2 looks at Jaime's hookah and asks: "Well, what is this?"
Jaime: "Its...uh..something to smoke tobacco out of"

You must be a dumb police officer if you've never seen a hookah. We only use hookahs to smoke tobacco, we have plenty of pipes to smoke weed out of.

So the interrogation continued, but the white cop took Nick and their Q&A session into the kitchen while Nolan, Jaime, and I were left with the asian cop in the living room. The asian cop's questions were basic, and had no hint of entrapment in his voice. In the kitchen, I could hear the other cop asking Nick more questions, as well as Rob's snores. Eventually, I heard Nick's voice rise, which probably meant Nick was becoming frustrated by the cop's questions.
When they finished their chat, the cops went outside to reconvene, or exchange notes or whatever it is that cops do when they harass a bunch of guys playing Halo2.

They were gone for about 20 minutes, and the first few minutes after the door closed was the most agitating moment of silence I've ever had. The four of us just sat there, dumb-founded. Apparently, this girl had left the house in a fit, 911 was called, police thought that someone slipped a drug into her drink.

Nolan picked up his controller, and started to move around. I did the same, then Jaime did, too. Nick started to protest, saying that he can't play with such a heavy burden on his mind. He kept apologizing to Jaime because the cops came by on account of his co-worker. We tell him to loosen up, and to get his mind off it. I start to melee hit his idle character to get him to start playing again. After 6 or so melee strikes, his character dies, and he finally gets back into the mood to kill. Another 20 minutes pass by, and we're all back in the mood to shoot and kill; our minds are almost completely off the matter.

KNOCK KNOCK (more like THUD THUD).

Jaime opens the door, and we stop playing once more. The two cops have returned, but this time they made up their minds to tell us what crimes they assumed we had committed. So we're told the probably had a bad reaction to the hookah or weed smoke, and had most likely called the 911 thinking someone had dropped a date-rape drug into her drink. I almost felt glad it wasn't as worse as it could have been. But, the police encounter didn't end there.

Cop: "You kids need to watch who you party with, or next time there'll be trouble."

Okay, I probably shouldn't party with gamers next time, or I'd probably end up in jail because of them.

Before they left, the white cop, WITHOUT GIVING REASON, singled me out and told me to stand up. Then he told Nick to stand up again. We both looked at each other like, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

We're told to turn around. I almost, instinctively, put my hands on my head and began to move towards the wall with my legs spread apart. READY FOR THE PAT DOWN. I think Nick was ready to do that, too. Instead, the cop tells us to keep our hands at our side. With my back to the police, I felt kind of out of place. Either pat me down or slap some cuffs on, because I sure as hell dont look like Nick. He tells us to turn around, face front. I could see on Nolan and Jaime's faces, that they were also in a silent "WTF?" gesture.

Cop: "I hope you guys learned a valuable lesson tonight."

The four of us were still dumb-founded. What lesson? That girls will think they're dying and call the police? Not to have Halo2 gaming parties? That the police have nothing better to do at 5 in the morning then interrogate four guys who aren't making a large ruckus?

But the last thing the white cop said was the tipping point. He looked at me and Nick and left with some of the most idiotic words ever uttered out of a police officer's mouth.

Cop: "Wow. You guys are totally stoned. Hah hah."

FUCKING HELL.

NONE OF US were stoned at all. Probably 3 hours ago, but not at 5am. We were only high on adrenaline. I sure as hell wasn't even high on anything. I've been passing everytime it came to me for the past 5 months. He must have mistaken my vacant look for euphoria, when it was actually the fact that I hadn't slept since Thursday night (It was Saturday morning).

What a waste of playing time. In the end, I won the "50 Kill" match, with Jaime a close second place.

CORPORATE ZOMBIEDOM

It's 7am in the morning, and I'm wide awake. I didnt sleep, actually. An hour ago was the end of my first week of work for the great retail tycoon that is Toys R Us. It's not as glamorous as expected. Hell, what's so glam about working an overnight stocking shift? I'm up all night playing with toys and the massive boxes they come in, I sleep in specific time frames during the day time, go to school and zone out for an hour, and essentially sacrifice a standard social life. This is what it is to be a corporate zombie.

But its not that bad, really. I found that I'm more able to survive a graveyard shift than I originally thought. Plus, my current crew of co-workers aren't so bad at all. Francisco is this cool cat from my hood that carpools with me, the shift manager is generally laidback, the new Toys R Us store is pretty badass, the male co-workers (like Ali, Mike, Phoung, Steve) are guys like me, and theres a pretty cute girl that works with us to boot. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll eventually be laid off right after Christmas ends, as my job is essentially seasonal. However, if I do a pretty good job of it, that could be bonus points for me if/when I try to re-apply for a standard daytime position.

The worst thing is that I don't get Friday nights to have fun. For instance, last night was the re-start of my cousins DJ'ing at Los Nopales, which is basically a free club in a bar/restaurant down in Old Sac.

Damn, the sun is starting to be more luminous, I better hibernate.

INSOMNIMANIA

I pushed myself to go 40 hours without sleep.

Woke up at 11am on Friday and tried to get ready for a job interview. Needless to say, the liquor from the night before took its toll on my bowels and sleep pattern. I was unprepared for the the interview, but whatever. Afterward, I dropped by Ryan's house and watched him and Jaime play their own games of Fable. Eventually, I dropped by Alex's place and we headed back to Ryan's to begin a night of 9+ video gaming hours. At one point in the night, we were at Denny's or something, but that was a brief meal interlude for the hardcore Guilty Gear XX battling. At around 3am, we started watching movies, and after Evil Dead finished, Alex, and I followed Jaime back to his place to continue the night-long sleep rebellion.

Thus far, I've tied the last insomniac streak of 40 hours (2003 trip to LA for Independance Day). I'm still trying to go for the 48 hours of "Fuck Sleep" parade, but the opportunities are too rare to attempt that.

TEQUILA SUNRISE

2 shots Tequila
4 oz. Orange Juice
1 oz of Grenadine

Pour tequila and orange juice into a glass half filled with ice. Pour in grenadine and allow to settle at bottom. Before drinking, stir.

This has become my favorite drink lately, especially since theres a big bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial lying around and I just bought some grenadine. Getting fairly buzzed at home is a good way to combat the emo that's threatening to invade.

REPLAY

ONCE AGAIN. once a-fuckin-gain, the overwhelming feeling of disjointedness, the feeling of being lost, STRIKES me. like i'm a lightning rod in a shitstorm.

i dropped a crucial class, color theory. if i had kept it and been able to complete the class work, it would have been an advantage for me in the long run. alas, this is what i get for bad decisions.

whats worse, is that i had this goal to be able to churn out AT LEAST a page of sequential art every one and a half days. i did well for the first 4 days, and then the steam and fervor started to dwindle. if i can't get to work on my comic project, i will fall deeper into limbo. add to this doldrum of creativity the ever-changing circumstances of the BIG PICTURE, and i'm in some serious mental straits. i'm trying to unite the rag-tag group of internet artists i'm allied with to produce a BOOK, but things seem to keep slipping from my control. a good chunk of my crew, LJ/Travis/Sheldon/Stefan/Jakub are contributing to a book of equal immenseness, Void PULPO. so many factors keep skewing the plan. Vince has no scanner, Jonathan's reliability falters because he works too much, Danny is off the radar, Alpha is usually MIA, Seth barely draws anymore, Joe is a slack, Khris' schooling is higher priority, and Ryan is...Ryan. The only person i know that is willing to throw down is Steve.

i'm not sure what i can do anymore.

I just got to the end of one of my ropes. Back to sub-par academic performance.

Jaime's house must hate me or something.

ABSINTHE FUCKIN ROCKS.

and girls are always a disappointment.

Fuck all this EMO bullshit that seems to be dropkicking me in the head every other month. All it seems to do is put me at odds with my logical and sentimental sides. And all the while, it just slows down the development that I need. I'm going to just go hardcore and draw comics for the next few weeks, enough of the cat and mouse games. If I don't churn out a couple of pages of sequentials by Labor Day weekend, then I am officially brain dead.

Heatwave Blues.

The past few days has had some of the muggiest weather all summer. Incidentally, these past few days have also been permanently recorded as some of craziest I've had all year. Rewind, forreals.

I'll have to take it back about A YEAR ago. There's this girl, whom I've referenced in the past, that I used to casually date. Hell, I even like her enough to deeply care about her. Preposterous, but true. I tried to make the move last year, but was spurned and burned. Badly. Skip to winter, things get more confusing between her and I. But despite the weird circumstances that transpired, she and I are on pretty good terms. WHICH ADDS TO THE CONFUSION. Now, its a little more than a year after the times that we went out. I missed her birthday party bonanza. Intentionally. I didn't really want to further complicate this feeling of clarity I've had for the past three weeks. Things were starting to look promising for the path I was walking... I was partying, clubbing, bar-hopping with my older cousins throughout the summer...soaking in the kind of fun that my own friends can't offer...

THEN.

I get a call from her. And as you should know, her calling me is a rare event, and not without good reason. So she's at a bar with a friend or two. She's calling me out to meet her there. I'm at home in my boxers drawing (YES, I'm drawing again), getting back into an art groove. It really seems like she wants me to come out to the bar she's at. It's like a Wednesday, or something. I politely decline, saying something about school in the morning and blahblahblah. Truth is that I had been drinking back to back weekends through August, and I wanted to give the liver a rest for a change. So she sounds dejected, so I give her an alternative choice. It was my cousin's birthday party at some restaurant/bar downtown, and the DJ cousins of mine were also spinning for the night. The restaurant is converted into a bar/club on Fridays like these, with no cover charge. I tell her that we'll make up for the fact that I missed her birthday by meeting up Friday night. I figured, I can kill two birds with one stone by going to the birthday party and having her meet me there. Friday rolls by, and everything just about goes according to plan. By the time she arrived I had already finished a Long Island and two beers. We hit a Kamikaze shot together, and chill at the bar. I tell her to head to the small dancefloor and cut a rug. We dance the night away. The night is done at roughly 5am after a meal at a 24 hour diner with her, her friend Roberta, and my cousin Geno. Things look O.K. thus far, neutral and all that.

Sunday night is a big party for a friend's going-away to London. The usual crowd is there, and then some. I didnt drink much, several cups of juice mixed with vodka, a shot of Hennessey, shot of Vodka, two Bacardi 151 jello shots, a couple of beers. I'm in a comfy state of inebriation. Everyone else gets fairly smashed, except for Jaime and Eric. The dilemma presents itself. The details are sketchy, but for the most part of the night, she is extremely more flirty than I expect. And it doesnt even seem like it's completely directed towards me. Ok, so towards the end of the night, her charm is direct towards me. No big deal, I can hold my liquor as well as my inhibitions with expertise. Although the madness of the night MOST CERTAINLY did not revolve around her and I, the moment that plagued me the rest of the night (and even now) is the instance in which I tried to dive in and kiss her...INSTEAD, she kisses me.

The point of contention here is this: in all the moves I've made towards her, each time I was met with some kind of defiance from her. When I tried to kiss her before, the moment never succeeded. On Sunday night, she welcomed and beckoned my advances. Granted, there were others that night that attempted the same as I, but my intent was far more noble than theirs. Hell, even after the unexpected kiss, I had opportunities to CAPITALIZE. But I didn't. I just sat there. And pondered what goes on in her head.

True, she was drunk. Her inhibitions may have faltered that night. But the truth is, she's been just as drunk in times past, and she can handle herself as well as I. Perhaps even better on occasion. As I'm told from another friend, someone tried to make it with her at one point in the night; they kissed, but she pushed him back (allegedly). What does that mean for me? I'm not sure I want to know, or whether I should try to know. As I said before, I was set in my ways before this; I was sure there was nothing between us anymore...Hell, I was trying to get with a girl I met at a club before this came up (though that attempt was neglible).

Another thing that startles me about that kiss is this: the very same thing happened with me and Claudia. She had resisted me until one odd night that she just reciprocated my kiss. Now, a girl whom I hold in even higher esteem than Claudia is giving me feelings of bad ju-ju and deja-vu. Why am I hesitating?

COLD BLOODED.

rick james died today. one of my favorite duets of all time, fire and desire, can no longer sound as sweet now.

i'm a baaaad man. things are spiraling. chaos is right outside my door. ARGH
probably shouldnt have gotten drunk last night at the club.

Jeezus.

It's been what, two weeks since I got back from San Diego? Consider this the first time I've actually gotten on track with ANYTHING since I got back. The trip was too much for words, and I definitely wish I were still in San Diego...at least for the rest of the summer or something.

However, returning to Sacramento life has gotten much more important lately, as a couple of major events are coming together in which I have a part to play.

For one, a major business venture/partnership has formed between my group and Terence's group. Essentially, Terence wants to help us get our names out in the art world. I'm still around 10% unsure about how everything will work out, but I'm game to actually get the ball rolling here.

Secondly, Alex's art show starts next saturday, at the Red Square Cafe off of Alhambra (in midtown). Although I fail to keep in touch with him and work on the details of the inaugural night of the art show, I'm sure we'll work it out and put together a great event. So far, I'm told at least two acts will perform at the cafe for the night of the art show, and we've got a dozen and one other things to go over to make the show more than a flop.

Anyway.

The summer blues has been setting in, and I'm sleeping in more often, and doing hardly anything productive now that I'm out of a job. On top of that, video games have been dominating my waking hours. School starts in a mere two weeks.

THREE DAYS LEFT.

and San Diego will feel the drunken wrath of Respark.

i bought this EPIC game for my gamecube called Tales of Symphonia on thursday...you'd think that i'd just spend my waking hours immersing myself in this beautiful game, right? sadly, i've only played about 25 minutes worth of the game thus far. work and lack of sleep has been kicking the ass of my freetime lately. but hotfuckingdamn, this game has full clips of splendid anime and awe-inspiring graphics. it ALMOST beats out FFCC in terms of OMG factor.

in other news, my work term ends this coming tuesday, meaning i can only expect one last paycheck in august and it'll be off to claim unemployment. but the best part is that my seasonal position will potentially end RIGHT before i leave for SDCC. the worse part is that i'll be leaving behind a CACHE of hot chicks that work at FTB. dammit.

HOT FUCKINGTON.

work today was...for some odd reason, one of the best ones. today was the third to the last day of work for me, and as usual, the cool things ALWAYS seem to happen at the latest possible moments. firstly, i got NOTHING done today, i basically zoned out for 8 hours straight. awesome. i probably DID get something done, but i can't remember because i was barely conscious.
normally, i'm anti-social at work, and i rarely talk to any of the people around me, only to laugh if i overhear a joke or something. today, however, i actually chatted with everyone around me, which probably added to my lack of production. oh well. talked to some of the cute asian girls that sit near me, took three too many smoke breaks, essentially i was the posterboy of bad employee. but it doesnt matter anymore, because my supervisor is gone, and the supervisor that was assigned to watch over us is somewhere deep in the cubicles out of sight. every other student assistant there dozed off on their desks.

OK, highlight of the work day: so there's this new starbucks stand outside of the nearby cafeteria, and for the past week or three, i've been eyeing the new girl they hired. cute, really cute. so i bought some random drink and basically talked to her for the whole of a break. her voice, oh god. basically, she's a cool cat, and was easy to talk to. and yeah.

but the real highlight of the day was sleeping in the chair out in the patio on the far side of the building. at 6am, NO ONE cares if you sleep in a chair during break or on top of your work. hahahahhahaha.

I shall be creating a blog of some form where I will jot down and showcase the various rhymes I concoct (and have concocted). This way, I will get better used to the patterns I create and figure out how to master my style. Be forewarned, when I transform into a bloodthirsty emcee, it gets vicious; a side of me that I normally stifle roams wild and devours the enemy. I call him Artofact.

Fuck. Watched Spider-man 2 on Thursday AND Friday. Awesome movie. Just like the first, the concepts of the movie are hitting me hard once more. I'd explain how...but I'm just not up to it now, its waaaay too emo.

Think happy thoughts?

Must survive the rest of June. Must survive July. MUST SURVIVE JULY. MUST SURVIVE JULY.

I think I'm doomed. See you in August.

I've been taking shits (excreting feces) at work A LOT lately. It's like every other day I'll just stroll up to one of the many bathrooms and have at it; a battle with my porcelain nemesis. It's weird, really. Either I'm getting way too comfortable where I work, or my bowels can't even wait for the day to end for me to dump. I'm actually more disturbed by the possibly truth of the former more than the latter.

But I'm going to miss working there, because us temporaries will most likely be laid off at the end of the month. It was an awesome working there though, I would ALWAYS discover new hotties crawling about that I had never seen before. It's like the AMAZON of hot chicks.

today was weird. it was chock full of surprise calls and dialogue...again...which is ok...i suppose. it was also full of mushy sentiment that just about bled through my pores. great day.
the alarm didnt wake me up, as it always doesn't. instead, the sound of a phone call brought me to consciousness, and this call was from Dave. i forget what it was about, but i'm sure it had something to do about the formation of this art club at CRC. woopty woop.
i got up, and proceeded with the normal routine of stagnation. i learned that i dont have work until next week, WHOA. later, i took a break from helping my dad to watch a movie or two (Cat in the Hat & Chasing Liberty). halfway through the movie, i got a call from Diabolicol, my floridian comrade, about SDCC plans. an hour or so after that, i get a call from Kirpal about potential freelance webdesign work for his promotions business, which is possibly extra cash in my pocket. then LATER, i get a call from the #3 about a 'surprise' party for her at Hamburger Mary's. I'm trying to get kosher with all the girls i've loved before, but i had to politely decline...which was to no avail because my phone cut out on me. sometime that night, i got a call from Rob about kicking it at Nolan's once more, which i had to pass on as well. and then lastly, i get an email from Ryan, of all people, about some ridiculous business of adding a new hostee to Respark.

Why does all the unexpected shit happen in one day for me?

The Winds of War Scream

So it seems like the first 'guild war' is about to start on VOID, all thanks to Toast's suggestion that Respark takes on this small crew of newcomers to the ranks. which is INSANE, because Respark numbers at 9 strong when it comes to VOID fighters. I have respect for these new guys, but i do believe my guys will maim in the name of Respark. which is awesome. they're like my own personal army of digital warriors.

and all these events ride on the newest developments in the Respark collective. several cats have come out of the woodwork to rep Respark, which makes me glad. a couple of new guys have joined the ranks as well.

the Respark roster now swells with talent, which I could foresee taking this corner of the internet art world by storm.

it's really complicated how this enclave is even grouped together.

see, there are those who already have space and have actually made use of it:

2Coats (Ale Revolucion/Savage Henry)
Diabolicol
Gauge
Guru a.k.a Fithy
Khris
JAR
Joe Yega
Rai
Rockout Reggie
Splitzetsu

and then there are those who have yet to hop aboard, but have their spots already reserved:

Fel
Knome
Shelde
Ponbiki

and then there are the 'reserve team' of hostees that i acknowledge out of respect and love, but have yet to officially list them on the main page:

Prol-1
Odium
Ninja Matt

thats A LOT of talent. i think the only other group i know of that can match our size is probably dreamken. it's too bad that defuser and resnorm have all but gone kaput, because those were the heavyweight host sites that i modeled Respark after. i guess it's time to carry the torch of hosting artists.

LIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLE

it was a DOPE show. the perfect cap to a great summer weekend. originally, i was set to roll out to the Colonial with several folks, but i was only able to head to the show with Amador. it was coo though, because the show itself made up for the hour and a half wait in line and cramped-ness of the venue. the opening act was negligible, and as they finished i headed out to the front to jockey for a good enough position for taking pictures. when Kweli came to stage, the crowd roared with anticipation, and he immediately started his hour-long set with the first track on the leaked "The Beautiful Struggle" album called 'The Revolution.' for the most part, the line-up of songs were mostly from "The Beautiful Struggle" and "Reflection Eternal" with a few tracks from "Blackstar" and "Quality." it was fuckin great to be able to sing aloud a bunch of songs only a few of the folks in the crowd (including myself) knew. the only thing that bothered me was the damned venue itself, it was like a goddamned OVEN in there, and i could FEEL beads of sweat rolling down my legs every few minutes as well as wiping my face clean of a layer of perspiration. plus, the lighting in the theatre was horrible, which made most of my pictures turn out whack (only a third of them actually came out in useful quality).

Adam's pics of friday night

Israfiel's pics of friday night

My pics of friday night

A RAUCOUS SHINDIG OF DEMONS AND SAINTS

the friday night party was insane. the return to mayhem was an overnight success, with relatively few hitches. the pace picked up at around midnight, when second and third degree invitees began to filter in; the reverie reached a fevered pitch at around 1am or so, after the toast to Rob's uncle Felix, who had recently passed away. with the profound words, advising that life be lived to the fullest with those you care and love, we whole-heartedly agreed, "FUCK DYING" (in the words of Pete). in some ways the night was also a reunion of people who had not spoken or seen one another in years, it was also a night of releasing inhibitions and letting loose. the details are far too many to chronicle, but i must say, that it was night of memories i'd love to keep, especially in my currently waning days of party animalism. i'm slowly losing my taste for hard liquors, beers, and cigarettes.

sadly, it has been a return to mayhem for my cohorts, but it's coming close to the requiem of my bacchalian spirit. true, this summer will have plenty more parties that i will jump to, but once fall rolls in, i believe i'm going to slow it down to a crawl. i just hope my hidden agendas will actually come together and revive me. i dont even know if i'm making any sense, because it has taken more than 24 hours for me to actually feel better about the friday night party, and that is not a good sign at all. add that to the realization that it has been the fourth time i've vomitted after hard partying in my entire 4 year career of revelry, and that the last three occured in this year alone... i need to just STOP and re-assess where i'm going with all this.

forgive me for the melancholy saturated in my entry, but the party really was fucking great. links to pictures will be given shortly.

and counting

wednesday night was a cool day to be out, despite the solemn undertone. i essentially cruised up and down sacramento today, from arden to elk grove. van, jaime, and i went to the mall, where i purchased some patches and they some cigars. afterwards, we stopped by the thriftstore, where jaime got some new (old) threads, and i ran into this punk rock guy i met this semester, andre. went to eat afterward, then chilled at home for a minute. jen calls, we talk for a few, then rob calls me out to chilis for a drink and food. in total, jen drank a blood mary, i chugged 3 guinness draught bottles, rob two stoli martinis, and he and i took a shot of courvosier. the waitresses working today were smokin. after chilis, jen (the DD) drives us to bev'mo, where we reserve a large keg of sierra nevada for the upcoming party. on my credit card. ouch. hahaha. after that, we drop by jaimes after he finished work and chilled looking for the next spot to head to. we finally decide on dropping by anthony's, since orlando wasn't able to kick it tonight. we smoke from his hookah, then decide to hit up a bar/restaurant for some drinks. the closest place of reputable beer vending was in elk grove, the world reknowned elk grove brewery. jaime, anthony and i order pints of varying choices, and rob goes for his favorite top-shelf martini, grey goose. altogether, we all order a pint a piece, from stouts, to black and tans, to ciders, to special ales. the best part was that the bartender was really cool, charging us for only three pints (when we ordered 6) because of the recent string of spring birthdays. we end back up at anthony's to wait for alex, and then waiting for jasmine/nick/pat. i depart before midnight, as the rest of them head over to jamie's for a night cap.

the mix of toxic materials i consumed today was GLORIOUS. marlboro menthol lights, newport 100s, raspberry tobacco via hookah, macaduno cigar, stoli and grey goose martinis, bloody mary, grain barrel stout, and cider.

and this is just a warm-up for friday's party of mayhem, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

I HAVE COME TO KILL HIPSTERS

after work on friday, i went to this badass thrift store on stockton blvd called THRIFTOWN and scored two cool jackets. one is this brown corduroy coat with a nice furry collar trim, and the other is a green army-like jacket with furry collar and nifty golden buttons. they're both totally rad. i'll post pictures of my suave new look once i find some patches that could go with them.

friday night was ron's graduation romp at a hip restaurant bar on 16th and J st called Mikuni. its like a nexus for upscale white jerks and 'jawdropper' chicks. though our group was completely unsuited for the spot, we had a fun time making noise in our little area. i played something of the wingman for the night, turning on the killer charm in me to make the homeboys look good. and when i say killer charm, i mean belligerent asshole persona that gives the guys ample opportunity to be gentlemanly and woo the ladies. the night was a fucking blast. pictures of one half of the night can be found here.

saturday was another marathon event of kicking back and partying, where we chilled at orlandos drinking beer, chivas regal, and oysters hot off the grill. we then headed out north-eastward to a house party somewhere in el camino. i left early, but the party was pretty damned cool. there were DJ's spinnin in the patio, blazin white girls dancin, folks loungin in the outdoor couches and benches, Kiel operated his gravity bong, "Ralphie", Jasmine cooked filipino food, a keg of Hieneken (complete with guys upside down to drink it) and people kept filtering into the backyard every half hour. i think Jerald wanted to start spittin freestyles with Nick when i was about to leave. hell, even FRANK came out to play that night, as well as Anthony Reiher. as long as my folks are having a good time, i'm content to leave knowing this.

damn you Ale, for making me less of the wuss that i normally am. YOU WILL PAY.
so i made the call, and it was a good one. the first was in vain, but my attempt was returned, and the conversation lasted from the second i stepped out of the triple doors at work until i got into my car and exited the gates. i'd say a nice 6 or so minutes. from that moment on, i felt ALIVE.
it was fuckin surreal. if you know the history behind my motives, you would know that the person on the other end of the line and i exchanged a maximum of 50 words between each other throughout four years of highschool. i don't know what to think now. so many goddamn things are up in the air and i've nary a clue as to which choice to make. i'd try and wing it, work with every option, but i think i'm tired of that game by now. i just have to remember Joel Barrish and Eternal Sunshine.

in other news, i cruised around downtown/midtown with my cousins Dobhie, Geno, and Robbie, had fun and liquor at INK as well as dropping by Monkey Bar. life is feeling great.

DISGRUNTLED

soon, bitches, real soon. school is out in a mere two weeks. i've got to wing a couple more major academic events, and i'm in the clear. i think the upswing begins once i'm officially out of school. yes, i think so. i'll have a bit of money to cruise with until SDCC, and i'll definitely be on the hunt for a new job near and far. a couple of things are falling into to place lately, and coincidentally, karma started to give me those sexin eyes around the time i officially turned 21 last week. needless to say, this summer will top last years (although that's not saying much because last summer was possibly the first real summer i ever had).

but above all things, i've got to thank whatever insidiously divine forces out there thrust me into the position i am now. i thank alex, pete, kiel, jaime, ryan, and many more for being a friend to a unscrupulous creature such as i. heres to many more years of getting drunk and wild, folks.

i'm still pissed that the world is mostly populated by apathetic morons who are contributing to the daily dissemination of human integrity. hypocrisy or rhetoric? you decide!

FUCK ART

i have neither the energy, capacity, patience, time, or love for it as i once had. sure, i've doodled some random shit every other week or so...but i have not done anything artistically productive in so long. consider this the dear john letter to art. i'm done with you for now. i've been saying i'm an artist, that i want to draw comics and that shit, but that's like a lie now. no more deception; i'm not going to fool you or myself any longer. and not just art in the sense of pencil to paper, but all the other areas of creative expression. i don't want you in my life right now. i just feel like i need to start fresh, a new path away from the shitty feeling i get when i think of myself and art. its like a sort of PRESSURE on me when it comes to art, as if there are expectations and standards i'm supposed to meet. i dont want that, i get enough of that kind of shit from parents.

but i'll be back to give you some sweet lovin when the time is right.

Welcome to the end of the world

the magic number 21 has come upon me. and nothing feels different or the same. the first 'official' drink of beer tasted just like the one last night. and the one on thursday. same flavor, different circumstances. argh, the paradoxes and conundrums. fuck it.

i just realized tonight that i've been calling the WRONG number all this time whenever i tried to give my #1 a ring. O. M. G. extreme idiocy at its best. each time i called, the phone rang eternally, without a voice message prompt. what was i thinking? but now it makes me wonder, WHERE does the number i originally dialed go? who does it belong to? who the fuck doesnt answer their phones? i had mentally conjured this image of an abandoned house with a lone telephone ringing incessantly.

tomorrow will just be another bump in the road towards this saturday's drunkfest, sadly. actually, i kind of want to run into Ms. #3 and give her the heads up about the party. but may just be a fool's desire. maybe before i get home, i'll end up having to pick up a 6-pack of beer and drink the sorrow away, haha. HOPEFULLY, i can get in touch with pete regarding the MUSE concert on tuesday. that would rock my balls to the extreme. truly. and then comes thursday, which may be another concert, but this time with hip-hop legends De La Soul. no doubt the #1 syndrome will come into effect at that show. ARGH.

to my fellow buffalo soldiers, hang in there, your days of glory are coming. next up, may 8th/9th, followed by may 11th, may 18th, and then finally may 20th. i'm looking forward to one big bar hop at the end of the month, as well as parties dotting the month of may. rock on, drunkards.

--edit--
so the MUSE concert is totally sold out. fucking bummer. i havent been to a rock concert in ages, and i had hoped that MUSE concert would be a good jumping point for the rock resurgence for me. oh well, looks like i'll be a hiphophile for now.

ANARCHIS DES TOROS

so last night was the first of many nights to come, where liquor would be the way of celebrating the full legalization of my compatriots. i don't think i even drank that much last night, but i was definitely trashed by the end of night. it was a blast, BigJon came out, Ale dropped by late, PM3 was already buzzed when i got there, AWESOMENESS x5. the last i remember was sitting down on Jen's couch... and then opening my eyes at 6:30am. HAHAHAH.

and by now, the lucky bastards that are going to Coachella are either leaving or getting ready to go. FUCK. i'll be missing many of my favorite bands that will be performing at the 2 day concert. more injury to the insult is that i tried calling Miss #1, but as before, my call was in vain. no pick up. oh well.

BRING ON THE MUTHAFUCKIN PARTIES.

Not so fresh, but mostly clean

so i'm pretty much fully back in sacramento. a part of me was still in san diego, soaking up the atmosphere and 98+ degree weather. i was here physically, but a portion of my soul is always in SD. chillin with family for a day and a half was great, it always is. when we got to clairemont, i woke up my little cousin (who's not so little anymore, fuck, his voice is deepening!) and played some m:tg, and then set up my gamecube to play FF:CC... until 7:30 in the morning. it was fucking awesome. the next day, the whole family got together to celebrate my niece's (Mai) christening. afterward, the whole Fabila clan headed back to clairmont for my uncle's birthday party. this time, i was able to get another of my cousins to play FF:CC with us, and we bashed the fuck out of the game.
despite the meager amount of drama my mom was trying to get me into with my san diego family, they were really cool about everything. for one, when we got there on friday night, my mom went off on how i smoke and drink and blah blah blah. my uncle was real cool about it and handed me a beer. and most of the family doesn't care that i would smoke; it's really a more conscious family than say, the corpuz side.
i'm still astounded by the experience of being around my fabila family. the rugrat cousins play with their nieces, the toddlers freely jump on my back, its great.

now, back to sacramento life. the daily hum-drum of work and school. i think i'm off hiatus mode now, and it falls in perfectly with tomorrow since work was called off for that day. nolan's birthday is coming up, and then my own birthday celebration. i think may will be a good month, although i've got a truckload of school work to handle and the work situation is looking bleak. rebel rock, yo!

i just need to keep a couple of things in mind before alchoholism totally destroys my memory capacity.
1. get back into art or die trying
2. buy a mini-fridge to store my future caches of booze
3. website redesign
4. make sure i have enough money to get to san diego comic con
5. play more video games

ESCAPE FROM SACRAMENTO

going to san diego tomorrow. YAY. i can't wait, really. anywhere but here. this whole week, i got probably a total of 20 hours of sleep? i'm SOOO COOL. barely ate, too. and now, i'm all kinds of physically out of sync, to the point of working on crucial projects IN THE CLUTCH. hopefully, when i get back, things will get back to their normal hum-drum pace and i'll get healthy sleep and social activity. HIATUS MODE ends when i get back, y'all. next thursday is the official start of the taurean festivities, where i'm bound to get drunk from weekend to weekend until i drop dead. fucking awesome. LET'S ROCK!

The gloves are off.

Dearest friends,


I hate to say it (yet at the same time, I revel in the prospect), but I'm going to be on a serious hiatus from now on. Until when? I don't know for sure. Maybe come April 30 or May 3. Which ever works out best. Reason? I don't really feel I owe anyone a reason, but I may as well, because I might get a flood (more like trickle) of communique from folks calling me out. In a week, I've got a 10 page research paper due that I've got to start on which I should have been working on all semester. The late night kick-its did not help me get started on this at all. This is serious crunch time, friends. Although I abhor the idea of continuing school, I need to at least pass my classes this semester so I won't be any farther behind than I already am.

Spring break SHOULD have been at least 5 days dedicated only to work, this research paper, and video games. Instead I'm looking back on it and I'm seeing that nothing happened as hoped. So now I hate everything. This random assortment of days, albeit fun, have probably been the worst time for me to attempt to live. I'm not supposed to be out late hanging out. I'm not supposed to be spending money for the benefit of entertaining me and my friends. I'm not supposed to be social. As much as I want to be there for each and every one of you through thick and thin, I can't. I know I'm going to regret even trying to achieve some kind of passing grade, and I know I'll regret not being there for thing even more. But this has to be done.

I thought I had found my focus this year, the set path I must walk to make something of myself, but in finding that focus, a lot of my previous priorites were fucked to the moon and back. What I did was just delude myself, fooled myself into thinking that the objective was clear. Instead, my mind is fucking TORN, and I've been more indecisive about even the LITTLE things more than I ever have.

To tell you the truth, the next two weeks will probably fuck me up worse than any girl, academic grade, or drugs ever had. So. This is goodbye.

But don't take this as me backing out of any allegiances and promises I've made, because I will come back to rip shit up. Just not now, or anytime in the immediate future. I won't be online to chat from now on, nor will I be frequenting any message boards you would normally see me in. I won't be answering the call to go out and have fun. I won't waste anymore of anyone else's time. However, I will answer e-mails, if ever I get them.

Alex: I'm still dedicated to the cause, but I know you'll move right along with or without me to lend some kind of supporting role. Be thankful Rob is just as stalwart (or even more so) than I. The month of May will see my return to rock out. I'll get you that $30 for the comic boards somehow.

Rob: I didn't forget the track you want me to spit lyrics on, I've worked on it a little bit. I'll leave it up to you, Alex, and Ryan to keep the forums alive while I'm in self-exile.

Ryan/Nolan/Nick: Keep me posted on the development of your works, especially the track I'm supposed to battle Blithe.

Jun: Seeing as how you haven't answered the last TF challenge, here's the answer:
1. Megatron/Prime
2. Megatron/Starscream
3. Jetfire (Skyfire)/Starscream
4. Omega Supreme/Devastator (Constructicons)
5. Omega Supreme/Astrotrain
6. Metroplex/Trypticon
7. Fortress Maximus/Scorponok

-Rod

Drunk Hand DROP!

odd inside joke aside, this week has been nuts. wednesday and thursday night were the stage for life altering experiences. wednesday, saw eternal sunshine with the homies, and that definitely gave me a new perspective (and leash) on life and love. needless to say, LOVE is the only goal now, none of the games and emotional bullshit. she's got to be the one or none.

thursday. holy hell, thursday. a new direction has been proposed for the betterment and evolvement of ourselves, thanks to the wildman X. i told the man, all i'm waiting for is for him to start the revolucion, and i'll be there to provide ammo... and he has lit the match. DOOM I SAY! crush them like rice cakes!

drunken shenanigans are off the hook!

Weeeeiiiiird Week.

This has been a fairly long and taxing week, and it's bound to get extremely more taxing Friday night. FUCK. Hell, today has been pretty fucking long a day. Monday and Wednesday were 8 hour shift days, just so I can move my hours around and work a 4 hour shift on Friday. However, Monday was still an opportunity to kick it with the folks at Pat's house. Good times, our 'family' of friends met a new addition to the crowd, Ralphie. Ralphie rocks.
Anthony is on spring break this week, and him, Ryan, Jaime, Nolan, and I went out to WinCo that night to score the crowd some booze.

Wednesday, I actually got to go to my morning communication studies class. Kicked it after class with Terell for a minute, conversed about gravity bongs and spring break plans.

Thursday, I had to finish up a 4 page essay for my other comm studies class, essentially scrambling my thinking processes for the rest of the day. After class, Dave and I kicked it the rest of the day. We wandered from the schools library, to the cafeteria/union, and back to the library. Dave got to meet Sherly, and they conversed for a while in their native Indonesian languages. Groovy. Oh yeah! I got two essentially unexpected calls, one from Shannon giving me directions for her party Friday night, and one from my buddy in Florida, Travis (Diabolicol). After those calls, and after Dave got plenty of foreign language exercise in with Shmerl, Dave and I rolled out to Laguna to KB Toys and Borders. Saw Her #6 (the Jailbait) at Borders. One more instance of weirdness to add to my week. Not to mention Alex called me earlier in the day and didnt leave a message; I ended up calling the number back and speaking briefly with Alex's grandmother.
And now, there's another kick-back at Pat's, which I've chosen to skip. Tired. Weird week. Need to recuperate. Or something!

Friday night is going to involve a step back into a weird chapter of my night, Shannon's party will most likely have Her #2 attending. Along with her current beau. And me with my standard crew of homies. No girl to show her up and show that I've gotten along without her. Oh well! I can show her that I've become badass in the time since and astound her with my destructive habits of smoking and drinking. Yeah, that'll impress her REAL well.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFKCFKCKFUCKF
It's 9am. I've got a job interview with the Department of Justice at 11:30am. I've got one class at 10:00-10:50am. I've got work scheduled at 12:30pm. I'm doing barrel rolls in the stratosphere. I'MFUCKINGDOOMED.

Good fuckin-Times

Monday- worked, earned my $7.80 an hour, came home. A kick-it at Jen's was a-brewin, but alas, I was condemned by my parents. But I got my paycheck, so it panned out somehow.

Tuesday- school. talked to Dave, was finally able to convince him that I could give him a ride home. came home, talked to several folks about pulling a guerilla kick-back in lieu of me not being able to last night. I rounded up Pat and Jaime, the responsible adults of the group, and had them buy some booze to get the night rolling. We try to hunt down Alex, but came up empty. We try to 'invade' Jen's house on our own, but failed. So we dropped by Robert's and picked him and Nick up. We make it to Jen's place, with booze and Playstation2 ready. This time, we're able to get in with Robert's help, and wait for Jen to get home from work. She is greeted with liquor and cigarettes. Jasmine and Kiel eventually show up, bringing Pat some lau-lau. BOMB-ASS FOOD. Jaime and I head out early, but not with consuming a healthy supply of beer.

Wednesday- more work.

Thursday- I skip one of my classes because I left my wallet at work and had to drive all the way out to Bradshaw rd. to retrieve it. I get home and chat with Rob and Pat, who are down to get another night of kicking it organized. All in all, I leave Jen's early once again, but this time, not in time to see more people arrive.

Friday- work is just a 6 hour delay from a party night. Jasmine/Jamie are throwing a house party/bbq for their older sister. Ryan goes balls out and attends, and we stop by the 'Philippines" on Mack rd. to pick up two cases of San Miguel. It turned out to be one of those perfect kick-back nights: fair weather, barbecque, beers, and our old friend Mary. Ryan, Jaime, and I leave around 1am, but the night didn't turn out bad at all. Needless to say, the presence of cute female guests made the shindig a better time.

Saturday- I wake up with the slight after-effects of Miss Mary's charm, but I'm urged to action when Leo calls to trade his Wacom tablet for my Gameboy. DEAL. Talk to Alex, and I help him hitch a ride with Ryan/Jaime to Rob's house. After a shower, I'm ready to hang out at Rob's as well. Slightly dislocated from the rest of reality, I pull together to become the driver to yet another night of festivities. Alex, Jaime, Rob, and I drop by Jen's work (Steve's Pizza) to eat pizza and drink beer. In short time, the four of us are buzzed and laughing. Freudian slips here, manly contests of eating food topped with chili there, it was a GOOD TIME. Alex makes calls, and finally convinces me to head downtown for a night of Sacramento's second Saturdays. Re:Vibe is a bust, but we walk over to Infusion to find the place is packed beyond capacity for an open mic night. I bump into some of the folks (Elisa , Henry, Brian, Renato), as well the kind of people that can destroy and uplift your self-esteem. The "Hers." We cut out early; I knew I couldn't step up to the pressure of the moment. Instead, we head back Souf and pick up Jen. A quick liquor run and gas-up, and back downtown to kick-it at Alex's we go. He makes some calls, and we find that Ada is kicking back with friends at her place. A short drive later, and we're somewhere off Broadway, and hot-boxing an office room and talking Lockeian.

A productive week, no?

ProtoTYPICAL
So I want to register to vote. My former 'independent thinker' values have been shot to shit.
What am I to do!? I'm a punk rockstar at heart, but now I'm going all soft and corporate. What. The. Fuck. All my seething enmity for the System, gone. My paranoia of "the Man" and "Big Brother" one step behind me, and now I want to go straight to the horse and stick my HAND down it's mouth. Genious.

It's weird how i go through these retarded phases of "I know what I want out of life, I know what the next step must be" and then "I've lost my way, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life." I'm in a funk similar to the latter. And nothings going to make it any better with the sordid girl 'problems' I slog through.

So, from now on, take my advice and shit-bricks of wisdom with precaution and apprehension; I officially don't know what the FUCK I'm saying half the time. Also, I will be turning off my "I give a damn" sensors for the most part, unless of course I'm actually telling you, "yes, I give a damn." Think of it as a LOOONNG reboot for my brain, because I need to figure shit out one step at a time. Although, time is running out.

Leo called me tonight and mentioned the chance of me getting a job at Albertson's with him. AWESOME. Two jobs at once, righteous. If i can figure out this situation, and somewhow have both, I might be on my way to moving out. Or something. Let's hope and pray.

This Tuesday rocked, barely school to contest with, and a night-cap of kicking it with the usual crowd, knocking back some drinks. Now I can survive this week with confidence.

On a highly unrelated note, I'm trying to give up beef for the rest of Lent (and hopefully the rest of the year), seeing as how I failed to quit smoking for the mean-time. And besides, I like chicken. YUM.

The Abnormal Swing of Things

I woke up at 8 am to drop off my younger sister and cousin off to school, and promptly shuffled my half-conscious ass back to bed. In the three odd hours of sleep I caught, I had possibly the BEST dream in a while. It is in these few hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I seem to formulate the most enriching dream sequences. But this morning, all the lovey-dovey-perfect-world dreams were TOPPED. This latest dream involved Ms. #1, in what seemed like the beginnings of a playful friendship. ALMOST along the lines of "My Perfect Love Story" (6/23/2003). Which made the dream THAT much more compelling.
It was a party at my house, where I played host and party-goer, introducing friends and getting mad buzzed. Co-workers and friends alike mingled in a swirl of liquor and laughter. And then.
The party comes to a dead halt, as the one person walks in that becomes the center of the moment. HER (#1). She's arrived, although I have no idea whether I had invited her, with a cadre of her friends. Her group easily homogenizes with the party, and the house livens. I say hi, and she smiles and we exchange small talk briefly. Then, something happens, a drunken participant spills their cup on me, soaking me in beer. It's ok, I'm drunk, shit happens. I walk into my room, and it has been invaded with a small party on it's own. Oddly, I'm pleased, but the slight crowd makes it a bit difficult for me to get to my dresser drawer to find new clothes. I stumble on and around those hanging out in my room, and finally make it to the dresser. I open a drawer, and look to my left to see HER sitting on the floor. Everyone in the room now notices that beer was spilled on me, and several of them leave the room to give me space to change clothes. Oddly, the JayZ/Pharrell song plays in the background at this moment. As I rifle through my clothes for a fresh shirt, she's still sitting on the floor next to me. We converse, from small talk to gossip. I delay switching shirts, and decide to sit down next to her and talk some more. At this point, the brilliant soul of hers shines through, as we laugh and share a moment of slightly-inebriated happiness. I stand up, and pull her off the ground and for a quick moment she is in my arms. Feeling awkward, we seperate quickly. I turn around and hurriedly change shirts. She makes fun of me, saying that I'm scared to change in front of a girl, and pokes me in the side. As I pull my shirt down, I turn around and smile. I playfully poke her back, returning the favor. We begin to lightly rough-house, from pokes to tickles, and laugh drunkenly. We realize suddenly that we're the only ones in my room. DEJA fuckin VU. We sit down on my bed, and I begin to gather myself together to tell her that which I've bottled up for years.

I wake up realizing that I'm late for class.

I walked into class today to find that our study groups had formed, and all we had to do for the day was review material for Thursdays midterm. We were free to leave whenever we wanted. My group adjourns 45 minutes before class normally ends, and I wander the campus to ponder things. Eventually, I decide not to leave campus to run errands, and I run into Elissa in the music/arts wing. I talk to her for a few minutes, as well as Ryan on the phone with her. I walk with her back to the reading/writing lab, and make my way to my history class. One hour and 15 minutes later, I give Dave a lift home, and finally return home. Now, the night is up in the air, and the sky seems to be the limit. ROCK ON.

Productivity

Today was good, this is true. Although everyday is not without it's regular routines of being slaved, today was still good. Went to church, didnt really give a damn, so I rocked what i wore yesterday as well as my glasses. No one to impress, nor do I expect to impress anyone anytime soon. Finished up chores, including mowing the lawn. The weather is finally shifting to the sweet sweet air of spring. I wore shorts today, a sign of this change. We were out of petro for the mower, so I had to drive out to the nearest gas station and buy it myself. No big deal. After getting some gas, I dropped by Jen's place, only to catch her on her way off to work. However, I really dropped by Jen's to see how Rob was doing from last night's spree of liquor consumption. Needless to say, ol' boy was quite hung-over. Kicked it for a bit with him, smoked a 'square,' rolled on home. Finished mowing, and got word from Rob that he didn't need a ride home. Instead, Pat drops me a message online, asking if I'd bring him to Adam's to pick something up. Sure thing, bucko. I swoop up Pat, and we cruise out to Adams. Spent a good 20 or so minutes, smoked a bit more, chit-chatted until sundown. I drop Pat off, then get home to eat some dinner. And now... I'm actualyl doing art! HOLY shit. Page one of an intended 24 page comic.

Game Over

This night was going soooo well, too. REWIND:
Woke up late, gave my baby (my car) a wash. Felt good. This bitch was ready to go cruise tonight.
Got in touch with several folks that afternoon, getting the word about the parties going down that night. I hurried and did whatever chores I had to do to appease the parental units, built credit to buy a night out. I hurried to finish some "extracurriculars", and proceeded to Kinko's and get them printed by way of Amador's graces. Alex met up with me at Kinko's, the first of the crew to roll in tonight's party wagon. Jaime gives me a ring, telling me he's in Natomas, so we wait him out until he get's home. I drop off my work to my cousin Junior, and head back to my house so Alex can drop off his car. We pick up Jaime, the second of the usual suspects. After a bit of deliberation, we drop by Robert's house, to try and add him to the wagon or determine how things are going to go down tonight. Robert calls up Jen's work, so we can figure out whether we can grab her and head to a party or two. So we make our way to where Jen works, pick her up, and then drop by the gas station and Winco. We buy smokes, Jaime buys Rob a bottle of Jagermeister. The PARTY is ready to roll.
First party, David Kincannon's going away party (he's going into the Navy). Alex and I prophesize that this party will be nothing but yet another sausagefest. I get us lost in the Vintage Park area. Fuck Elk Grove. We finally roll up to the right place and enter. Lo and behold, the crowd there is nearly a 1:1 ratio of girl and guy. Not to mention I see a couple of old friends, namely Shawn Thompson and Rachel Guitierrez (sp?). It's a cool couple of minutes we spend at David's party, but we're itching to hit up the next venue. Next place to drop by for the night: Jasmine's.
We leave David's party, got lost some more in Vintage Park. ELK GROVE WILL BURNNN. The wagon's rolling pretty deep with Alex, Jaime, Rob, Jen, and I. Alex forgot to hit the bathroom before we left...this is the crucial event that shifts the night's conclusion (for me at least). We return to my house so Alex can pick up his car and head either home or to Jasmines. He needed to take a piss real bad, so I open the garage and let him in to use the potty. To my surprise, the mercedes is in the garage...meaning my family is still home. REJECTION. I can't go out as I hoped, now that I've shown my face in the house. It's 1 am, my mom concludes, I can't go out anymore. My night has officially met it's end. So Rob, Jen, and Jaime have to transfer over to Alex's car, or not go at all. Of course they have to go, they have no reason not to. Alas, I am home-ridden, my credits have run out.
After a heartfelt departure with my would-be party mates, I proceed home with my head and heart hung low.

I suppose theres a balance here somewhere, seeing as how my older sister, Cheryl, has gone out of town to party with the girl cousins. Where one sibling can stay out, the other must stay home. And don't even get me started on my younger sister; that's a whole different matter.

So, to those that got to party at Jasmine's with Kiel, Adam, Pat, and whomever got to roll through: PARTY HARD FOR ME. I can't be redeemed now, the EMO has taken me in it's dark grasp. Sigh.

The inevitable has come to pass

I've lost my man card. In front of, and to Alex, no less. And the day was going quite well, too...
So, I was able to rally Ryan and Alex to the Aceyalone/Visionaries concert, the big night that we could let loose a bit, and for me to see HER (#1). It was going down pretty well, hadn't caught sight of her during the Visionaries set, and Alex and I wander outside after their performance. We see Erwin chillin outside, waiting for a way to get into the show. See, Erwin is the folks, and he's trying to sneak in because the rest of his folks are in there, including mine and Alex's "unicorns." Eventually, Alex scores Erwin a way in, because one of his friends is working the door. So we're all in now, and Erwin shows us the way to where THEY are. So shit, the storm is brewin. I locate Ryan, and now we're rockin steady to Ace-one, within distance from HERs (Alex and mine, respectively). The show rocks socks, and when it ended, we're all chillin in the lobby. Alex is 'wooing' his, and I'm smack dab in the eye of the storm of mine.
Little did I know, the family connection has surfaced as I had hoped it wouldnt: Eric Nedora is there, and Henry (Geno's homie) is there as well. I retardedly mention the Hiero pictures I'm going to develop for her...and then, the disaster hits. I fumble my words, trying not to look like some fool perpetrator moving in on a girl in the midst of her folks. I verbally dance around the subject of trying to get her number, fully aware that there are people here who've known me for as long as I've lived in Sac, and that connection can MAKE or BREAK me. All the while I'm stumbling over my words, Henry sees through me and says, "Why don't you just ask for her number, man." AND HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I don't even look her in the eyes; I've already been defeated. The next few words I say were the words of a man that momentarily lost dignity. EH. I didn't get her number, end of story.
I've explained it already, BUT I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE. And that was like, 10 G of weight on my shoulder.

Half a year ago, Jaime and I claimed Alex's man card because of a similar situation, and now, karma strikes back, and I've lost mine to him. ARGH.

I'll live, but DAMN.

ICE COLD!

eh, who am I kidding. Damned EMO is leaking out again... I should have just stayed at Jen's, it was getting fun. The usual Thursday night crowd was there, the comfort zone was there. Alas, I've got priorities. Damned younger sister needs to CARPOOL her ass to school, I want to party and sleep in. Well whatever, I'm ranting and raving... see what a bombshell of a girl can do to one's thought processes? I find myself identifying with Alex everyday. EMO!

Fly little bird, as only your wings can send you

Fuck, its only Tuesday. What a way to get this week going. Yesterday was just the standard-fare-monday: school, 7 hours of work, a bit of chit-chatting with my classmate Terell before I headed out to make the money. He's a cool cat, might end up kicking it with him sooner or later outside of school.
Today, I got to hang out with Dave for a bit, get plans rolling for our history papers, and the normal talk. After talking to Dave, I headed over to Diana's and totally hung out with her for half an hour. On her bed. With her on it. OMG. It felt good to be around her again.
Oh, and I got several unexpected calls today, one of which from Shannon (former Connection staff-mate) telling me about a party at her and Pera's (!) place out in Chico. I want to go... but it's certain that Her #2 will be there. DILEMMA.
Another call was from Apple Computers about buying a warranty for my laptop (which will expire in a couple of days). Crap.
Later in the day, Alex called, and he eventually rolled by my place at late 7. We went to the store to get him a pack of smokes, Hollywood Video to 'surprise' Nolan, and eventually to Jen's kick it with Rob while Alex did his laundry there. And now. I've flown home, and I am still in the sky. Bye!

3, 2, 1, and the walls crumble

I'm caving. Every day is like a piece of my solid defensive wall is crashing down. And no, this is not a good sign of me becoming more open and communicative. THIS WILL BE THE HARBINGER OF INSANITY'S INVASION. I think, that once all these blocks of security I've built over the past, what... EIGHT YEARS? once they come down, I might just be a person you don't want to know...

Like, if my mind fell apart RIGHT NOW, I'd be a menacing bastard you wouldn't want to talk to. Curses, slurs, all that shit would just pour out of my mouth/mind in unintelligible, heated passion. ARGH.

I think I know why I'm feeling this way, too. It was probably Thursday night, when Diana gave me that look...like, she barely knew who I was...or didn't even recognize my existence. As I've mentioned, SHE is the only one right now who is the catalyst to my elation and trigger of my depravation. I'm going to try and give her a call this afternoon...my phone is finally working now... try and meet her, see her...get as much off my mind and my chest... something, ANYTHING. OMFG, the EMO is seeping back in.

...

...

...

I need a balance, a focal point of clarity in my life. RIGHT NOW. Since work started, and since my phone crapped out on me, my reality has been fragmented, disjoined, scattered. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in the near future, or how I'm going to do it. I'm forgetting THINGS way too easily now. My priorities are seriously whacked out. If only... if only I could get a clean slate, start things over. No debts of honor, no woes about the girl, no going back on my word, no compromises.

To think this day has been some kind of crazy mood-swing. Right now I'm ranting in these bitter and emo overtones, when in the morning I had felt really good about where I was and where I could be heading. Once again, attributed to my attachment to Her #4. See, I had a dream last night that focused on her #4 and I. I had made something for her, a piece of art of her, in which I immortalized my affection. I had woken up in bed next to her, a position that was fitting for a dream, and she had just found out about the art I had made of/for her. She was thrilled, and I was embarassed that she had found it in the first place. She snuggled in closer to me, it was obvious she was ecstatic about what I had made. Being the humble fool that I am, I kept praising her, and lowering myself to her beauty, etc etc. She says to me, "I love it," and lowers her lips to mine. I woke up about two times during that one dream, and each time I forced myself to go back to sleep just to finish the sequence. Alas, only the moment of the kiss played out, and I woke up look a fool in love. It is usually a sign of me falling for a girl if they show up in my dreams in romantic situations. It is a bad sign if a girl cameos during wild and raunchy pornographic dream sequences. Even worse if the girl appears in a horrible and scary fashion, it probably means I hate her guts.

Three days of mild mayhem

Thursday: Like a week or so back, Thursday played host to another kickback at Jens. It wasn't as action-packed as I hoped, but there were still a couple of cool moments to glean from that night. For a period of about 30 minutes, it was just me, Rob, and Pat as the only guys in the house. In this brief half-hour, the ratio of girl-to-guy was actually tipped in THEIR favor. Five girls, three guys. Holy moly. And not, like, barely-bonkable girls. Rob's former co-workers Erica & Jeanelle, their friend, and Diana & Cindy. We could have seriously had the dream orgy there. Hah. The rest of the night was just kickin it with the folks, drinking and smoking.

Friday: I opted not to work extra hours, because I was getting lazy. Instead, I just chilled at home. Being lazy. Jaime and Orlando came by for a bit, and later that night I eventually went out to meet up with the former sQuiD kids at Futami's in celebration of Ryan's coming birthday. In honor of my bestestest buddy's birthday, I take a shot of sake and drink some plum wine. Loosey-goosey. After dinner, Alex finally swings by, and we roll to Orlando's to kick it for the rest of the night. We try to plan for tomorrow, but nothing really came to mind.

Saturday: SQUAREone (continued). A rave. My first rave. It was pretty fun, considering the rave thing is not my scene. But it was coo nonetheless. The best part was that I was on the guestlist with most of my friends thanks to ol' boys Adam and Pat. The downer was that Ryan, Alex, Adam, and I weren't able to rock some live art in the rave as we had hoped. So now Adam's got a big piece of plywood that should have been painted on. However, it was a fun four hours or so of jumping around like I'm suffering from seizures, and smoking nearly a whole pack of Luckie Strikes. In FACT, we (Nolan, Ryan, Jaime, and I) were luckie bastards tonight, seeing as how we dodged the retribution of The Man tonight, but got to the rave late because of it (thus missing Nick's set, GRR).

ARGH

The internet is ALL KINDS of whacked out today. Right now I can't log into AIM, nor can I even access Friendster. What is a lazy and bored slacker, such as I, to do???

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Work has started once more for me. A break in the otherwise monotonous routine these past six months. But now that I've got a job I can consider stable income for the next few months, all of these financial woes are starting to come up. How am I going to figure out my budget? What can I consider 'want to buy' and 'need to buy?' First things first: debt. I've got debts piled on in several different directions. Credit card bill (respark), car insurance, car repairs (?), loyalty dues to the homies, gas, cell phone. URGH. And then there's the projected spenditures in the coming months. Coachella, San Diego, Las Vegas. Lastly, below all the important things, there are the small things... they're not as essential to me trying to live my life, but they're much cheaper in single amounts (although the little things add up).

so here's the preliminary equation to figuring out the next few months: $8 base pay x 20 hours worked per week = $160 x 4 weeks a month = $640, deduct taxes -> ~$550 x 4 months of work = $2200 - $400 of car insurance pay during those 4 months = 1800 - $200 for Coachella= $1600 - $500 for SDCC = $1100 - $330 for website bill = $770 or so for miscellaneous expenses.

that's not even figuring in my goal of gettin a snowboard ($300+). i am SOOO doomed this year.

on the flip side, today was maddeningly sweet. although i slept in and didn't get up in time to meet up with Dave to study (sorry about that, bud), i dropped on campus at just the right moments to run into some cool folks. for one, i walked up to the main building with Daryl Watson, one of the cooler comic artists i know of locally. we chit-chatted real quick, and i headed over to wait for my class to start. while waiting, i give a brief holla at HER (identification of the various girls i refer to will be described sooner or later). as usual, we have one of those pass-you-down-the-hall kinds of meetings consisting of:
"hi, how are you doing?"
"good, how about you"
"blah blah blah?"
"yeah, blah blah"
the quickness of the moment was still satisfying enough.
after class, i finally meet up with dave in the union, and meet one of his friends artist friends, Victor. nice guy, this Victor. i spot Henry and Dewon and discuss the events that went down at Henry's party, and shared a slight account of the shenanigans at Rob's. Jaime and Ryan come by Dave's table, and we kick it for a bit. All in all, I stick around campus and get to hang out with Jaime, Ryan, Nolan, Van, Dave, and Jen. Not bad at all.
all the lounging about actually almost had me running late to the first day of work, but i still managed to get in right on time. during work, i was actually able to spot HER #5, who i did not expect to be at FTB once again. needless to say, i'm fairly hyped up about this season of working.
then, when i got home, i checked my friendster account, and lo & behold... i get a message back from HER #2. ugh, i should really figure out which HER is HER. hah.

Ok. So. I'm a bit high. . . ?
I'm mostly coming down from the height, but earlier, it was like a complete replay of the experience of induced euphoria during the cabin. The same kind of feeling of "awakening" with each moment I blink, as if I'm entering a new state of consciousness everytime I re-focus my eyes. Trippiness is the exact definition. And then I almost returned to that fucked cycle of obsessive-compulsive thoughts that kept repeating, "dude, these thoughts you're thinking are GENIOUS, you MUST write them down to share to the WORLD!"
haahaha.
After those distinct states of euphoria abated, I become less 'loose' with my senses. Simultaneous feelings of fatigue and minor attention of sensations assaulted my thougts. Cool. Now, I'm just in that general sphere of reality where everything feels distant and disjointed from the 'reality' you think you're perceiving. Fuck, when I read this in the morning I won't have a DAMN clue of what I'm describing. It's coo. I'MHIGHFOO.

whaaaaaat?!??

so.

APE was the rockingest. Of course it doesn't top SDCC, right? No matter, this weekend so far has been chaotic, to say the least.

The night before the big-bad APE, a lot of HECTIC things went down, capped I by a late night visit to Rob's place, complete with a stealth escape from Frank (a.k.a. Orlando). The usual suspects were present, Jasmine/Kiel, Jamie, Jen (plus her co-worker Melissa), Ale Elexa, Rob, Nick, Savage, and Pat. Fun times, from plans getting scheduled and re-scheduled on the fly, to wildness at the Davidson's. First, Van, Jaime, and I went out to a suck-ass 'Mexican' restaurant. It's called Vientos, don't go there. Afterward, we played a bit of phone-tag with Ryan and Ron, resulting in us (Van+Jaime+me) heading back to my place and later meeting up with Ron + Ryan + Orlando + Sherly at Urban Cafe. We chilled outside; the first of Jaime's cigars are blazed. Afterward, Ron + Van + Jaime + Ron roll out to Borders' shopping plaza, to chill in front of Aloha Sushi. In time, we see Cindy pop out of Borders with some of her friends, after which we shoot the breeze with her. Eventually, the four of us are on the way home, which turned out to be only half the night (and it was only midnight). When I get home, I'm told there's a little kickback at Rob's. SWEET. Although I thought Jaime didn't want to go, I learn that he does go out, and I, fresh out of the shower, rush my ass over to chilllll. Frank took over that night and snuck out to live it up as well. I get home at well past 3 am.

The next morning, was the quasi-unexpected trip to APE. I awoke to the sounds of rocks thrown at my window at a good 9:30am. Ryan and Jaime have come to pick me up to head out to San Fran. BODACIOUS. So we head out, after a oil-change and gas-up. We truck it to Hilltop, and stop to get lunch. Three McChickens, please...capitalist slave! We finally make it to the Bay City, luckily surviving the trek up the foothills. APE was a blast, saw some cool indy talents, Jaime drank a gin & tonic at 3pm, I met BECKY CLOONAN, the Jet Rag monkey cats, Amador, the guys behind Hamburger Eyes, Jim Mahfood, and random other indy consters. I managed to walk away with Demo #1-4, a large print of Becky's work, a DEMO patch, and a pin-up & movie poster of Hellboy. RADICAL. After parting ways with the hairy APE at about 5pm (and that really hot girl that walked around the con), the boys were back in town. Ryan, Jaime, and I, met up with "Frank" for a meal at TK at around 7. Num-num. We split ways with Ryan, and Frank, Jaime & I try to make it to Skip's to buy a guitar. No go. With no options left for now, we return to my place, only to find I am locked out. An hour or so later, my sister shows up to open the garage so we can get in. With much deliberation over trying to head out to Henry's for a party/kickback, we instead make our way back to Robert's once more. Once again, the same cool-kid crowd have met up, but this time, I AM PREPARED. With my camera within access, I was able to capture randomly great moments. From the gratuitous booty shots, to the embarrasing shots of me in an "elevated" state of mind, the BLACKMAIL is prime. Although Frank and Jaime left early, the fun kept rolling, until I decided to leave at 3am. Unfortunately, I'm most likely missing much more.

P.S.: we forgot to bring Alex to APE! D'oh!

P.P.S.: I'm flying! WOOOOO! ok, gnite.

APE was BANANAS

a full detailed account to be reported soon.

Seems just about right
Dead-end theories of things I love to hate
There's nothing like seeing your face, your smile, on a daily basis.
Hell, if I saw you once in a year, that feeling will not have been erased.
When you give me that look, however brief or protracted, I am simultaneously destroyed and rebuilt.
It's a sin what I think of you sometimes, but I can seriously live with that guilt.

In my mind's eye, I can remember every detail, the minute features that make you what you are and unique.
I'm a devil, you're an angel, it's chaotic cacophony when I think, melodic symphony when you speak.

There's nothing about you that I don't love, but it's what I become that I hate.
A walking catastrophe, absent-minded, my thoughts register too little, too late.

What is this that you've done to me? What voodo did you do, did you do?

My waking moments are filled with images of you constantly.
Ambiguity is the rule to the way that we play this game.
Lucidity is what I want, and it's that fact that's the real shame.

Existence is vapid and shallow at this lowest of lows, and my hopes are rapid and fleeting like death throes.
FUCK the doubt, fuck the dark history, fuck friendship and it's benefits and gains.
I AM THE BULLET, YOU ARE THE TRIGGER, POINT THE BARREL AT MY HEAD AND BLOW OUT MY BRAINS.

Valentines didn't turn out as uneventful as I thought. I ended up rolling out to Dobhie's house, since that's where most of the adults went to gamble. They had an ample supply of food to eat, which was good enough to keep me occupied. The cool part was that I was able to drive my dad over there in the MERCEDES. Hell yeah. Geno and Dobhie were there that night, and they told me that there was actually something to do on Friday night. Too bad my phone had died early on Friday, and I was unable to give him a call about it.

Hm. So Sunday has shaped up to be another surprising day in a string of days that have...well, surprised me. Went to church, big woop. BUT, being at church is always something to look forward, if only to spy on the really hot girls that go there. But this Sunday took the fuckin cake when it comes to a church day that has THE HOTNESS. For one, I spotted a cute girl that's also my classmate. Rad.
And then...as the offering is about to moved up to the priest at the altar, I see HER. (I'm sorry if I'm starting to confuse you readers with my many references to a "HER") This is not the same girl as I have ranted about before, this is the long standing Crush of all Crushes, dating back from AT LEAST 8th grade back in Samuel Jackman Middle School.
Ok, so she is bringing up the offering, and I could barely comprehend the moment, as I was sincerely DUMBFOUNDED by seeing her here, of all days, of all places, of all times.
I picked up my jaw and reinserted it with my mouth, and quickly shook the dumbfoundedness off. This girl is the queen supreme of my dreams, she physically and personally blends the best things I like. As she walked past my aisle to return to her pew, I kind of give a quick glance up, but just as quickly duck low so that maybe she doesn't see me as she walks within a mere two feet of my position.
Church mass ends, and I make my way out, hoping to get home as quickly as possible to shake off the feeling of just SEEING HER. You see, I have been communicating with this girl recently by way of Friendster. And even through this rudimentary form, I can still sense how rad she is after all these years. Sadly, I'm still too pussy to even TRY to get a number or a more personal way of talking to her. Actually, I'm just hoping that one day soon, I will genuinely bump into her somewhere out there, and we will have a grand conversation in which I can gain her number in a worthy fashion.
But anyway, I wait outside for the rest of my family to filter out, and this girl has already gotten in her car and is leaving the parking lot. My dad is right behind her car in our mercedes, and I look towards him, but catch her eye. She gives me a quick wave and that beautiful smile, and I return it. My existence has temporarily been validated.
Enough of that.

After the hub-bub of church, I was finally able to get to the important work at hand: designing websites. So far, I've just about finished respark's main site. For now, this page will be every visitor's welcome, with more content to be added as I figure it out what to add.

Somewhere during the day, Elissa gave me a ring to tell me that she, along with her sister Arlene, are to stop by my place. Arlene had a research paper to work on which involved my participation in a survey. Cool enough.

Later during the night, I got a call from Jun, telling me the things I've been waiting for since Friday. He scored me two things I requested of him. PROPS homeboy.

Now, I'm once again neglecting webdesign work, and randomly lollygagging online with my peers, one of whom I'm giving some pointers when it comes to sequential art. Yay. Too bad some of the key people I'd hope to be online right now AREN'T on. WAY too many people leave their away messages up.

Happy Valentines Day, fuckers

So this is the infamous day, and I have successfully dodged the possibilities of my further humiliation. One year ago, I went out on a date with the girl I thought could be THE ONE, or at least, THE ONE until I actually found the real deal holyfield. All was well with the date, until I did something that forever changed the course of that night and our relationship. I broke my 6 CD changer. This event led to all kinds of fucked up shit, from her ex-boyfriend joining us on that date to me eventually not wanting to see her for a while, and then her randomly showing up and resparking a retardedly doomed thing. BAH.

This year, I saw the omens far ahead of time, I knew what I could do and what I HAD TO DO. As far back as before the cabin-trip, I knew I was recklessly hurtling to this day: Valentine's Day. I even referred to this day many blogger entries ago, that in the struggle of love between man and woman, Valentines Day was the inevitable D-Day for the war's turning point.
The difference in this year was even more clear as the V-Day approached. Thursday was a good day, TOO good a day. It was our official end of the week, as my school had Friday and the coming Monday marked as holidays. That night, there was a party/BBQ at Jen's house, where it was essentially the usual crowd, dominantly male and mostly single. Alex was already feeling the grasp of Valentines dark side, where the depression of singlehood can feel like there is no bottom. I was at that edge with him, but at the same time stradling the opposite side: risking my dignity and actually going on a date with a girl who's I'm starting to see as a representation of THE ONE. But Thursday was the HIGH point of this horrible period of time. Friday would come to be the nail in the coffin.
For once, the old gang was almost fully assembled: Ryan was driver, Orlando/Frank had come out of hiding, Jaime was the legal representative, and Alex and I were there for the ride...or I thought. Alex was still in the throes of sickness, but came along with us; I had hoped his addition to the party mobile would prove this Friday to be a great night to be out. FUCK, were we wrong. As we strolled into the downtown maze, all was quiet, eerily quiet. Infusion, a new cafe that opened up a few weeks back, was desolate. We tried getting in touch with friends who could point us to a fun thing to do: no dice. We dropped by Hollywood Video to see Nolan, still no idea what to do. We headed back to my house to re-coup. Nothing. So we end up getting a call from Nolan on his way out of work. We chill in the shopping plaza parking lot, still coming up with a plan of action on this, yet ANOTHER "Fun Friday." It seemed the entire city had slept for that night.
Finally, the option was taken to go to Mr. Perry's to have a late snack and hang-out. Lo and behold, Perry's was the busiest place this night.
Luckily, Mr. Chris Lee was there to surprise us with his presence, and we ended up just hanging out shooting the breeze from that point on.

And now, it is Saturday, St. Valentine's day. It's 6:40, and I am doing nothing. Have I succeeded in evading a possible replay of last year? Or have I failed to drive myself out of this rut? Maybe I'll figure that out in the coming days.